(no subject)
Get ready to have your mind BLOWN
Teaser:
Henry: Let me draw you a map to my balloon.
Jack: That is DISGUSTING.
Locke: That’s what she said.
Type your cut contents here.
Star Trek: Orion
Concept by Nti Aning
Screenplay by Laura Nessler & Jennifer Tanko
Pilot
[Int. Orion Bridge]
Commander Spike: Wuss that, mate? Eh wotcher man, got tons of aliens and whatnot, got to fix me a cuppa tea and get shagged.
[Mild audience chuckle]
Captain Jarrah: What I am trying to tell you is that Nadia smells like flowers. One quarter impulse power!
Liutenant Aning: You betcha, Mistah Locke!
[Uproarious laughter]
Captain Jarrah: Huh? [------opening creds------------]
[Still Int Orion Bridge]
Lieutenant Aning: Sorry Cap’n, I thought you was Mistah Locke.
Captain Jarrah: Tell me where he touched you.
[Audience ooh’s in anticipation]
Lietenant Aning: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
[Dull roar of bellowing laughter]
Commander Spike: Tea motherfucker, fucker, tea mother fucker. Fuck, I need some drugs.
Lietnenananananat Aning: I wish I had friends.
[Ent. Agent Michael Scarn]
Agent Scarn: If you are racist, I will attack you with the north.
Lieutenant Aning: HALLELUJAH. I’m gonna go read Al Sharpton and listen to Stevie Wonder, hooray hooray! Only in America!
Agent Scarn: Ensign Ivawhatever has uncovered a vat filled with tribbles. This is a problem because tribbles are already too revisited in the Star Trek universe and it’s an over-rated episode. In the meanting, Security Officer Tasha Yar (no relation to the Head of Security Tasha Yar from TNG) has had her mind infiltrated by an alien life-force known as the Phoenix and is currently invincible with god-like abilities. Captain, what do we do?
[Awkward pause]
Captain Jarrah: Agent Scarn, why did you shave your head?
Agent Scarn: I don’t know, ask the writer.
[Audience convulses in laughter for about 20 minutes. Its funny because Locke is also bald. Think about it.]
Captain Jarrah: Agent Scarn, with great power comes great responsibility.
Agent Scarn: I know what I have to do…it’s just…I’m afraid to do it. I can’t make it to Mordor on my own.
[Ent. Chuck Norris with guitar singing song]
Chuck Norris: Rockin to Mordooooooorrrrr….and…rockin….all the way…we’re rockin…to MORDOOOR.
Agent Scarn: Kind sir, will YOU help me?
[Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Agent Scarn, Captain Jarrah, Ensign Ivawhatever, Tasha Yar, Commander Spike, and all of this momentum causes a timewarp, where he roundhouse kicks Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Picard and roundhouse kicks Wesley Crusher so hard his head falls off. The audience cheers enthusiastically at this. However, the officers of Orion are left behind in the time warp to consort with the TNG cast as Chuck Norris rips apart the nexus with his pinkie toes.]
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot.
Commander Spike: Right on, mate!
Picard: Captain Jean Luc Picard, USS Enterprise!
Commander Spike [starting to beatbox]: Captain Jean Luc Picard…USS…Enterprise
[Picard joins in.]
Lietenantioz Aning: Y’all can’t rap! Y’alls white!
Picard: That’s racist!
Litenanmiii Aning: Its ok if I’m racist. I’m not republican.
Tasha Yar (Orion): OMG! There’s someone just like me.
Tasha Yar (Enterprise): WTF. This is weird.
Tasha Yar (Orion): Haha you die after the first season and the fuckin’ kid gets to keep whining about picking up power converters for the next couple seasons.
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot. ENGAGE.
Lieutenant Aning: IN MY PANTS.
[Ent. John Locke]
Locke: We’re going to have to take the boy.
Lieutenant Aning: Aw man, not again.
Picard: WALT!!!!!
Locke: I said, we’re going to have to take the boy.
Picard: WALT!!!
Lieutenant Aning: Damn dad, is that all you say?
Picard: I apparently had a really nice body a couple of years ago. See the writer for details.
[Ent. Bill O’Reilly]
Bill: You have no idea. PS I’m balding LOLZ.
[Chuck Norris, still traveling through time roundhouse kicking the universe, roundhouse kicks Bill O’Reilly so hard in the face that his body pops inside out, and bill eats himself, thus ridding the galaxy of his existence. A faint “pop” sound is heard as Bill’s mass disappears in the undending vortex of his bowels.]
Picard: What?
Ensign Ivawhatever: I have no idea.
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot. THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS.
[Captain Jarrah takes off a black leather glove and slaps Picard’s cheek with it.]
Captain Jarrah: I challenge you to a duel.
Picard: Who are you, Zell Miller? GO AWAY.
