Intertwined Fingers
Title: Intertwined Fingers
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Friendship
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Even in my dreams, they own me.
Summary: He never believed that everyone has more than one soul mate. Until he met him.
A/N: Based of the prompt "Unquestionable/Neutral". To blue_mori who suffered along with me because of my mean attempt of a payback. Not that it did me any good to be honest.
soul mate(n): One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity. A person temperamentally suited to another.
****
Hyukjae had never believed that everyone can have more than one soul mate. It took trillions of heartbeats and confusion before he realized that it was a palpable possibility. In his case, he would think that he has two. One would be his other half. One would be his best friend.
Most people would wonder why his other half couldn't also be his best friend. Won't you want somebody who completes you be your greatest friend as well? was the question he always heard.
It was not something that he could explain in a day or two. If he really sat down and attempted to, it might take a lifetime to explain it and in the end, no one would be any wiser. Even he didn't fully understands it. It was just a feeling, an instinctive one embedded deep within his soul, that acknowledged and recognized it. He had no control over it.
Then who is this best friend soul mate? The one that made you decide that you're not looking for the other half, but rather the other third? They scoffed when they asked that question.
He gave a small smile. Lee Donghae.
****
2001
Hyukjae has been a trainee at SME for over a year now. Up till now, he still carried the painful memories of rejection when he first auditioned with his childhood friend Junsu. Despite his talents in dancing, he had to audition twice before he was given the chance to be a trainee alongside the stars of the biggest entertainment agency in South Korea.
Which was why he resented him.
He had to work so hard in order to pass his audition, and all he did was win first place in the Best Outward Appearance contest with Sungmin. He can never hate Sungmin if he wanted to. He tried to, the first time he was formally introduced to him. But who could resist that wide doe eyes and warm smile that reminded him of the moon at her brightest?
Lee Donghae.
Even that name was hateable. East sea? Really? Just who does he think he is? Poseidon's son? Crown prince of the sea? He scoffed. Sungmin tried to assure him that he was alright. Really sweet and affectionate. Just really shy and quiet. He was from Mokpo after all. He was all alone here in Seoul, away from his family at such a young age. So it wasn't surprising that he was introverted.
Hyukjae tuned out all of Sungmin's words. If the kid wasn't interested in talking, and was just acting arrogant all because he has a pretty face, well, he just wouldn't want to waste his time trying to get to know someone who doesn't seemed to care. All he needed to do was train hard and debut. Show him that it took more than good looks to break into the industry.
And so, on it went.
****
Looking back now, he laughed. He was so childish and naive then. If only I wasn't so bitter and jealous, we might have been friends for longer instead of wasting all that time. He wasn't even sure if things would have gotten better if they made friends earlier, but he'd like to think that it would have in his more wishful moments.
****
2002
Hyukjae was elated. After two years of training, he was finally getting a glimpse of what it would be like to debut as an idol. The company had announced that he, Sungmin and Junsu would be placed in a R&B group, to be taught by Kangta. They were even going to make their first ever television appearance! All his favourite people in one group, taught different singing styles by the lead singer of H.O.T.! His efforts had finally paid off.
When the announcement was made, he had came over to congratulate them. Speaking softly and quietly, as if worried that he might offend them if his congratulations was deemed insincere, tainted by jealousy. After all, the 5 member project group he was placed in with Jungsu and four other members hadn't worked out. But then again, South Korea had made it into the semi-finals in the World Cup that year. It couldn't be helped that the nation's attention was focused so intensely on it when their national pride was at stake.
Sungmin had immediately given him a tight hug, assuring him that his time would come and it will be Sungmin's turn to congratulate him by then. Junsu had given him a pat on the shoulder, a silent thank you. While Hyukjae... just stared. He couldn't understand why he was congratulating them. Shouldn't he be bitter than he didn't make it while Sungmin did even though they both signed on to the company at the same time?
In the one year since he entered the company, his first impression of him had started to change bit by bit. He listened as Jungsu complimented him on being a diligent trainee. He watched how Yunho was smiling and laughing whenever they were hanging out together. Even the newbie Heechul, who had already cultivated a reputation of eccentricity, took a liking to him and allowed him to speak informally to him. He just didn't get it. What was it about him that made him so appealing to everyone?
Now, looking right into those brown puppy eyes as he turned around to congratulate Hyukjae, his mind was starting to slowly put together the jigsaw puzzle of reasons. They had never stood this close to each other before. Always brushing shoulders whenever they practiced dancing together in the crowded room, or walking along the corridors in between classes. Making slightly awkward conversations during break time when it was just the two of them. This was the first time he really looked at him.
There was a certain air about him. Subtle. It slowly draw you in without you really realizing it. Staring into those shiny puppy eyes, he had the sudden urge to pounce on him and give him a bone-crushing hug. Just so he could get rid of the forlorn expression hidden beneath that bright grin.
He didn't. Instead, he stuck out his hand and just said "Thank you Donghae-sshi."
****
I think that was the first time I ever said his name out loud instead of referring to him as that kid or him. Even to his face, I had never said his name. He mused. "Lee Donghae." he said once more, slowly savoured the taste of each letter, each syllable, as they rolled off his tongue.
