Broadcast Special #1
[the stroke of midnight. the lobby is suddenly dark, and a spotlight comes on. standing in the middle of it is Hard Harry himself, in a rare public appearance. he's got giant shades on, his usual black bowling shirt, and so much bling that he looks like he walked out of Dave's CastleNet Blingee maker. he snaps his fingers, and a sick bass beat starts thumping out of nowhere. the furniture shakes as he snaps his head up and starts dropping lines]
Imagine in your mind a posh country club:
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed...
The spread is bland, sauerkraut and boiled goose,
There's no way these people will ever cut loose!
But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next? Will blow your mind...
[he picks up a boombox at his feet and hoists it up in the air, John Cusack style. and suddenly his voice sounds perfectly auto-tuned]
♪ Everything got outta control!♪
♪ The music was so entrancing...♪
♪ Everyone got out on the floor,♪
♪ It was a bunch of old white people dancing!♪
[he sets down the boombox, and the auto-tune effect vanishes. he's back to rapping, blank-faced, with a gesture to the lobby around him]
The Big Castle, where people never dance
Spirits go down while losses expand
The newbs or the heroes, who's got the juice?
The townspeople peddling their boiled goose!
So many types of people, they'll never get along
'Till I bust out my boombox and play this song...!
[up comes the box, on goes the auto-tune. if anyone's in the lobby right now, they'll be compelled to start dancing along - and the ghosts are, too. and if that wasn't enough? glitter starts raining down from the ceiling!]
♪ The music washed away all their hate,♪
♪ And society started advancing!♪
♪ Every demographic was represented,♪
♪ It was a rainbow coalition of daaaancing!♪
♪ Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !♪
♪ Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves!♪
♪ Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !♪
♪ I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman!♪
[he sets the box down and demonstrates said dance move, then jumps right into the next verse. that stoic look he's been sporting gets a little grimmer]
Transport now to an old folks' home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing, there's no excuse!
Everyday for lunch they eat boil-ed gooooose.
So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo bass...
And what happened next ... was a total disgrace!
[he only picks up the boombox with one hand, this time, by the handle. the other hand is diligently holding his stomach.]
♪ Everybody started having seeeeex!♪
♪ The music was way too powerful...♪
♪ A bunch of old people fuckin' like rab-bits♪
♪ It was disgusting, to say the least!♪
Oh!
♪ A boombox can change the world♪
♪ You gotta know your limits with a boombox♪
♪ This was a cautionary tale:♪
♪ A BOOMBOX IS NOT A TOOOOY!♪
[as he belts the last line, he does a slide on his knees through the massive pool of glitter that's piled up at his feet over the course of the song, scooping a handful of it up and blowing it in the nearest person's face. SO VERY SORRY, CONRAD.
IT IS OFFICIALLY APRIL FOOLS' DAY, PARADISA. USE YOUR MUSIC WISELY. Also, Harry will be stationed IN the lobby, at a DJ station, all day, picking up all of the songs. ALL OF THEM.]
Imagine in your mind a posh country club:
The stuffy old money where the poor get snubbed...
The spread is bland, sauerkraut and boiled goose,
There's no way these people will ever cut loose!
But then I walk in the room, hold my boombox high
And what happened next? Will blow your mind...
[he picks up a boombox at his feet and hoists it up in the air, John Cusack style. and suddenly his voice sounds perfectly auto-tuned]
♪ Everything got outta control!♪
♪ The music was so entrancing...♪
♪ Everyone got out on the floor,♪
♪ It was a bunch of old white people dancing!♪
[he sets down the boombox, and the auto-tune effect vanishes. he's back to rapping, blank-faced, with a gesture to the lobby around him]
The Big Castle, where people never dance
Spirits go down while losses expand
The newbs or the heroes, who's got the juice?
The townspeople peddling their boiled goose!
So many types of people, they'll never get along
'Till I bust out my boombox and play this song...!
[up comes the box, on goes the auto-tune. if anyone's in the lobby right now, they'll be compelled to start dancing along - and the ghosts are, too. and if that wasn't enough? glitter starts raining down from the ceiling!]
♪ The music washed away all their hate,♪
♪ And society started advancing!♪
♪ Every demographic was represented,♪
♪ It was a rainbow coalition of daaaancing!♪
♪ Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !♪
♪ Everyone was wearing fingerless gloves!♪
♪ Whoaaaaaoaaaaaoh !♪
♪ I saw a Spanish guy doing the Bartman!♪
[he sets the box down and demonstrates said dance move, then jumps right into the next verse. that stoic look he's been sporting gets a little grimmer]
Transport now to an old folks' home
Where the elderly are tossed on their brittle bones
The orderlies are stealing, there's no excuse!
Everyday for lunch they eat boil-ed gooooose.
So I grabbed my boombox and hit the turbo bass...
And what happened next ... was a total disgrace!
[he only picks up the boombox with one hand, this time, by the handle. the other hand is diligently holding his stomach.]
♪ Everybody started having seeeeex!♪
♪ The music was way too powerful...♪
♪ A bunch of old people fuckin' like rab-bits♪
♪ It was disgusting, to say the least!♪
Oh!
♪ A boombox can change the world♪
♪ You gotta know your limits with a boombox♪
♪ This was a cautionary tale:♪
♪ A BOOMBOX IS NOT A TOOOOY!♪
[as he belts the last line, he does a slide on his knees through the massive pool of glitter that's piled up at his feet over the course of the song, scooping a handful of it up and blowing it in the nearest person's face. SO VERY SORRY, CONRAD.
IT IS OFFICIALLY APRIL FOOLS' DAY, PARADISA. USE YOUR MUSIC WISELY. Also, Harry will be stationed IN the lobby, at a DJ station, all day, picking up all of the songs. ALL OF THEM.]