[Ent. Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes]
Sean Hannity: Alan, I told you-you take the baby from the woman’s stomach and I let you eat on Wednesdays. What is so hard to understand about that?!
Alan [ridiculously pitifully]: Ah, but sir-sir-its just that I thought you were against abortion…I mean…most…republicans…let alone mandatory abortion…
Sean Hannity: BEND OVER YOU PANSY.
Captain Jarrah: Wow, what a fag.
Sean Hannity: I AM NOT GAY.
Lieutnenantnana Aning: You’s mean you not happy? But why?
[Audience laughs and slaps knees collectively]
Alan: Uhm…sir? I’m a bit sore today, maybe tomorrow we could-
Hannity: I SAID BEND THE FUCK OVER, YOU NUMB-NUT! If I have to tell you one more time….I’ll… [Obviously desperate for control over Alan, Hannity grabs the nearest phaser and sets it to stun] I’ll concentrate the beam so your penis FALLS THE FUCK OFF, YOU LITTLE TIT!
Alan: Oh no sir I’m sorry!
[Chuck Norris, still traveling through time, passes by and roundhouse kicks Hannity so hard in the nuts that they split off his body, thus creating deadly projectiles. One hits the Orion version of Tasha Yar, effectively creating a large hole through her head. The other passes through the kidney of John Locke.]
Locke: NOOOOO THAT WAS MY LAST ONE!
[Fast forward in time to Int. Mill Mountain]
Alan: So I mean, its hard and all, you know? Sean says that he thinks that the gays should you know, go to hell, but then he ambushes me with these…urges…
Locke: You think that’s bad?! I WANT MY KIDNEYS BACK! THAT’S RIGHT! BOTH OF ‘EM! I could punch you right now if I wanted to.
Alan: I’m used to it…I…
[Locke takes Alan’s hand]
Locke: Shh….
[Ent. Henry Gale]
Henry: WHAT IS THIS?
Locke: AW FUCK. Uhm this is…my Alan---my UNCLE Alan! We were just uh…sitting….
Henry: Aw, John, you want me to meet your family?
John: [Shifty eyes] Uhm, yes, Henry. I feel we’re steady enough in our relationship that-
Henry: OH BOYZ! I’m gonna go get me a wedding dress! [Exits]
John: Whew, thank god that’s over.
Alan: Don’t thank god, senator, and certainly don’t thank me.
John: What are you going to do to me?
Alan: Let’s just say…god works too slowly.
John: OH BABY.
Alan [seriously, taking a letter out from his pocket]: YOU WROTE ME A LETTER!
[Ent. Claire]
Claire: All you had to say was that you didn’t love me and that you didn’t want to see me anymore! [She exits]
John: Well, looks like its time to go…BACK TO THE FUTURE.
[They do.]
[Int. TNG Enterprise (I think it’s enterprise C but I could be wrong. Or D.)]
Worf: I’m a klingon, ARGH!
Locke: WE HUNT BOAR.
Worf: I am here to defend my honor, ARGH!
Locke: We’re not the only people on this island, and we ALL KNOW IT!
Captain Jarrah: My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torturer. YOU WOULD REMEMBER….IF IT WERE TRUE!
Picard: And my name is Captain Jean Luc Picard and I’m an alcoholic.
Lieutenant Aning: My name is Walt Aning and I’m an angel-aholic.
Locke: I molest little boys.
[Ent. Angel]
Lietuananttt Aning: OMGSPLURT [Passes out]
Angel: I would never engage in a sexual relationship with that kid.
[Angel exits]
Picard: I find that vamp strangely attractive. It’s so wrong, yet, so right. [Exits after Angel]
Lieutannntaasz Aning: [Waking up] Lyke where’s Angel, lolz. He’s my hero because he’s sexy and gets the job done.
Commander Data: That’s what she said.
[Audience cracks up.]
Claire: I’m sorry commander, but that’s just not my kind of humor.
Captain Jarrah: Shut up and go get knocked up again.
Ensign Ivawhatever: BOO WHORE.
Lietuentannnnzorz Aning: Excuse me, but I had a few birds to kill with my eyes. Nice seeing all of yalls.
Locke: Wait, Walt! I love you! You complete me! You had me at hello!
Lieutenantz0rz Aning: WTF, U R WEIRD M8.
[Lieantia Aning exits. Chuck Norris, still roundhouse kicking his way through both time and space, shows up and roundhouse kicks Commander Spike so hard in the jaw that his head implodes from the force, thus creating another time warp and landing our cast in Shawsville. They are sitting around the table of a Cracker Barrel]
Lietneneneniii1234 Aning: All I can say is that the name of this place makes me feel kind of out of place. Excuse me. [He exits]
Locke: I’m getting the BOAR.
Picard: [shyly] Do you, ah…do you…want to be my friend?
Locke: OH COURSE NOT YOU PUSSY [He rips off a mask and reveals that he is really…SEAN HANNITY.]