It was funny how he still hadn't really fully gotten along with Donghae at that time. Even though he treated him so coldly in the beginning, they had plenty of mutual friends and he needled him endlessly together with Junsu about how being a celebrity would change him when Smile was first announced. Almost as if they were close friends. But he supposed Donghae was just easygoing like that. Not that it had changed much over the years. Even now, at the height of his popularity, he was still the man-child he had met all those years ago.
****
2003
Deflated. That was the only thing he could feel. Because if he let other emotions in, he was sure he would go insane from the sheer intensity of all those emotions combined.
He supposed that he should have expected for something like this to happen. Time goes by and management was free to change their mind anytime they want. So, he shouldn't have been surprised that the R&B project group he was in was eventually dropped.
But what really got to him was the fact that Junsu was gone.
Or at least as good as gone. Once he made his debut with DBSK, they would see less of each other because of his hectic schedule of the next big thing the industry had seen. It just couldn't be helped. It felt like someone had knifed him right where it mattered when Junsu told him that he was not going to be able to debut together with him, just liked they promised each other they would. Even though he hadn't intentionally broken his promise, it still hurt like hell anyway.
Just as he was wallowing in self-pity, someone reached out to him. Offered him a cup of hot chocolate with a side of sympathy and comfort. Out of all the people, Donghae was the last person he expected to see. Months later, he had finally managed to muster enough courage to ask Donghae why he had extended his hand out at the very moment. God knows that he was never friendly with Donghae, neither was he good at expressing his feelings. Donghae just smiled and gave him another hug. And at that very second, he knew. He finally understood why everyone loved this man-child to no ends.
****
He still flipped through those memories fondly even if it was one of the those hitrockbottomunbelievablelypainful moments. Because despite how lost he was at that time, he found that he always had a lamp in his hand, lighting his way through the mindless dark.
He just never noticed.
****
November 6, 2005
This has to be the weirdest thing he has ever seen in his life.
Twelve people. Waiting in a shoe box of a room, like a can of packed sardines. Fighting tooth and nail to suppress all that nervousness and mind games. Nervousness because this would be Super Junior's debut stage. Mind games were a result of all that criticisms of being part of such a large idol group. Even before they had started on this journey, people had already predicted their failure. Tried as he might to avoid reading all the negative comments (because really, it was just demoralizing), in the end, it was just human nature to be inexplicably drawn to things that were bad to you. Much like moth to flames.
He took a deep breath. It was meant to calm his nerves down but instead, it made him feel more jittery instead. He was lost in the ocean of negativity when he felt Donghae plopped down next to him, arms intertwining with his, head resting on his shoulders. Normally, he would have brushed off Donghae's advances because it was his inept self's way of expressing his affection for the younger man. The fact that the usually hyper Donghae was actually calmed down and quietly going around offering some form of reassurances unique to each member brought along a wave of unexplainable relief that coursed through his entire body, soothing his frayed nerves.
"Get ready. It's your stage in five minutes."
Through the rumbling sounds of chairs being moved about, and people trying to move around in the God damned cramp space, all he saw was that wide grin playing on his lips; excited that they were finally going to be on stage. Performing. Marking their official debut. Just like what they dreamed about all those years ago.
Unconsciously, he gave him his best gummy smile, knowing everything was going to be alright.
****
He still remembered the day when it was first announced that he was going to debut. He couldn't decide if he wanted to be happy or upset. He remembered asking repeatedly if this was a joke and what exactly was the punchline.
Twelve people. He scoffed. How the hell was twelve people going to be able to agree on anything? Forget that. Just trying to make up a choreography would be a headache worthy of the worst hangover in the history of worst hangovers. Even if it was suppose to be a rotational project group, the members chosen to be in the group seemed so.... erratic. It was like trying to make a simple garden salad, only to destroy it by trying to spice it up with ingredients that shouldn't even BE in the salad to begin with.
He remembered bemoaning about it to Donghae and Sungmin. He might be friends with most of the people placed in the project group, but that doesn't necessarily meant that they will all get along. His complaints fell onto deaf ears.
Instead, what really stood out from that particular day, was seeing Donghae being so ecstatic that all his favourite people were going to be in the same group as him, debuting together as one big happy (albeit dysfunctional) family.
****
August 2006
The past weeks had been a whirlwind of crying, worrying and nervous breakdowns. When he found that that Donghae had went ahead with his schedules and shot the Mini Drama with them, he was livid. How could management be so cruel? He just lost his father. His favourite hyung had just gotten into an accident attending said father's funeral. Donghae has already been weighted down with so much guilt, pain and sorrow. He should be given a grace period for mourning and reflections. Not dive straight back into work.
But Donghae was adamant. He was not going to take a break from Super Junior activities. Because by doing that, he would not be fulfilling his father's dream of him becoming an entertainer. A performer. He loved his father too much to let that happen. His father might not be there physically, but spiritually, he was still there and he refused to disappoint him. He didn't say much about Heechul but he knew that the Donghae had taken the blame for Heechul's accident even though it wasn't his fault to begin with.
