(no subject)
I'm getting that itch in the back of my head. Part of me thinks that it's getting to be time to move on. This isn't a new feeling or thought, just very pronounced lately. And I don't know where it comes from. Might be partly boredom, becoming too comfortable, still feeling uncomfortable where I am, or just an inherent wanderlust hiding somewhere under my skull. I'd imagine that it's a combination of that and probably more. What I do know is that I can't stay here. I'm going to have to leave, move on. That leads to the question of how much change am I going to need and how much longer I can stay where I am, in all senses of the word.
What change do I need? Just change my living situation, get a new job, move to a new region. I'm sure there are other things that I could change that would buy me more time. Because the problem isn't just that I feel the need to get moving. It's that, knowing myself, I run the risk of starting to sabatoge myself if I don't. I'm not sure how to further describe it here. And I know that is part of my problem; if I had a better grasp of it, well, maybe I'd be in more control of it. Maybe. When I get like this my up and down swings increase, with the lows being even lower. And I lose focus, perspective. And willpower. Which makes the task of pulling myself back onto track more difficult. And in the past these sort of moods have led, if you'll pardon the continued analogy, to a complete derailment of my life. And I really want to avoid that now that I've managed to taste some small portion of success, of what it's like to be good at things.
And I can keep trudging along like I am right now. I know that. I have enough control on the vitally important things that I know they won't slip yet, though smaller bits will. Enough to hurt myself, and others. But nothing "fatal" or that would require me to once again "reboot" my life.
Part of my wants to move on and get a fresh start in a new locale, but I'm not quite comfortable with myself on this. I am not sure that all of my reasons for wanting to do this are entirely healthy or wise and it does feel somewhat like running away. So before I do leave this place that has been my home for so long, I'd like to come to peace with that a little.
Also I don't feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to do here. I have gone further than I'd have imagined in some ways, but in others, I am truely hesitant to leave without everything resolved. It'd do me good to finish up what I started before trying to start somewhere else.
Looking back, I see that I've included things that I hadn't planned on and ignored others I'd meant to touch on. Slightly morose in my musings, not what I intended. And vague. Yeah, well, that happens sometimes. I'm not gonna go back and do a clean and clear on my words. Use your imaginations, as I'm sure that it'll be more interesting than the truth. *wink*
So hopefully having all this down in words will help me work through it and figure out my next step.
What change do I need? Just change my living situation, get a new job, move to a new region. I'm sure there are other things that I could change that would buy me more time. Because the problem isn't just that I feel the need to get moving. It's that, knowing myself, I run the risk of starting to sabatoge myself if I don't. I'm not sure how to further describe it here. And I know that is part of my problem; if I had a better grasp of it, well, maybe I'd be in more control of it. Maybe. When I get like this my up and down swings increase, with the lows being even lower. And I lose focus, perspective. And willpower. Which makes the task of pulling myself back onto track more difficult. And in the past these sort of moods have led, if you'll pardon the continued analogy, to a complete derailment of my life. And I really want to avoid that now that I've managed to taste some small portion of success, of what it's like to be good at things.
And I can keep trudging along like I am right now. I know that. I have enough control on the vitally important things that I know they won't slip yet, though smaller bits will. Enough to hurt myself, and others. But nothing "fatal" or that would require me to once again "reboot" my life.
Part of my wants to move on and get a fresh start in a new locale, but I'm not quite comfortable with myself on this. I am not sure that all of my reasons for wanting to do this are entirely healthy or wise and it does feel somewhat like running away. So before I do leave this place that has been my home for so long, I'd like to come to peace with that a little.
Also I don't feel like I've accomplished everything I wanted to do here. I have gone further than I'd have imagined in some ways, but in others, I am truely hesitant to leave without everything resolved. It'd do me good to finish up what I started before trying to start somewhere else.
Looking back, I see that I've included things that I hadn't planned on and ignored others I'd meant to touch on. Slightly morose in my musings, not what I intended. And vague. Yeah, well, that happens sometimes. I'm not gonna go back and do a clean and clear on my words. Use your imaginations, as I'm sure that it'll be more interesting than the truth. *wink*
So hopefully having all this down in words will help me work through it and figure out my next step.