Hannity: It ain’t just the child molesters who like boar. I kill them myself.
Picard: YOU ARE LIVING A LIE! I thought you were my friend, I thought we were close….I thought we had something. Where is the real John Locke?
Captain Jarrah: That’s what she said.
Hannity: BWAHAHAHA! Thwarted again, John Locke! What you really don’t know is…[whips out a gun and shoots John in the kidney] YOU’RE OUT ANOTHER KIDNEY!
[Somehow, Locke’s “third kidney” pops out of his body from the bullet hole and lays on the floor.]
Picard: AWKWARD!
[Locke falls to the ground crying.]
Locke: I just want it back…please come back…[pounds on kidney whole-heartedly, as if administering CPR] Please…come back.
[Ent. Jack Sheppard. Superman theme plays triumphantly.]
Jack: I’ll save your kidney, John! Just don’t walk in on me while I’m showering anymore.
Locke: Aw, man!
Hannity: HAHAHA. Pansy’d.
Locke: How the fuck did I get here? And no, Jack. You liked it.
Jack: Dammit Locke…I…you know what? You don’t deserve a kidney. I’ll just take this kidney and give it to a more deserving citizen like…[He scans the restaurant. Ever character introduced, about 23 people by now are there] Agent Scarn. Agent Scarn, come on down, you’ve won the Jack Sheppard Kidney Giveaway!
Locke: Rats.
[Chuck Norris shows up yet again at the Cracker Barrel, this time roundhouse kicking Agent Scarn so hard in the crotch that it becomes inverted. Then, he follows up the kick in his back and Agent Scarn is given boobs. Agent Scarn will from now on be known as Michaela Scarn, rather than Michael.]
Jack: Uhm…that’s weird. OK the kidney now goes to…Henry Gale!
Henry: I’M FROM MINNESOTA!
Jack: Right. Here you go, then. [Hands Henry the kidney]
Henry: Uhm…I already have two…
Locke: [gasping for life on the floor] I have none! You hear that? NONE!
Henry: Well I’ll give it to ya…for a kiss.
[Ent. Sawyer]
Sawyer: He stole my line!
[Exit Sawyer]
Henry: So whattaya say?
Locke: Why not?
Jack: EWWWWW.
[They kiss, and Chuck Norris timewarps back to the Cracker Barrel, but is shot by the crazy Republicans who eat there. Henry and Locke are getting obscene and a five year old with his father’s shotgun puts an end to those crazy homos.]
Picard: NOOOOO! He was my only friend, god knows I’m too pissy to ever have another!
Crazy Republican: That ain’t natural!
Locke: And what IS natural, sir? Are you natural? Are any of us natural? Is this island even natural?
[Crazy republican tries to shoot him again but Locke just laughs]
Locke: I catch the bullets in my teeth. [He throws a knife and kills Crazy Republican]
Alan: That was…amazing…just…wow…
[Crazy Republican, on his last breath of life, shoots Alan]
Crazy Republican: Shut up, homo.
[Alan dies. Sean laughs.]
Hannity: Yes, now I have no one to oppose me on my show! Not that he ever did in the first place…so I imagine the show will be the same. [Hannity is lost in thought.]
Henry: Let me draw you a map to my balloon.
Jack: That is DISGUSTING.
Locke: That’s what she said.
Picard: Well, it’s about time we head back to the future. Ready to go in my time machine slash hummer?
Locke/Henry/Jack: WTF, HUMMER?!
[Ent. Al Gore]
Gore: That makes me sad.
[Exit Al Gore]
Locke/Henry/Jack: AWWW NO!
[They sneak out of the Cracker Barrel without paying and Picard walks them to his hummer, which has a Bush 2000 sticker on it.]
Locke [offhandedly]: Well DUH.
Henry: Hey look, its all the other people!
Captain Jarrah/Agent Scarn/Ensign Ivawhatever/Lientenant Aning/Angel/Commander Spike/Sawyer: Yeah, we were out gathering sticks.
Alan: [apparently he isn’t quite dead, on his last breath of life] That’s…what…she…said…
Henry: Wow, that was actually mildly entertaining.
[Ecstatic, Alan dies from a heart attack]
[Ent. Samuel L Jackson]
Jackson: It’s about motherfuckin time you brought me into this motherfuckin script. I’m tired of these damn snakes!
Henry: You got any milk?
Jackson: NO, MOTHERFUCKER, I DON’T GOT NO MILK AND THAT’S FUCKED UP THAT YOU BE ASKIN, BRO!
Locke: Cool hair.
Jackson: THANKS.
[Audience’s sides split from laughter.]
[There is an awkward silence as their laughter dies down]
Locke: so…ah…
Jackson: WE GOT SNAKES ON THIS BITCH.
Locke: Excuse me?
Jackson: YOU FUCKIN DEAF? I SAID WE GOTS SOME SNAKES!