He heaved a sigh. Despite everything Donghae told him, he knew better. Underneath that happy and strong facade, hid a young man who grieved deeply for the lost of the biggest influence in his life. It was almost unbelievable how Donghae could still have any strength and emotion left in him to congratulate Jungsu and him heartily when they started DJ-ing. While it pained him to see Donghae looked so beaten up and tired behind closed doors, he was somewhat glad that he could somehow feel the pain and guilt that was eating at him on the inside, as if the emotions just flowed out from Donghae and into him; like a telephatic connection. He found it strange that he could feel this way, but didn't think much about it as he was happy that he could at least share some of the burden he carried around with him so much.
****
2006 was the year that he will always remembered as the year of rollercoaster ride for Super Junior and for him. It started with the addition of a new member. The 13th member. The old jealousy kicked in and he really detested Kyuhyun when he first joined them. The rest of them took years of training before they could even think of debuting. And here was this kid, joining the team after only three months of training. Sure he was happy that along with the new member, Super Junior was now declared a fixed group. No more changes to the line-up and he got to keep his happy dysfunctional family close. But he allowed his bitterness and hate for the rookie to cloud his happiness.
Not Donghae. He accepted Kyuhyun with bright smiles and made sure that he was properly taken care of whenever possible. Always playing games with him and made sure he was comfortable living in a dorm with twelve other people. He held no grudge against the maknae, even when the eternal maknae Ryeowook had disliked and shunned him out in the beginning. Till now, it made him feel guilty that he didn't follow Donghae's example and try to be nice to Kyuhyun. Maybe that's why he loves to bully all of his hyungs so much except Donghae.He thought wryly.
2006 was also the year that Eunhae went public for the first time. He grinned like an idiot at that memory. He was so proud of himself. For once, he had managed to express his feelings properly. Or as much as he could anyway. He always like their name. Especially when their Hanja name were written together. 银海. Silver Sea. The name itself promised them a retreat, a hideaway if you will, where they can run away together when the going got too tough. He can never forget how that simple declaration made Donghae over the moon. The sunshine and rainbows that followed after had made the 15 seconds of awkward declaration to the world the most worthwhile thing he had ever did. Even if Donghae had later changed it to include Siwon in it to not the younger one feel left out, the name Eunhae will always remained theirs.
****
April 2007
Sirens blaring. Flashes of lights. Prayers. Then darkness.
****
The memories from that year still made him flinched. It made his entire being weighed down by guilt and what-ifs. Promises to treat Kyuhyun better and guilt for not doing so right from the beginning. Or the emptiness in Donghae's eyes when he found out about the accident. All life devoid from them, leaving behind an empty husk. No. No more. And so, the memories were locked, keys thrown; and tucked away in the corner of his mind, never to be opened again unless he had a masochistic side to him that he never knew he had.
****
June 7, 2008
It has been two months since SJM started promotional activities in China. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't miss him. But he would shoot himself in the foot first before he admitted out loud that he missed him. Because he was just insufferable like that. After all, it wasn't as if Donghae doesn't know that was how his mind worked. He had been telling everyone all these years that they were just colleagues. Not friends. Just this person he had to work with. He'd be damned if he admitted now that he missed him.
But he did. Especially since today was the day SJH would make their debut performance. No matter how many times he had performed live, every time always felt like the first time. Nerve-wracking.
So there he was, sitting in a waiting room that was slightly bigger than the first one he was in when it was Super Junior's first performance. Anxiously pacing, driving everyone else insane when his phone beeped.
Yah. I hope you see this before you go on stage. Good luck! And don't you dare say I'm just a colleague on Sukira later. Or I'll get Heechul-hyung to make your life miserable until I come back. 사랑해:)
His first stage as SJH had him flashing the fans one of the widest gummy smile ever.
****
SJM. The last sub-unit of Super Junior. He knew that Donghae had a miserable time in China. It wasn't because he was homesick. Somehow, he managed to get his hands on all of their schedules and call them at the right moment, as if he knew that they had the sudden urge to talk to him right then.
But no, the reason why Donghae had a miserable time was because he couldn't make people smile. Not the fans. The fans were easy. They were already in love with him before he had even set foot or debut as SJM. No. It was Zhoumi and Henry. When they were in Korea, he could still protect them; shielded them from the onslaught of hurt. In China, it was a whole new different ballgame. Just how do you protect someone when you can't even speak the language anyway? He knew it ate at Donghae on the inside, heart locked in a tight vise, that he couldn't do anything for them. That he could only stand in the sidelines and watched haplessly as the Only13 slowly shredded them one tiny piece at a time; their family. It reminded them all too much about the time when Kyuhyun first joined and there were people protesting. But never like this. And definitely not this intense.
It was all he could do before enveloping Donghae in a tight hug and never let go. But since he couldn't, he settled for trying his best to reassure Donghae through phone calls and emails that his efforts weren't futile; that things would get better eventually.
****
2009
The comeback. This was it. After what felt like several lifetimes, everyone was back together. Promoting as Super Junior and not in any of the sub-units. He wished Kibum was here but he understood that if you loved someone, you let them go to explore the world on their own. All he could do was keep in touch and reminded him that they will be always standing behind him, whenever he turned his head back.
