❀ thirty-nine unicorn statues for my desk
[Private]
For the record, I have another journal. I mean, I put all my innermost thoughts [yes, she has them] in my other journal, the one that doesn't need a magical filter slash lock to keep everyone ever from reading what I write, but I think I just wanted this one on record.
Maybe on record isn't even the right word, but I wanted it somewhere that can't get destroyed. I don't think these journals can get destroyed... [she's going to think about that for a moment] I mean, they always find you again even if you do lose them or drop them in the toilet. Which was one time and I don't even use the bathroom except for brushing my teeth and ... [she's getting sidetracked]
Anyway.
Back when there were pirates and cruise ships, I met this girl, Shiki, and she was talking about how maybe this place makes an impression on you. Something you don't even realize is there when you go back home. I mean, these are all events that are actually happening. I don't think this is going to be some creepy Keanu Reeves movie or something where we're all plugged into some shared dream environment. Although, it would explain a lot. Still, all the things we do, when we go home we're supposed to forget them, but what if our mind is still stronger than that? What if the little things are different, or what if those little things were always different...
I don't know, I just hate thinking that this only means something here. I've made friends and I've seen a lot of horrible things, too. I think I've grown-up. I'm not that vampire that Gunn thinks I am or that clingy blonde that Spike sees. I'm not that girl, but it doesn't seem to matter because I seem to just make people go away anyway.
Do you realize that I moved into this tower to make friends with a fellow shoe connoisseur and then she left and then, like, a week later the only other person living in this huge place with me? He goes home too.
Maybe the castle is trying to tell me to just stay away from people. I mean, there were vampire attacks and that was dangerous for me. In fact, this castle has been a lot of vampire negativity lately and what's even worse is that I wake up and I don't even remember that I am a vampire.
I guess I just need to not focus on all of that anymore. I want to focus on the good things, but it seems like all the good things are sort of short-lived. Now that Damon guy is dead and he was a vampire too and I didn't even know that. Plus, I don't even understand why he was attacking people. Aren't they supposed to have motives?
I used to be able to focus on the job and get things done. I'd have a list of tasks and I'd finish them all before I got to the office. Here I just make coffee and schedule appointments. I mean, I really like working with Dr. Sweets, but it's just not the same as helping Angel keep his life all organized and straight.
I really miss Wolfram and Hart.
I mean, I'd even settle for that weird detective thing that Angel used to do at that old hotel.
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[Fred]
Remember I said I was wondering what we'd talk about on our next Girls night?
Can we have one soon?
I'm living in this tower and I'm all alone and I just... it's sort of not as cool as the books make it seem. My hair is really not Princess length either.
Although... I did get a really pretty dress in my closet.
Did I miss the castle doing something weird?
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It's nights like these when I really miss midnight snacks. [that aren't in pink mugs with unicorns on the side of them]
Just, you know, binging on horrible junk food and knowing half-way through the bag of microwave popcorn that it was totally a wrong idea, but not actually caring.
Until the next morning when you have a little hull piece stuck underneath your gums.