Locke: I don’t think…but what if they aren’t, Samuel. What if they aren’t snakes at all.
Jackson: YOU BEST BE CALLIN ME MISTAH JACKSON!
Lietenanant Aning: Are you my dad?
Jackson: HELL NO.
Lieutenant Aning: Just checkin. Cause if you were, Mistah Locke says you gotta polish your daddy’s pole, and I used to think Mistah Locke was my daddy…soo…
[There is an awkward silence.]
Jackson: YO, LITTLE BOY, THAT IS FUCKED UP!
Henry: That’s what she---no, I can’t even do it. That really is fucked up. I can’t believe I ever…[turns to Locke] It is OVER.
Locke: I…you…we…
Jackson: YEAH BITCH. SUCK ON THAT.
Picard: I am so lonely.
[Henry is about to exit]
Locke: Henry-wait! You jump, I jump, remember?
Henry: I’ll never let go John. How could I leave you?
Picard: I AM SO LONELY.
Jackson: MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WON’T BE LONELY WHEN YOU’RE BATTLING DAMN SNAKES ON A FUCKIN PLANE. JOIN ME IN MY EFFORTS, AND YOU’LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!
Picard: YAY! Long live the king!
Henry [to Locke]: I think I may be falling in love with you.
Jackson: SUCKS TO BE YOU FUCKER. NOW WHO WANTS TO RIP SOME SNAKES IN HALF?
Picard: YAY! I would-
Jackson: NOT YOU! ANYONE ELSE?
[Several people raise their hands. Jackson shoots them.]
Jackson: THOUGHT SO!
[Exit Jackson]
Picard: MY LOVE!
[Ent Jackson]
Jackson: Oh, I’m so sorry baby I forgot…
Locke: You know what’s better hunting than snake? …BOAR.
Jackson: YO, FUCK YOU DAWG.
Locke: It’s true. Only fucking pansies hunt snake. Us real men, real men with knives…we go for the boar.
Henry: Oh baby!
Jackson: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’M TIRED OF THIS DAMN LOCKE ON THIS FUCKING SHIP.
[Locke, screaming like a girl, runs and hides.]
Lieutenant Aning: Does that make me the boar?
Jackson: WHAT YOU SAY?
Lieutnenant Aning: Before, when Mistah Locke said that real men with knives go for boar…does that make me the boar?
[Silence. At the same time, everyone on screen gets it and groans in disgust]
Jackson: THAT’S SOME STRAIGHT UP CHILD ABUSING, MOTHERFUCKER..
Commander Spike: Rape is always ok. As long as it’s Ensign Buffy.
Jackson: YO DATS FUCKED UP I’M NOT EVEN GONNA ASK, MOTHERFUCKER.
Commander Spike: More like slayerfucker, mate!
Jackson: WHAT’S THIS MATE SHIT? WHAT IS THIS, A FUCKIN PIRATE SHIP? DID YOU SEE THOSE FUCKED UP SEA PEOPLE IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN? YEAH THAT WAS TOUGH SHIT, BITCH! BUT DID THEY HAVE FUCKIN SNAKES? FUCK NO!
Lieuatanitazzz Aning: So am I like Locke’s mother, since you keep talking about mother fuckers?
Jackson: YO, I’M TIRED OF HEARING THESE FUCKED UP LINES THAT SUGGEST YOU AND LOCKE ARE LIKE A DAMN PAIR OF BUNNIES. I KILL FUCKIN SNAKES! I BATTLE EVIL!
Lietaanziououaio Aning: And you were fuckin killed by Emperor Palpatine, you dumb twit.
Jackson: HE WASN’T THE FUCKING EMPEROR YET, DOUCHE! HE WAS CHANCELLOR, HE DOESN’T BECOME EMPEROR TILL LATER!
Liatajsfdanz Aning: BULLSHIT! Before Windu was killed, they voted in the senate, remember? The whole ‘democracy is dying’ shit from Padme?
Jackson: FUCK YOU LITTLE KID. YOU WATCH TOO MANY DAMN MOVIES.
[Ent. Angel. Apparently, he’s exited sometime during the last few pages]
Angel: Don’t forget TV!
[Exit Angel]
Picard: So lonely right now…[He takes his hands out and begins to make them into puppets where he acts out him and Jackson talking]
Jackson [real]: IF YOU DON’T STOP WITH THIS PUPPET SHIT, I’LL POP A SNAKE IN YO FACE!
Picard [as Jackson]: I love you, Jean Luc Picard, USS Enterprise. You are like my own little boa constrictor.
[Another silence from all on screen and another collective moan]
Henry: [clinging to a box of cheerios] So uncomfortable right now!
Picard [warming up to Henry]: You know if things ever get lonely with you and Locke…a third person often enhances sexual experi-
Henry: I AM GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. A world full of NO.
[Picard looks glum and pouts.]
