jukebox selection B10 - Ozzy Ozbourne Momma I'm Coming Home
[all written, all very personal, all very tl;dr]
[Ellen Harvelle]
Mom,
I forget time passes here. All the time, I wake up and it's just another day. They say no one knows what year it is here, but the years do pass. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and it could be Mother's Day. I'd say there's a chance someone got it wrong. That the days are more mixed up than we think, but there aren't stars for me to use. There's just holidays that this damn place shoves on us. I've only seen Valentine's Day, but it's definitely something that gets a notion of do this or else.
I'm supposed to think about you. I'm supposed to move past it and fix whatever is wrong with me here. I keep thinking that what's wrong with me is that I died. I'm not supposed to have this second chance. I'm messing it up anyway.
You were right, too, which I'm sure you'd be glad I'm getting down on paper, but I'm just like him. Being in one place, trying to live like everyone else when I know what's out there? It makes my skin crawl. I can't do it. I also can't seem to actually get myself to help. I just watch and try to learn, because I know that there's a whole helluva lot that I don't know about this place. I don't know the rules, because they sure as Hell aren't the same as the ones back home.
I miss you. I wish you hadn't stayed with me in that shop. I wish you had gone with them. It didn't even work. The gun, the Colt, fired a shot into the bastard and nothing happened. Sam says it's getting worse. Castiel is getting drunk. Least he was when he came back this last time. I think that says something about the state of the world if an angel is getting tanked.
I keep thinking about how it would be if you showed up here. You wouldn't be happy. This place, the castle, gets cleaned by ghosts. There's a few bars in the castle, a few more in town, but it's not the same as the Roadhouse. Both Sam and Dean are here, and there's a guy named Alec that looks just like Dean, if Dean was maybe five years younger and a few end of the world scenarios lighter.
I've been seeing him, but I've also been seeing a therapist. The two aren't supposed to be related, but I'm kidding myself if I keep saying that they aren't. Dean called me on it. Of all the people to bring the one thing that I avoided saying to anyone, Dean brings it up. He's right though. I didn't think he was. Alec is his own person, he's got his own quirks and skills, but it was so easy to just put my feelings for Dean onto him.
I wish you were here. You'd tell me to snap out of it, to stop jerking the boy around. I could pretend that you were here, but really I've already got enough reasons to go to a therapist. I don't think imagining my mother is giving me advice, is a good thing to bring up at my next session. I found an apartment though. Away from the cleaning ghosts, away from the guy next door that I'm supposed to be seeing. The guy that looks like Dean. Away from the two Winchesters being a floor above me.
[stops to glance at the paper, dictates:] Shit that's a lot. [laughs lightly]
Well, I sure know I need you here. I've written way too much as it is. I don't think I ever wrote you this much when I was away. We had phone calls though. I can't just call you up though. I can't even drop you a postcard.
I'll write though. Even if you don't show up here at a time when I'm here, maybe you'll be able to go back. Find out what I was up to. Then you can wish I was here same as you, so you can get on my case for the way I had behaved.
I love you Mom and I miss you so much.
-- Joanna Beth
[/Ellen Harvelle]
[Alec]
Alec,
I already hate myself for doing this, trust me I should've been able to talk to you about it instead of doing this. It's just too much for me. I said when we first were hanging out, that it wasn't normal. That things weren't supposed to be so simple. They really aren't meant to be.
If we had met anywhere else, if I hadn't thought you were someone else when I first met you we wouldn't have been in the situations we'd been in. If we had met at any other point in my life, things would've been different. It's just that we met after I died. I died and I had spent my last minutes with people that I trusted with my life. I had my last kiss and I had a guy that I had feelings for, for a long time, say goodbye to me.
I know that you aren't Dean. I'm not even trying to compare the two of you, but at first glance anyone would make the mistake. You sound like him. [there are a few hesitation marks on the page] If I close my eyes, it's too easy for me to just let the two parts of me that have these feelings just slip together.
Relationships aren't something either of us are overly familiar with, as far as how they're supposed to go. My dad died when I was young, so all I grew up with were those first years when Dad would come home and Mom would stop being so cranky all the time. I grew up and I saw hunters come and go into the bar. I barely cared about school and I wanted to be like my dad. I didn't see too many guys, not in a regular sense of the word at least.
I'm not dealing with things. I don't think I've been dealing with them for a while. I just find a distraction and latch onto it. I have to sort myself out. I can't do that if I've got to worry about what I'm doing to you too. I can't do that, knowing that I've got someone else waiting on me.
There's an apartment complex in the city. I'm going to stay there. I've already told Eliot and I'm going to just take a break from working at the Lux. I'm not going to come to the castle, unless I have to. I have to just push away from everything and focus on myself.
This isn't about us, it's not about you either, because you've been nothing but amazing to me. I can't handle it all right now. It's a distraction. You're an incredible distraction, but I can't have that, plus the castle throwing things at me on occasion, and things from back home coming back to me either.
It's horrible and completely wrong of me to just write all of this down, but I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't exactly been around you. I've been trying to work through this and stay in the castle, but it's just not working. I'm pretty sure I didn't even write this out the right way, but it's so long at this point that I can't even think about how to rewrite it.
Maybe in a week or two, we can talk, but right now I know if I see you I'll just make excuses for myself and I don't think that's going to be the best thing for me.
I'm sorry, but I can't be with you right now. I need this to be over, so that I can sort myself out as myself, not as part of someone else's life.