He was excited. They got Nick Bass to help with their choreography this year. And he praised both him and Donghae! And taught Sungmin this really cool cap dance. He had a feeling that it was going to be a good year.
And the best part? He got to share it with the fish who was finally back from that waterhole that was China. Any place would be considered a waterhole if it meant that the fish had to be so far away from him for such a long time.
He smiled indulgently as he watched Donghae chattereing excitedly with Heechul while they planned a prank on an unsuspecting Siwon. Life couldn't get better.
****
Sorry Sorry. How appropriate. It was like the song was an indirect apology to the fans. For Kibum's absense. For Kangin's mistakes. For Hangeng's lawsuit. He thought with a touch of irony. And just maybe. Maybe the song was also trying to warn me about Junsu's lawsuit against the dreams that we spent days and nights talking about under the summer sky. He thought, memories flooding through his mind along with waves of endless sadness and regret. Who could have predicted that their biggest hit so far was actually an omen for what was to come?
Every night, he would always found Donghae fast asleep, curled up in his bed, as if it was the most natural thing to do in the world. He said nothing. Instead, he just held him; cuddled into him and dreamed of the past, where times were simpler and the future looked so warm and inviting.
****
2010
This year was the year where everyone were allowed more creative freedom. This was the first time that SJ and SJM made a collaboration. This was also the first time that he collaborated with Donghae on a song; just the two of them. 여행. He remembered that day clearly. Donghae came to him and said that he wanted to write a goodbye song for Yoongwoon. Not just for the fans. But for Super Junior themselves as well. To remind Yoongwoon that they forgave him and that they would be waiting patiently for him to return, arms wide opened.
He remembered how earnest Donghae was when he made his request. He wanted it to be personal; special so he decided to try his hand at composing and writing. And who better to teach him than Hyukjae, who had been writing lyrics ever since they debuted till now? And so they did. With the help of Ryeowook, they taught Donghae the intricate nature of a song. From the weaving of notes, to the melody arrangement, as well as the beauty of stringing words together. 여행 was born.
He took time off to watch the recording session of that song. It was easily the most heartbreaking masterpiece he had seen at work.
****
2010 was his favourite year. Because he got to see Donghae grew into this accomplished all-rounder. For once, he did not have to share the limelight with the rest of them. He was the sole member who became the brand ambassador for Maxim contact lens. Not only did he started acting, he wrote and composed melodies that melted his insides into pools of nothing (again, not that he would ever admit it). He still joked about it and said that "love" was the only word that Donghae knew when he wrote 지금처럼 for the drama he was casted in. It was true though. For as long as he knew Donghae, love seemed to be the ONLY word he seemed to know. He might get into arguments with the members. But by the end of the day, teary-eyed, he would apologize for fighting, even if it wasn't his fault, and made amends. And just when you thought you couldn't possibly love the man more than you already do.
****
February 2011
The company had finally made the official announcement: he and Sungmin would be placed as guest members in SJM. After all these time, he finally could see what had gotten Donghae so excited when he was promoting in the Chinese market.
While there were protests and criticisms in the beginning about his place in the group, he was glad that he could have some Eunhae time. Especially when he found out that if he wasn't with SJM, it would be a long time before he could see Donghae again because of the Taiwanese drama filming.
Though the protests made him wondered just how bad was the protests when SJM first started. Sure, he had seen how fans reacted during the SS2 in Shanghai. But that was only one concert. To face it everyday; having it haunt your dreams and stalk your reality, must have been so mentally traumatizing for Zhuomi and Henry. He was beginning to understand why Donghae was so broken in the beginning. Which is why he was alright with the idea that Donghae would be sitting with Henry, Sungmin and Ryeowook instead of him while they were promoting. In a way, Donghae was in charge of the members who were more fragile, but with the bigger hearts.
It made his heart swelled with pride when he watched his best friend go about happily in this little thing called SJM, striving to be the best while watching over his family. Just like he always had from the start.
****
Looking back at the path they walked on together, he still wasn't sure what made him realized that he found his soul mate. The turning point might have been there once, but it was hard to pinpoint the exact moment. He supposed it was the little things he did. Waking up to a quiet hug in the morning. Loud arguments about their conflicting interests. A soft smile under the moonlight when they had late schedules together.
But whatever it was, he was glad he found Donghae. The connection they made was something that was beyond this world. Unbreakable. Resilient to the tests and trials of time. An inexplicable tug of the heartstrings. Even if he never finds that one true love, he already felt complete just having Donghae by his side.
Best friends; soul mates. Forever and always 银海.
That was the unquestionable; undeniable truth.
------
A/N: Ok. This is a mess of a fic. A ridiculously long one at that (and here I thought I couldn't write any longer /bangs head on table). I have no idea what this is really. It's one of those stories where you know how it goes, but it never comes out the way you want it to be.
Also, I tried my best to be chronologically correct with the events that happened throughout the story. And did some research about the definitions of soul mates. There were some of the quotes that I thought were very meaningful to what we think soul mates are. Anyone interested should look for Thomas Moore or Richard Bach.
Go here for blue_mori's version of the same prompt. She used "Neutral" and it's an awesome Ryeowook-centric crack fic ;)
Comments and feedback are loved!