Henry: That’s so messed up. Go play with your puppets.
[Ent. Angel]
Angel: I was once a puppet.
Picard: Yeah and that episode sucked, as did your whole SERIES. Except for season five, because it has Spike and he’s a fox.
Commander Spike: Wossat, eh?
Picard [blushing]: NOTHING!
Angel: He’s a poser. I’m the original vampire…with SOUL!
Jackson: FUCK YEAH I LOVE DAT SOUL.
Angel: I’m a bad father.
[Exit Angel]
[Ent. Claire]
Claire: And I’m a bad mother. [She bursts into tears. Everybody looks at Locke, expecting him to comfort her]
Locke: [wrapping a leg around Henry] Hell, do I look like I swing that way anymore?
Jackson: NOT UNLESS I AM AFRAID OF SOME SNAKES ON A FUCKING PLANE WHICH LET ME RE-A-FUCKING-SURE YOU I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT. [lunging wildly toward Lituentnent Aning] DO YOU THINK I AM?
Lietuentnent Aning: No sir, I don’t! I really don’t! This is scarier than that time that the popo came to Mistah Lockes ranch-I mean house!
Jackson: FUCK THE POLICE! THEYS ALL IN COHORTS WITH THEM SNAKES.
[Ent. Ana-Lucia]
Ana-Lucia: FUCK YOU, JACKSON! Our mission is to bring those fuckers down, we’re on your side so don’t be fuckin knockin on us. That’s the NEW YORK police dept, sucker!
Jackson: AND YOU ARE?
Ana-Lucia: FUCKIN L.A.!
Jackson: DON’T FUCKIN PULL ME OVER ANYMORE JUST CAUSE I ‘LOOK SUSPICIOUS’ THEN. ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE SUSPICIOUS IS A FUCKIN SNAKE.
Ana-Lucia: FUCK YOU.
[Exit Ana-Lucia.]
Henry: What is all this talk of snakes, anyways? I saw a few snakes back on the island, but-
Jackson: YOU GOT FUCKIN SNAKES? DAMN, THE WHOLE WORLD’S BEEN LOW ON ‘EM EVER SINCE I STARTED MY CRUSADE! SHIT, I GOT A WHOLE NEW SOURCE! LET’S GO, FUCKERS!
[The cast voyages to the Lost island to battle snakes. Most of the cast really has no idea what the fuck is going on, but Jackson has trained them that whenever they hear the word ‘snake’, they must all shout ‘FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!’ Needless to say, this makes even an act as mundane as small talk pretty hard to follow.]
Jack: So…what’s the plan, chief?
Jackson: WHEN WE GET ON THE FUCKIN SNAKE-
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --FILLED ISLAND, WE’RE GONNA FIRST UNLEASH A DEADLY TOXIN THAT WILL SLOW THE SNAKE’S-
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --Senses so we can have a decent advantage.
Locke: Isn’t that cheating?
Jack: Listen, Samuel-
Jackson: MISTAH JACKSON TO YOU, WHITEY!
Jack: Right, well-
Locke: Excuse me Jack, but I believe that I had a question.
[Silence. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife]
Jackson: DAMN, I’M-A HAVE TO CUT THIS SEXUAL TENSION WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE!
Jack: I know you had a question Locke, but nobody really likes you and you have no friends. Oh, and no kidneys. Anyway, Mistah Jackson, I was wondering, how long do you think it would take to build an army?
Jackson: WHAT DA FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? THE CAVE TOWN COMMIE SHAREFEST THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE LEAVIN SNAKE
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --CORPSES ALONG THE WAY? THIS IS YO FUCKIN ARMY MISTER JACK SHEPPARD, SO I SUGGEST YOU BEND OVER.
Jack: Wait, why would I-
Jackson: A SNAKE FIGHTER HAS NEEDS MOTHER FUCKER. AND SINCE THAT ALAN IS GONE…WELL, YOU THE MOST PANSIEST GUY I GOT.
Locke: You know, if you wanted Mistah Jackson, I could take over and-
Jackson: -SNAKE!
Locke: What?
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: DIE, MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jumps off boat (they’re in a boat, you see, cause they haven’t yet reached the island) and wrestles a watersnake.]
Henry: MISTAH JACKSON, NO! That’s a fuckin SQUID!
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT….fuckin….oh….
Locke: I can’t take this tension! It’s too much! [Locke runs crying into the captain’s quarters.]
Jack: SHUT UP, LOCKE! Oh, he wasn’t being a douche…
Locke: [to self] I thought I was caught between Henry and Picard…but Jack’s just so damn HANDSOME.
Jack: Locke-
Locke: Call me John.
Jack: Right, John…you look real tense. [Massaging shoulders] Things aren’t so bad…
Locke: OH DEAR! I DON’T WANT TO HURT HENRY, BUT THIS IS JUST SO RIGHT….yet so WRONG! [Pushes Jack off] NO JACK! I am strangely attracted to you, but I can’t betray my love.