- Jo
[tears the piece of paper out, folding it in half and she'll slip it under his door before she heads back into the city, with the last of her stuff]
[Ellen Harvelle]
Mom,
I forget time passes here. All the time, I wake up and it's just another day. They say no one knows what year it is here, but the years do pass. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and it could be Mother's Day. I'd say there's a chance someone got it wrong. That the days are more mixed up than we think, but there aren't stars for me to use. There's just holidays that this damn place shoves on us. I've only seen Valentine's Day, but it's definitely something that gets a notion of do this or else.
I'm supposed to think about you. I'm supposed to move past it and fix whatever is wrong with me here. I keep thinking that what's wrong with me is that I died. I'm not supposed to have this second chance. I'm messing it up anyway.
You were right, too, which I'm sure you'd be glad I'm getting down on paper, but I'm just like him. Being in one place, trying to live like everyone else when I know what's out there? It makes my skin crawl. I can't do it. I also can't seem to actually get myself to help. I just watch and try to learn, because I know that there's a whole helluva lot that I don't know about this place. I don't know the rules, because they sure as Hell aren't the same as the ones back home.
I miss you. I wish you hadn't stayed with me in that shop. I wish you had gone with them. It didn't even work. The gun, the Colt, fired a shot into the bastard and nothing happened. Sam says it's getting worse. Castiel is getting drunk. Least he was when he came back this last time. I think that says something about the state of the world if an angel is getting tanked.
I keep thinking about how it would be if you showed up here. You wouldn't be happy. This place, the castle, gets cleaned by ghosts. There's a few bars in the castle, a few more in town, but it's not the same as the Roadhouse. Both Sam and Dean are here, and there's a guy named Alec that looks just like Dean, if Dean was maybe five years younger and a few end of the world scenarios lighter.
I've been seeing him, but I've also been seeing a therapist. The two aren't supposed to be related, but I'm kidding myself if I keep saying that they aren't. Dean called me on it. Of all the people to bring the one thing that I avoided saying to anyone, Dean brings it up. He's right though. I didn't think he was. Alec is his own person, he's got his own quirks and skills, but it was so easy to just put my feelings for Dean onto him.
I wish you were here. You'd tell me to snap out of it, to stop jerking the boy around. I could pretend that you were here, but really I've already got enough reasons to go to a therapist. I don't think imagining my mother is giving me advice, is a good thing to bring up at my next session. I found an apartment though. Away from the cleaning ghosts, away from the guy next door that I'm supposed to be seeing. The guy that looks like Dean. Away from the two Winchesters being a floor above me.
[stops to glance at the paper, dictates:] Shit that's a lot. [laughs lightly]
Well, I sure know I need you here. I've written way too much as it is. I don't think I ever wrote you this much when I was away. We had phone calls though. I can't just call you up though. I can't even drop you a postcard.
I'll write though. Even if you don't show up here at a time when I'm here, maybe you'll be able to go back. Find out what I was up to. Then you can wish I was here same as you, so you can get on my case for the way I had behaved.
I love you Mom and I miss you so much.
-- Joanna Beth
[/Ellen Harvelle]
[Alec]
Alec,
I already hate myself for doing this, trust me I should've been able to talk to you about it instead of doing this. It's just too much for me. I said when we first were hanging out, that it wasn't normal. That things weren't supposed to be so simple. They really aren't meant to be.
If we had met anywhere else, if I hadn't thought you were someone else when I first met you we wouldn't have been in the situations we'd been in. If we had met at any other point in my life, things would've been different. It's just that we met after I died. I died and I had spent my last minutes with people that I trusted with my life. I had my last kiss and I had a guy that I had feelings for, for a long time, say goodbye to me.
I know that you aren't Dean. I'm not even trying to compare the two of you, but at first glance anyone would make the mistake. You sound like him. [there are a few hesitation marks on the page] If I close my eyes, it's too easy for me to just let the two parts of me that have these feelings just slip together.
Relationships aren't something either of us are overly familiar with, as far as how they're supposed to go. My dad died when I was young, so all I grew up with were those first years when Dad would come home and Mom would stop being so cranky all the time. I grew up and I saw hunters come and go into the bar. I barely cared about school and I wanted to be like my dad. I didn't see too many guys, not in a regular sense of the word at least.
I'm not dealing with things. I don't think I've been dealing with them for a while. I just find a distraction and latch onto it. I have to sort myself out. I can't do that if I've got to worry about what I'm doing to you too. I can't do that, knowing that I've got someone else waiting on me.
There's an apartment complex in the city. I'm going to stay there. I've already told Eliot and I'm going to just take a break from working at the Lux. I'm not going to come to the castle, unless I have to. I have to just push away from everything and focus on myself.
This isn't about us, it's not about you either, because you've been nothing but amazing to me. I can't handle it all right now. It's a distraction. You're an incredible distraction, but I can't have that, plus the castle throwing things at me on occasion, and things from back home coming back to me either.
It's horrible and completely wrong of me to just write all of this down, but I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't exactly been around you. I've been trying to work through this and stay in the castle, but it's just not working. I'm pretty sure I didn't even write this out the right way, but it's so long at this point that I can't even think about how to rewrite it.
Maybe in a week or two, we can talk, but right now I know if I see you I'll just make excuses for myself and I don't think that's going to be the best thing for me.
I'm sorry, but I can't be with you right now. I need this to be over, so that I can sort myself out as myself, not as part of someone else's life.
- Jo
[tears the piece of paper out, folding it in half and she'll slip it under his door before she heads back into the city, with the last of her stuff]