Bad joke. Dirty joke.
So yeah, a dirty trick has been played upon me.
I've this son and this daughter and this wife, and they mean all the world to me, fucking period. Words can't encapsulate the experience. It's new to me. It's outside the pale.
Thanks to this, I can't properly miss all the things I *used* to love.
That sounds so fucking mundane, so trivial. Not to mention ungrateful.
But dammit, there are people and places and events that were so precious, they made my very soul weep. I cherished them at the time, and took a certain pleasure from missing them when the show was ended. An intense pleasure. I'd been there, enjoying that thing, or that person's company. The memory was there, primordial, visceral. Sweet, sweet stuff, even if all you're getting out of it anymore is MISSING IT.
Now... I don't have that luxury. My thoughts are too wrapped up in the present. How the fuck am I gonna make rent happen *this* time? How the fuck am I gonna be a good father, with crack cocaine in my recent history? How this, how that, fuck fuck fuck bullshit etc. NOW matters, period, and that's the way it jolly well should be.
Right?
I miss missing Savannah.
I miss missing James Chanlee Stowe.
I miss missing Tiana Rabusin.
I miss missing more people, places and things than I can possibly enumerate here.
(Dennis, you sound a wee bit crazy. The present world can't in fact invade your brain and limit what you choose to MISS.)
How much money would you like to bet on that, fucker?
Jenn, Elizabeth, Deb. Pete Clark. Preston Pollock. Fucking pushing a train. Rush, the Cars, Phish, Eric White. Jeff, Radar, Shellie, Brydie, Dasher, Dancer, fucking Vixen, FUCK.
God, I want to miss you all. You DESERVE to be missed, 'coz God knows you're special. Enriching. The Good Stuff.
And all I typically feel anymore is this sort of numb thing that I used to actually SEEK OUT, back in my high school days. This... no, you can't call it apathy. I care. I want to feel, beyond my love for my wife and kids. What do you call it? Numbness. Just plain numb... beyond the immediate. Wife. Kids. Those, at least, are real and enriching.
But that seems to be all that I have room for, on the average day. Love the wife, love the kids, try hard to base my choices upon that love, and drive the fuck on.
I miss feeling like a human being instead of just a provider (however inadequate). I miss missing things.
I've this son and this daughter and this wife, and they mean all the world to me, fucking period. Words can't encapsulate the experience. It's new to me. It's outside the pale.
Thanks to this, I can't properly miss all the things I *used* to love.
That sounds so fucking mundane, so trivial. Not to mention ungrateful.
But dammit, there are people and places and events that were so precious, they made my very soul weep. I cherished them at the time, and took a certain pleasure from missing them when the show was ended. An intense pleasure. I'd been there, enjoying that thing, or that person's company. The memory was there, primordial, visceral. Sweet, sweet stuff, even if all you're getting out of it anymore is MISSING IT.
Now... I don't have that luxury. My thoughts are too wrapped up in the present. How the fuck am I gonna make rent happen *this* time? How the fuck am I gonna be a good father, with crack cocaine in my recent history? How this, how that, fuck fuck fuck bullshit etc. NOW matters, period, and that's the way it jolly well should be.
Right?
I miss missing Savannah.
I miss missing James Chanlee Stowe.
I miss missing Tiana Rabusin.
I miss missing more people, places and things than I can possibly enumerate here.
(Dennis, you sound a wee bit crazy. The present world can't in fact invade your brain and limit what you choose to MISS.)
How much money would you like to bet on that, fucker?
Jenn, Elizabeth, Deb. Pete Clark. Preston Pollock. Fucking pushing a train. Rush, the Cars, Phish, Eric White. Jeff, Radar, Shellie, Brydie, Dasher, Dancer, fucking Vixen, FUCK.
God, I want to miss you all. You DESERVE to be missed, 'coz God knows you're special. Enriching. The Good Stuff.
And all I typically feel anymore is this sort of numb thing that I used to actually SEEK OUT, back in my high school days. This... no, you can't call it apathy. I care. I want to feel, beyond my love for my wife and kids. What do you call it? Numbness. Just plain numb... beyond the immediate. Wife. Kids. Those, at least, are real and enriching.
But that seems to be all that I have room for, on the average day. Love the wife, love the kids, try hard to base my choices upon that love, and drive the fuck on.
I miss feeling like a human being instead of just a provider (however inadequate). I miss missing things.