Jack: SHUT UP, LOCKE!
[Locke’s lip starts to quiver. Slowly, he begins whimpering. Jack starts to put his arm around him but Locke recoils]
Locke: I hate you…I hate you…Why do you do this to me?
[Jack and Locke both begin to sob. Henry comes out and starts sobbing too]
Henry: Its no fun being tortured!
Jackson: WHOA YALL. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? YOU KNOW WHY I THINK WE ALL HURT EACH OTHER SO BAD EVEN WHEN WE DON’T MEAN TO?
Locke: [full of emotion] WHY?! WHY DO WE DO IT?!
Jackson: BECAUSE SOMETIMES ITS EASIER TO HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE THAN TO TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.
Jack: [wiping his eyes] That’s…that’s beautiful.
Jackson: MOTHERFUCK IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
Locke: I know I should listen to my heart…but I don’t know what that means. Do I love everyone, since I end up hurting everyone?
Jackson: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING ALL THE ACTION ANYWAYS, MR. CLEAN? I’M A FUCKIN SNAKE
Entire cast: YO, FUCK THAT! I’M-A FUCKIN KILL THAT SNAKE!
Jackson: --HUNTER, BUT I GET NONE? WHAT THE FUCKIN’ FUCK?????
Locke: I’m hesitant!!!!!!!!!!!
Henry: I hope nobody cool or famous is staring at me.
[Ent. Chuck Norris]
Chuck Norris: I am-I-[At a loss for words, he karate chops the boat open] Fuck.
[Exit Chuck Norris]
Henry: Oh I am so embarrassed!
Sawyer: Yeah well you should be embarrassed Mr…looks like…ass.
Locke: Lost your touch, eh?
Jack: No, he hasn’t.
[Obnoxiously, the audience Ooooh’s in a ‘oh no he didn’t’ fashion]
Jack: Oh yeah, yeah, I went there. Yeah, I did.
Sawyer: [quietly] I am so ashamed. [He leaves]
Jack [distraught]: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, JOHN! IT’S EITHER HENRY OR ME, I’M SICK OF YOUR MIND GAMES.
Locke: Oh no! But I love you both so…Jack’s a sexy doctor but Henry has the whole pity factor. He’s like a little lost puppy whereas Jack’s like…a really arrogant version of Jesus. Except Jesus could save people. Jack’s saved like, what, one person?
[Jack hangs his head in shame.]
Locke: I’m sorry Jack, that’s not what I need at this phase in my life. I choose…bachelor number GALE!
Henry: OH BOYZ!
Picard: Fine, Jack gave an ultimatum, and now I give you one, Jackson. It’s either the snakes
Entire cast: YO FUCK THAT, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Picard: --or me!
Jackson: [Surveying Picard carefully] YO FUCK THIS SHIT. [He claps his hands, summoning Chuck Norris. Chuck roundhouse kicks Picard so hard that it alters the very fabric of his molecules, transforming Picard into a talking (yet fully functional) boa constrictor.]
Picard: OH YAY WE’RE ALL HAPPY!
[The entire cast pairs off, so that they all are in couples. Music swells and credits being to roll-until--]
[Enter Hurley]
Hurley: Hey ladies, its Hurley time.
[Awkward silence. Audience starts to laugh. Hurley starts to cry until--]
[Alan rises up from the dead and jumps into Hurley’s arms]
Hurley: I’ll protect you, Alan.
Alan: Oh Boy! And I bet you’ll even let me eat!
Entire cast: THAT WHAT SHE SAID!
[Samuel L Jackson throws snakes at the screen which become the credits]
Teaser:
Henry: Let me draw you a map to my balloon.
Jack: That is DISGUSTING.
Locke: That’s what she said.
Type your cut contents here.
Star Trek: Orion
Concept by Nti Aning
Screenplay by Laura Nessler & Jennifer Tanko
Pilot
[Int. Orion Bridge]
Commander Spike: Wuss that, mate? Eh wotcher man, got tons of aliens and whatnot, got to fix me a cuppa tea and get shagged.
[Mild audience chuckle]
Captain Jarrah: What I am trying to tell you is that Nadia smells like flowers. One quarter impulse power!
Liutenant Aning: You betcha, Mistah Locke!
[Uproarious laughter]
Captain Jarrah: Huh? [------opening creds------------]
[Still Int Orion Bridge]
Lieutenant Aning: Sorry Cap’n, I thought you was Mistah Locke.
Captain Jarrah: Tell me where he touched you.
[Audience ooh’s in anticipation]
Lietenant Aning: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
[Dull roar of bellowing laughter]
Commander Spike: Tea motherfucker, fucker, tea mother fucker. Fuck, I need some drugs.
Lietnenananananat Aning: I wish I had friends.