Pairing: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Genre: Friendship
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Even in my dreams, they own me.
Summary: He never believed that everyone has more than one soul mate. Until he met him.
A/N: Based of the prompt "Unquestionable/Neutral". To blue_mori who suffered along with me because of my mean attempt of a payback. Not that it did me any good to be honest.
soul mate(n): One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity. Someone for whom you have a deep affinity. A person temperamentally suited to another.
****
Hyukjae had never believed that everyone can have more than one soul mate. It took trillions of heartbeats and confusion before he realized that it was a palpable possibility. In his case, he would think that he has two. One would be his other half. One would be his best friend.
Most people would wonder why his other half couldn't also be his best friend. Won't you want somebody who completes you be your greatest friend as well? was the question he always heard.
It was not something that he could explain in a day or two. If he really sat down and attempted to, it might take a lifetime to explain it and in the end, no one would be any wiser. Even he didn't fully understands it. It was just a feeling, an instinctive one embedded deep within his soul, that acknowledged and recognized it. He had no control over it.
Then who is this best friend soul mate? The one that made you decide that you're not looking for the other half, but rather the other third? They scoffed when they asked that question.
He gave a small smile. Lee Donghae.
****
2001
Hyukjae has been a trainee at SME for over a year now. Up till now, he still carried the painful memories of rejection when he first auditioned with his childhood friend Junsu. Despite his talents in dancing, he had to audition twice before he was given the chance to be a trainee alongside the stars of the biggest entertainment agency in South Korea.
Which was why he resented him.
He had to work so hard in order to pass his audition, and all he did was win first place in the Best Outward Appearance contest with Sungmin. He can never hate Sungmin if he wanted to. He tried to, the first time he was formally introduced to him. But who could resist that wide doe eyes and warm smile that reminded him of the moon at her brightest?
Lee Donghae.
Even that name was hateable. East sea? Really? Just who does he think he is? Poseidon's son? Crown prince of the sea? He scoffed. Sungmin tried to assure him that he was alright. Really sweet and affectionate. Just really shy and quiet. He was from Mokpo after all. He was all alone here in Seoul, away from his family at such a young age. So it wasn't surprising that he was introverted.
Hyukjae tuned out all of Sungmin's words. If the kid wasn't interested in talking, and was just acting arrogant all because he has a pretty face, well, he just wouldn't want to waste his time trying to get to know someone who doesn't seemed to care. All he needed to do was train hard and debut. Show him that it took more than good looks to break into the industry.
And so, on it went.
****
Looking back now, he laughed. He was so childish and naive then. If only I wasn't so bitter and jealous, we might have been friends for longer instead of wasting all that time. He wasn't even sure if things would have gotten better if they made friends earlier, but he'd like to think that it would have in his more wishful moments.
****
2002
Hyukjae was elated. After two years of training, he was finally getting a glimpse of what it would be like to debut as an idol. The company had announced that he, Sungmin and Junsu would be placed in a R&B group, to be taught by Kangta. They were even going to make their first ever television appearance! All his favourite people in one group, taught different singing styles by the lead singer of H.O.T.! His efforts had finally paid off.
When the announcement was made, he had came over to congratulate them. Speaking softly and quietly, as if worried that he might offend them if his congratulations was deemed insincere, tainted by jealousy. After all, the 5 member project group he was placed in with Jungsu and four other members hadn't worked out. But then again, South Korea had made it into the semi-finals in the World Cup that year. It couldn't be helped that the nation's attention was focused so intensely on it when their national pride was at stake.
Sungmin had immediately given him a tight hug, assuring him that his time would come and it will be Sungmin's turn to congratulate him by then. Junsu had given him a pat on the shoulder, a silent thank you. While Hyukjae... just stared. He couldn't understand why he was congratulating them. Shouldn't he be bitter than he didn't make it while Sungmin did even though they both signed on to the company at the same time?
In the one year since he entered the company, his first impression of him had started to change bit by bit. He listened as Jungsu complimented him on being a diligent trainee. He watched how Yunho was smiling and laughing whenever they were hanging out together. Even the newbie Heechul, who had already cultivated a reputation of eccentricity, took a liking to him and allowed him to speak informally to him. He just didn't get it. What was it about him that made him so appealing to everyone?
Now, looking right into those brown puppy eyes as he turned around to congratulate Hyukjae, his mind was starting to slowly put together the jigsaw puzzle of reasons. They had never stood this close to each other before. Always brushing shoulders whenever they practiced dancing together in the crowded room, or walking along the corridors in between classes. Making slightly awkward conversations during break time when it was just the two of them. This was the first time he really looked at him.
There was a certain air about him. Subtle. It slowly draw you in without you really realizing it. Staring into those shiny puppy eyes, he had the sudden urge to pounce on him and give him a bone-crushing hug. Just so he could get rid of the forlorn expression hidden beneath that bright grin.
He didn't. Instead, he stuck out his hand and just said "Thank you Donghae-sshi."
****
I think that was the first time I ever said his name out loud instead of referring to him as that kid or him. Even to his face, I had never said his name. He mused. "Lee Donghae." he said once more, slowly savoured the taste of each letter, each syllable, as they rolled off his tongue.
