94.9 - close the door and find a chair
[it's been a little while, but yet again, at ten, "Everybody Knows" comes wafting over the journals. Harry's kind to his record this week and doesn't scratch the needle over the vinyl - he just lifts it off, and lets silence reign over the journal for a good twenty seconds or so. long enough to make people wonder if he's actually going to open
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Of course we're mad! And don't you forget it!
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[and what is this half listening shit? isn't he important anymore? snif.]
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[Shush, you, he's got vreh important sciency stuff going on, over here.]
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I know I get loud and crude when I'm afraid people will think what I get upset or worked up about doesn't matter. When I want to make sure I'm heard, even if ... it might not be that important in the scheme of things, but it's important to me. And sometimes it really is still fun, to poke the badger and see what happens. Because that's when you get the real side of people.
I just ... I know there's a line. And sometimes I'm afraid that once I cross it, I won't go back. Or more that I won't be able to - that people won't let me.
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Mark. The fact that you're aware of that line speaks volumes in and of itself. Knowing one's boundaries is one thing, or the boundaries of a given situation. Being willing and able to cross them is quite another. Speaking as someone who hasn't just crossed the line but leaped whole heartedly over it without a second thought, it's absolutely possible to return back from it. As long as you remember where the line is you can always go back.
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And people forgave you?
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Not everyone. But most of people who matter most have.
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... Hey. What ... what'd'ya do when someone you thought would matter... turns out not to?
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Did something happen?
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I'm sorry, Mark. Have you tried speaking with him? What happened?
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[he sighs, running his hands up over his face and through his hair. it's hard expressing exactly how messy this is, why it upsets him so much, what the core of it is.] ... the reasons why we did it aren't any less true now that we're back to normal. We've just got more restraint. And ... now he thinks that being part of the Patrol gives him carte blanche to sell out his ideals and act like he's got a stick up his ass. ... And it kinda turns out he's been acting like he thinks people expect him to act, instead of being himself.
... You know how I feel about that.
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[He sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face.] I'm sorry, Mark. I wish I could say there was something you could tell him, or some quick fix to put things back the way they were. Have you tried telling him how you feel?
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