[Ent. Agent Michael Scarn]
Agent Scarn: If you are racist, I will attack you with the north.
Lieutenant Aning: HALLELUJAH. I’m gonna go read Al Sharpton and listen to Stevie Wonder, hooray hooray! Only in America!
Agent Scarn: Ensign Ivawhatever has uncovered a vat filled with tribbles. This is a problem because tribbles are already too revisited in the Star Trek universe and it’s an over-rated episode. In the meanting, Security Officer Tasha Yar (no relation to the Head of Security Tasha Yar from TNG) has had her mind infiltrated by an alien life-force known as the Phoenix and is currently invincible with god-like abilities. Captain, what do we do?
[Awkward pause]
Captain Jarrah: Agent Scarn, why did you shave your head?
Agent Scarn: I don’t know, ask the writer.
[Audience convulses in laughter for about 20 minutes. Its funny because Locke is also bald. Think about it.]
Captain Jarrah: Agent Scarn, with great power comes great responsibility.
Agent Scarn: I know what I have to do…it’s just…I’m afraid to do it. I can’t make it to Mordor on my own.
[Ent. Chuck Norris with guitar singing song]
Chuck Norris: Rockin to Mordooooooorrrrr….and…rockin….all the way…we’re rockin…to MORDOOOR.
Agent Scarn: Kind sir, will YOU help me?
[Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Agent Scarn, Captain Jarrah, Ensign Ivawhatever, Tasha Yar, Commander Spike, and all of this momentum causes a timewarp, where he roundhouse kicks Spock, Kirk, McCoy, Picard and roundhouse kicks Wesley Crusher so hard his head falls off. The audience cheers enthusiastically at this. However, the officers of Orion are left behind in the time warp to consort with the TNG cast as Chuck Norris rips apart the nexus with his pinkie toes.]
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot.
Commander Spike: Right on, mate!
Picard: Captain Jean Luc Picard, USS Enterprise!
Commander Spike [starting to beatbox]: Captain Jean Luc Picard…USS…Enterprise
[Picard joins in.]
Lietenantioz Aning: Y’all can’t rap! Y’alls white!
Picard: That’s racist!
Litenanmiii Aning: Its ok if I’m racist. I’m not republican.
Tasha Yar (Orion): OMG! There’s someone just like me.
Tasha Yar (Enterprise): WTF. This is weird.
Tasha Yar (Orion): Haha you die after the first season and the fuckin’ kid gets to keep whining about picking up power converters for the next couple seasons.
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot. ENGAGE.
Lieutenant Aning: IN MY PANTS.
[Ent. John Locke]
Locke: We’re going to have to take the boy.
Lieutenant Aning: Aw man, not again.
Picard: WALT!!!!!
Locke: I said, we’re going to have to take the boy.
Picard: WALT!!!
Lieutenant Aning: Damn dad, is that all you say?
Picard: I apparently had a really nice body a couple of years ago. See the writer for details.
[Ent. Bill O’Reilly]
Bill: You have no idea. PS I’m balding LOLZ.
[Chuck Norris, still traveling through time roundhouse kicking the universe, roundhouse kicks Bill O’Reilly so hard in the face that his body pops inside out, and bill eats himself, thus ridding the galaxy of his existence. A faint “pop” sound is heard as Bill’s mass disappears in the undending vortex of his bowels.]
Picard: What?
Ensign Ivawhatever: I have no idea.
Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot. THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS.
[Captain Jarrah takes off a black leather glove and slaps Picard’s cheek with it.]
Captain Jarrah: I challenge you to a duel.
Picard: Who are you, Zell Miller? GO AWAY.
[Ent. Sean Hannity and Alan Colmes]
Sean Hannity: Alan, I told you-you take the baby from the woman’s stomach and I let you eat on Wednesdays. What is so hard to understand about that?!
Alan [ridiculously pitifully]: Ah, but sir-sir-its just that I thought you were against abortion…I mean…most…republicans…let alone mandatory abortion…
Sean Hannity: BEND OVER YOU PANSY.
Captain Jarrah: Wow, what a fag.
Sean Hannity: I AM NOT GAY.
Lieutnenantnana Aning: You’s mean you not happy? But why?
[Audience laughs and slaps knees collectively]
Alan: Uhm…sir? I’m a bit sore today, maybe tomorrow we could-
Hannity: I SAID BEND THE FUCK OVER, YOU NUMB-NUT! If I have to tell you one more time….I’ll… [Obviously desperate for control over Alan, Hannity grabs the nearest phaser and sets it to stun] I’ll concentrate the beam so your penis FALLS THE FUCK OFF, YOU LITTLE TIT!
Alan: Oh no sir I’m sorry!
[Chuck Norris, still traveling through time, passes by and roundhouse kicks Hannity so hard in the nuts that they split off his body, thus creating deadly projectiles. One hits the Orion version of Tasha Yar, effectively creating a large hole through her head. The other passes through the kidney of John Locke.]