It was funny how he still hadn't really fully gotten along with Donghae at that time. Even though he treated him so coldly in the beginning, they had plenty of mutual friends and he needled him endlessly together with Junsu about how being a celebrity would change him when Smile was first announced. Almost as if they were close friends. But he supposed Donghae was just easygoing like that. Not that it had changed much over the years. Even now, at the height of his popularity, he was still the man-child he had met all those years ago.
****
2003
Deflated. That was the only thing he could feel. Because if he let other emotions in, he was sure he would go insane from the sheer intensity of all those emotions combined.
He supposed that he should have expected for something like this to happen. Time goes by and management was free to change their mind anytime they want. So, he shouldn't have been surprised that the R&B project group he was in was eventually dropped.
But what really got to him was the fact that Junsu was gone.
Or at least as good as gone. Once he made his debut with DBSK, they would see less of each other because of his hectic schedule of the next big thing the industry had seen. It just couldn't be helped. It felt like someone had knifed him right where it mattered when Junsu told him that he was not going to be able to debut together with him, just liked they promised each other they would. Even though he hadn't intentionally broken his promise, it still hurt like hell anyway.
Just as he was wallowing in self-pity, someone reached out to him. Offered him a cup of hot chocolate with a side of sympathy and comfort. Out of all the people, Donghae was the last person he expected to see. Months later, he had finally managed to muster enough courage to ask Donghae why he had extended his hand out at the very moment. God knows that he was never friendly with Donghae, neither was he good at expressing his feelings. Donghae just smiled and gave him another hug. And at that very second, he knew. He finally understood why everyone loved this man-child to no ends.
****
He still flipped through those memories fondly even if it was one of the those hitrockbottomunbelievablelypainful moments. Because despite how lost he was at that time, he found that he always had a lamp in his hand, lighting his way through the mindless dark.
He just never noticed.
****
November 6, 2005
This has to be the weirdest thing he has ever seen in his life.
Twelve people. Waiting in a shoe box of a room, like a can of packed sardines. Fighting tooth and nail to suppress all that nervousness and mind games. Nervousness because this would be Super Junior's debut stage. Mind games were a result of all that criticisms of being part of such a large idol group. Even before they had started on this journey, people had already predicted their failure. Tried as he might to avoid reading all the negative comments (because really, it was just demoralizing), in the end, it was just human nature to be inexplicably drawn to things that were bad to you. Much like moth to flames.
He took a deep breath. It was meant to calm his nerves down but instead, it made him feel more jittery instead. He was lost in the ocean of negativity when he felt Donghae plopped down next to him, arms intertwining with his, head resting on his shoulders. Normally, he would have brushed off Donghae's advances because it was his inept self's way of expressing his affection for the younger man. The fact that the usually hyper Donghae was actually calmed down and quietly going around offering some form of reassurances unique to each member brought along a wave of unexplainable relief that coursed through his entire body, soothing his frayed nerves.
"Get ready. It's your stage in five minutes."
Through the rumbling sounds of chairs being moved about, and people trying to move around in the God damned cramp space, all he saw was that wide grin playing on his lips; excited that they were finally going to be on stage. Performing. Marking their official debut. Just like what they dreamed about all those years ago.
Unconsciously, he gave him his best gummy smile, knowing everything was going to be alright.
****
He still remembered the day when it was first announced that he was going to debut. He couldn't decide if he wanted to be happy or upset. He remembered asking repeatedly if this was a joke and what exactly was the punchline.
Twelve people. He scoffed. How the hell was twelve people going to be able to agree on anything? Forget that. Just trying to make up a choreography would be a headache worthy of the worst hangover in the history of worst hangovers. Even if it was suppose to be a rotational project group, the members chosen to be in the group seemed so.... erratic. It was like trying to make a simple garden salad, only to destroy it by trying to spice it up with ingredients that shouldn't even BE in the salad to begin with.
He remembered bemoaning about it to Donghae and Sungmin. He might be friends with most of the people placed in the project group, but that doesn't necessarily meant that they will all get along. His complaints fell onto deaf ears.
Instead, what really stood out from that particular day, was seeing Donghae being so ecstatic that all his favourite people were going to be in the same group as him, debuting together as one big happy (albeit dysfunctional) family.
****
August 2006
The past weeks had been a whirlwind of crying, worrying and nervous breakdowns. When he found that that Donghae had went ahead with his schedules and shot the Mini Drama with them, he was livid. How could management be so cruel? He just lost his father. His favourite hyung had just gotten into an accident attending said father's funeral. Donghae has already been weighted down with so much guilt, pain and sorrow. He should be given a grace period for mourning and reflections. Not dive straight back into work.
But Donghae was adamant. He was not going to take a break from Super Junior activities. Because by doing that, he would not be fulfilling his father's dream of him becoming an entertainer. A performer. He loved his father too much to let that happen. His father might not be there physically, but spiritually, he was still there and he refused to disappoint him. He didn't say much about Heechul but he knew that the Donghae had taken the blame for Heechul's accident even though it wasn't his fault to begin with.
