Mask 001 - -Skip Tutorial-
WHAT THE FUCK?! [Oh, doesn't that sound familiar? There's a HUM! A ZOOM! A SWISH! AND A nothing?]
Okay, there was something real goddamn strange in this neighborhood just now. Someone? Place the damn call. I mean, not that I'm scared or anything. Unless they're morbidly obese, wearing clown masks, and wielding flamethrower/fire axe combos, ghosts just don't get to me anymore.
Oh hey, there's a letter here.
Oh hey, it's for me!
Wow, wake up in a lavish bedroom looking out at fantastic countryside, to a ghost fucking with my stuff...I think it's my stuff...and now I have a letter? Seriously, is Suda51 that bankrupt for video game premises now?
Ahem.
"Dear Travis..." [He doesn't seem to notice the book recording him. At all.]
"If you're reading this, it's because you lost the fucking game..." OH THAT'S FUCKING CHEAP! REAL CLEVER, ASSHOLES!
"Seriously! How do you blow it on the goddamn tutorial stage!? You had it easy. Follow the clever instructions I left breaking the fourth wall, get back into the game, and maybe even having some good fights in the process. Instead, you wound up falling short at some point. How does it feel looking like the proverbial noob? Because that? Exactly what you are!" Okay, I take it back. This is starting to get pretty good.
"Here's the deal. This is Paradisa. It's retarded. You will henceforth call it 'Castle Wonderfuck' or occasionally, 'Reno's Palace of Foot Shooting'. It makes sense in context, just ask him about it." Who the fuck is Reno, why is this his palace, and how does feet getting shot factor into this?
"You opened up a joint called the DeathMatch. It's an awesome place. Get your ass down there and facepunch the person claiming to own it right the fuck now. You got work to do, and this place isn't going to stock itself with alcohol. Well, maybe it will. Goddamn castle." I own a bar?! Sweet!
"Remember these names: Cloud Strife, Luke fon Fabre, Subaru Hoshikawa, Reno, Spike Speigel, Fran, Azula, Ryoki, Dante, Lorne, Superbitch Primadonna..." Wow, some of these names are seriously retarded. I mean really...Azula? What kind of name is that?
"I guarantee you lost something important. But that? That's something I ain't spoiling for your sorry ass. If it's even the same it was from before. Oh, I'm just gonna take a moment and enjoy the sound of you screaming. And I won't even be there!" Okay, the ghost's wonderfuck letter is being seriously gay now. Explanations? Anyone?
"Last but not least, kitchen is on the first floor. Guaran-fucking-teed, someone is gonna want to punch you in the dick for just reading that allowed." ...They will? You ass!
"Don't fuck it up this time. It's not just your name you're gonna ruin if you do. Sincerely yours..."
[Silence]
Travis Touchdown? But that's me...and what the fuck does he mean by "the first"?
...Okay, I take it back. Suda's got some tricks up his sleeve still. Even if the JRPG setting makes me gag.
Okay, there was something real goddamn strange in this neighborhood just now. Someone? Place the damn call. I mean, not that I'm scared or anything. Unless they're morbidly obese, wearing clown masks, and wielding flamethrower/fire axe combos, ghosts just don't get to me anymore.
Oh hey, there's a letter here.
Oh hey, it's for me!
Wow, wake up in a lavish bedroom looking out at fantastic countryside, to a ghost fucking with my stuff...I think it's my stuff...and now I have a letter? Seriously, is Suda51 that bankrupt for video game premises now?
Ahem.
"Dear Travis..." [He doesn't seem to notice the book recording him. At all.]
"If you're reading this, it's because you lost the fucking game..." OH THAT'S FUCKING CHEAP! REAL CLEVER, ASSHOLES!
"Seriously! How do you blow it on the goddamn tutorial stage!? You had it easy. Follow the clever instructions I left breaking the fourth wall, get back into the game, and maybe even having some good fights in the process. Instead, you wound up falling short at some point. How does it feel looking like the proverbial noob? Because that? Exactly what you are!" Okay, I take it back. This is starting to get pretty good.
"Here's the deal. This is Paradisa. It's retarded. You will henceforth call it 'Castle Wonderfuck' or occasionally, 'Reno's Palace of Foot Shooting'. It makes sense in context, just ask him about it." Who the fuck is Reno, why is this his palace, and how does feet getting shot factor into this?
"You opened up a joint called the DeathMatch. It's an awesome place. Get your ass down there and facepunch the person claiming to own it right the fuck now. You got work to do, and this place isn't going to stock itself with alcohol. Well, maybe it will. Goddamn castle." I own a bar?! Sweet!
"Remember these names: Cloud Strife, Luke fon Fabre, Subaru Hoshikawa, Reno, Spike Speigel, Fran, Azula, Ryoki, Dante, Lorne, Superbitch Primadonna..." Wow, some of these names are seriously retarded. I mean really...Azula? What kind of name is that?
"I guarantee you lost something important. But that? That's something I ain't spoiling for your sorry ass. If it's even the same it was from before. Oh, I'm just gonna take a moment and enjoy the sound of you screaming. And I won't even be there!" Okay, the ghost's wonderfuck letter is being seriously gay now. Explanations? Anyone?
"Last but not least, kitchen is on the first floor. Guaran-fucking-teed, someone is gonna want to punch you in the dick for just reading that allowed." ...They will? You ass!
"Don't fuck it up this time. It's not just your name you're gonna ruin if you do. Sincerely yours..."
[Silence]
Travis Touchdown? But that's me...and what the fuck does he mean by "the first"?
...Okay, I take it back. Suda's got some tricks up his sleeve still. Even if the JRPG setting makes me gag.