He heaved a sigh. Despite everything Donghae told him, he knew better. Underneath that happy and strong facade, hid a young man who grieved deeply for the lost of the biggest influence in his life. It was almost unbelievable how Donghae could still have any strength and emotion left in him to congratulate Jungsu and him heartily when they started DJ-ing. While it pained him to see Donghae looked so beaten up and tired behind closed doors, he was somewhat glad that he could somehow feel the pain and guilt that was eating at him on the inside, as if the emotions just flowed out from Donghae and into him; like a telephatic connection. He found it strange that he could feel this way, but didn't think much about it as he was happy that he could at least share some of the burden he carried around with him so much.
****
2006 was the year that he will always remembered as the year of rollercoaster ride for Super Junior and for him. It started with the addition of a new member. The 13th member. The old jealousy kicked in and he really detested Kyuhyun when he first joined them. The rest of them took years of training before they could even think of debuting. And here was this kid, joining the team after only three months of training. Sure he was happy that along with the new member, Super Junior was now declared a fixed group. No more changes to the line-up and he got to keep his happy dysfunctional family close. But he allowed his bitterness and hate for the rookie to cloud his happiness.
Not Donghae. He accepted Kyuhyun with bright smiles and made sure that he was properly taken care of whenever possible. Always playing games with him and made sure he was comfortable living in a dorm with twelve other people. He held no grudge against the maknae, even when the eternal maknae Ryeowook had disliked and shunned him out in the beginning. Till now, it made him feel guilty that he didn't follow Donghae's example and try to be nice to Kyuhyun. Maybe that's why he loves to bully all of his hyungs so much except Donghae.He thought wryly.
2006 was also the year that Eunhae went public for the first time. He grinned like an idiot at that memory. He was so proud of himself. For once, he had managed to express his feelings properly. Or as much as he could anyway. He always like their name. Especially when their Hanja name were written together. 银海. Silver Sea. The name itself promised them a retreat, a hideaway if you will, where they can run away together when the going got too tough. He can never forget how that simple declaration made Donghae over the moon. The sunshine and rainbows that followed after had made the 15 seconds of awkward declaration to the world the most worthwhile thing he had ever did. Even if Donghae had later changed it to include Siwon in it to not the younger one feel left out, the name Eunhae will always remained theirs.
****
April 2007
Sirens blaring. Flashes of lights. Prayers. Then darkness.
****
The memories from that year still made him flinched. It made his entire being weighed down by guilt and what-ifs. Promises to treat Kyuhyun better and guilt for not doing so right from the beginning. Or the emptiness in Donghae's eyes when he found out about the accident. All life devoid from them, leaving behind an empty husk. No. No more. And so, the memories were locked, keys thrown; and tucked away in the corner of his mind, never to be opened again unless he had a masochistic side to him that he never knew he had.
****
June 7, 2008
It has been two months since SJM started promotional activities in China. He would be lying if he said that he hadn't miss him. But he would shoot himself in the foot first before he admitted out loud that he missed him. Because he was just insufferable like that. After all, it wasn't as if Donghae doesn't know that was how his mind worked. He had been telling everyone all these years that they were just colleagues. Not friends. Just this person he had to work with. He'd be damned if he admitted now that he missed him.
But he did. Especially since today was the day SJH would make their debut performance. No matter how many times he had performed live, every time always felt like the first time. Nerve-wracking.
So there he was, sitting in a waiting room that was slightly bigger than the first one he was in when it was Super Junior's first performance. Anxiously pacing, driving everyone else insane when his phone beeped.
Yah. I hope you see this before you go on stage. Good luck! And don't you dare say I'm just a colleague on Sukira later. Or I'll get Heechul-hyung to make your life miserable until I come back. 사랑해:)
His first stage as SJH had him flashing the fans one of the widest gummy smile ever.
****
SJM. The last sub-unit of Super Junior. He knew that Donghae had a miserable time in China. It wasn't because he was homesick. Somehow, he managed to get his hands on all of their schedules and call them at the right moment, as if he knew that they had the sudden urge to talk to him right then.
But no, the reason why Donghae had a miserable time was because he couldn't make people smile. Not the fans. The fans were easy. They were already in love with him before he had even set foot or debut as SJM. No. It was Zhoumi and Henry. When they were in Korea, he could still protect them; shielded them from the onslaught of hurt. In China, it was a whole new different ballgame. Just how do you protect someone when you can't even speak the language anyway? He knew it ate at Donghae on the inside, heart locked in a tight vise, that he couldn't do anything for them. That he could only stand in the sidelines and watched haplessly as the Only13 slowly shredded them one tiny piece at a time; their family. It reminded them all too much about the time when Kyuhyun first joined and there were people protesting. But never like this. And definitely not this intense.
It was all he could do before enveloping Donghae in a tight hug and never let go. But since he couldn't, he settled for trying his best to reassure Donghae through phone calls and emails that his efforts weren't futile; that things would get better eventually.
****
2009
The comeback. This was it. After what felt like several lifetimes, everyone was back together. Promoting as Super Junior and not in any of the sub-units. He wished Kibum was here but he understood that if you loved someone, you let them go to explore the world on their own. All he could do was keep in touch and reminded him that they will be always standing behind him, whenever he turned his head back.
He was excited. They got Nick Bass to help with their choreography this year. And he praised both him and Donghae! And taught Sungmin this really cool cap dance. He had a feeling that it was going to be a good year.
And the best part? He got to share it with the fish who was finally back from that waterhole that was China. Any place would be considered a waterhole if it meant that the fish had to be so far away from him for such a long time.
He smiled indulgently as he watched Donghae chattereing excitedly with Heechul while they planned a prank on an unsuspecting Siwon. Life couldn't get better.
****
Sorry Sorry. How appropriate. It was like the song was an indirect apology to the fans. For Kibum's absense. For Kangin's mistakes. For Hangeng's lawsuit. He thought with a touch of irony. And just maybe. Maybe the song was also trying to warn me about Junsu's lawsuit against the dreams that we spent days and nights talking about under the summer sky. He thought, memories flooding through his mind along with waves of endless sadness and regret. Who could have predicted that their biggest hit so far was actually an omen for what was to come?
Every night, he would always found Donghae fast asleep, curled up in his bed, as if it was the most natural thing to do in the world. He said nothing. Instead, he just held him; cuddled into him and dreamed of the past, where times were simpler and the future looked so warm and inviting.
****
2010
This year was the year where everyone were allowed more creative freedom. This was the first time that SJ and SJM made a collaboration. This was also the first time that he collaborated with Donghae on a song; just the two of them. 여행. He remembered that day clearly. Donghae came to him and said that he wanted to write a goodbye song for Yoongwoon. Not just for the fans. But for Super Junior themselves as well. To remind Yoongwoon that they forgave him and that they would be waiting patiently for him to return, arms wide opened.
He remembered how earnest Donghae was when he made his request. He wanted it to be personal; special so he decided to try his hand at composing and writing. And who better to teach him than Hyukjae, who had been writing lyrics ever since they debuted till now? And so they did. With the help of Ryeowook, they taught Donghae the intricate nature of a song. From the weaving of notes, to the melody arrangement, as well as the beauty of stringing words together. 여행 was born.
He took time off to watch the recording session of that song. It was easily the most heartbreaking masterpiece he had seen at work.
****
2010 was his favourite year. Because he got to see Donghae grew into this accomplished all-rounder. For once, he did not have to share the limelight with the rest of them. He was the sole member who became the brand ambassador for Maxim contact lens. Not only did he started acting, he wrote and composed melodies that melted his insides into pools of nothing (again, not that he would ever admit it). He still joked about it and said that "love" was the only word that Donghae knew when he wrote 지금처럼 for the drama he was casted in. It was true though. For as long as he knew Donghae, love seemed to be the ONLY word he seemed to know. He might get into arguments with the members. But by the end of the day, teary-eyed, he would apologize for fighting, even if it wasn't his fault, and made amends. And just when you thought you couldn't possibly love the man more than you already do.
****
February 2011
The company had finally made the official announcement: he and Sungmin would be placed as guest members in SJM. After all these time, he finally could see what had gotten Donghae so excited when he was promoting in the Chinese market.
While there were protests and criticisms in the beginning about his place in the group, he was glad that he could have some Eunhae time. Especially when he found out that if he wasn't with SJM, it would be a long time before he could see Donghae again because of the Taiwanese drama filming.
Though the protests made him wondered just how bad was the protests when SJM first started. Sure, he had seen how fans reacted during the SS2 in Shanghai. But that was only one concert. To face it everyday; having it haunt your dreams and stalk your reality, must have been so mentally traumatizing for Zhuomi and Henry. He was beginning to understand why Donghae was so broken in the beginning. Which is why he was alright with the idea that Donghae would be sitting with Henry, Sungmin and Ryeowook instead of him while they were promoting. In a way, Donghae was in charge of the members who were more fragile, but with the bigger hearts.
It made his heart swelled with pride when he watched his best friend go about happily in this little thing called SJM, striving to be the best while watching over his family. Just like he always had from the start.
****
Looking back at the path they walked on together, he still wasn't sure what made him realized that he found his soul mate. The turning point might have been there once, but it was hard to pinpoint the exact moment. He supposed it was the little things he did. Waking up to a quiet hug in the morning. Loud arguments about their conflicting interests. A soft smile under the moonlight when they had late schedules together.
But whatever it was, he was glad he found Donghae. The connection they made was something that was beyond this world. Unbreakable. Resilient to the tests and trials of time. An inexplicable tug of the heartstrings. Even if he never finds that one true love, he already felt complete just having Donghae by his side.
Best friends; soul mates. Forever and always 银海.
That was the unquestionable; undeniable truth.
------
A/N: Ok. This is a mess of a fic. A ridiculously long one at that (and here I thought I couldn't write any longer /bangs head on table). I have no idea what this is really. It's one of those stories where you know how it goes, but it never comes out the way you want it to be.
Also, I tried my best to be chronologically correct with the events that happened throughout the story. And did some research about the definitions of soul mates. There were some of the quotes that I thought were very meaningful to what we think soul mates are. Anyone interested should look for Thomas Moore or Richard Bach.
Go here for blue_mori's version of the same prompt. She used "Neutral" and it's an awesome Ryeowook-centric crack fic ;)
Comments and feedback are loved!