Locke: NOOOOO THAT WAS MY LAST ONE!
[Fast forward in time to Int. Mill Mountain]
Alan: So I mean, its hard and all, you know? Sean says that he thinks that the gays should you know, go to hell, but then he ambushes me with these…urges…
Locke: You think that’s bad?! I WANT MY KIDNEYS BACK! THAT’S RIGHT! BOTH OF ‘EM! I could punch you right now if I wanted to.
Alan: I’m used to it…I…
[Locke takes Alan’s hand]
Locke: Shh….
[Ent. Henry Gale]
Henry: WHAT IS THIS?
Locke: AW FUCK. Uhm this is…my Alan---my UNCLE Alan! We were just uh…sitting….
Henry: Aw, John, you want me to meet your family?
John: [Shifty eyes] Uhm, yes, Henry. I feel we’re steady enough in our relationship that-
Henry: OH BOYZ! I’m gonna go get me a wedding dress! [Exits]
John: Whew, thank god that’s over.
Alan: Don’t thank god, senator, and certainly don’t thank me.
John: What are you going to do to me?
Alan: Let’s just say…god works too slowly.
John: OH BABY.
Alan [seriously, taking a letter out from his pocket]: YOU WROTE ME A LETTER!
[Ent. Claire]
Claire: All you had to say was that you didn’t love me and that you didn’t want to see me anymore! [She exits]
John: Well, looks like its time to go…BACK TO THE FUTURE.
[They do.]
[Int. TNG Enterprise (I think it’s enterprise C but I could be wrong. Or D.)]
Worf: I’m a klingon, ARGH!
Locke: WE HUNT BOAR.
Worf: I am here to defend my honor, ARGH!
Locke: We’re not the only people on this island, and we ALL KNOW IT!
Captain Jarrah: My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torturer. YOU WOULD REMEMBER….IF IT WERE TRUE!
Picard: And my name is Captain Jean Luc Picard and I’m an alcoholic.
Lieutenant Aning: My name is Walt Aning and I’m an angel-aholic.
Locke: I molest little boys.
[Ent. Angel]
Lietuananttt Aning: OMGSPLURT [Passes out]
Angel: I would never engage in a sexual relationship with that kid.
[Angel exits]
Picard: I find that vamp strangely attractive. It’s so wrong, yet, so right. [Exits after Angel]
Lieutannntaasz Aning: [Waking up] Lyke where’s Angel, lolz. He’s my hero because he’s sexy and gets the job done.
Commander Data: That’s what she said.
[Audience cracks up.]
Claire: I’m sorry commander, but that’s just not my kind of humor.
Captain Jarrah: Shut up and go get knocked up again.
Ensign Ivawhatever: BOO WHORE.
Lietuentannnnzorz Aning: Excuse me, but I had a few birds to kill with my eyes. Nice seeing all of yalls.
Locke: Wait, Walt! I love you! You complete me! You had me at hello!
Lieutenantz0rz Aning: WTF, U R WEIRD M8.
[Lieantia Aning exits. Chuck Norris, still roundhouse kicking his way through both time and space, shows up and roundhouse kicks Commander Spike so hard in the jaw that his head implodes from the force, thus creating another time warp and landing our cast in Shawsville. They are sitting around the table of a Cracker Barrel]
Lietneneneniii1234 Aning: All I can say is that the name of this place makes me feel kind of out of place. Excuse me. [He exits]
Locke: I’m getting the BOAR.
Picard: [shyly] Do you, ah…do you…want to be my friend?
Locke: OH COURSE NOT YOU PUSSY [He rips off a mask and reveals that he is really…SEAN HANNITY.]
Hannity: It ain’t just the child molesters who like boar. I kill them myself.
Picard: YOU ARE LIVING A LIE! I thought you were my friend, I thought we were close….I thought we had something. Where is the real John Locke?
Captain Jarrah: That’s what she said.
Hannity: BWAHAHAHA! Thwarted again, John Locke! What you really don’t know is…[whips out a gun and shoots John in the kidney] YOU’RE OUT ANOTHER KIDNEY!
[Somehow, Locke’s “third kidney” pops out of his body from the bullet hole and lays on the floor.]
Picard: AWKWARD!
[Locke falls to the ground crying.]
Locke: I just want it back…please come back…[pounds on kidney whole-heartedly, as if administering CPR] Please…come back.
[Ent. Jack Sheppard. Superman theme plays triumphantly.]
Jack: I’ll save your kidney, John! Just don’t walk in on me while I’m showering anymore.
Locke: Aw, man!
Hannity: HAHAHA. Pansy’d.
Locke: How the fuck did I get here? And no, Jack. You liked it.
Jack: Dammit Locke…I…you know what? You don’t deserve a kidney. I’ll just take this kidney and give it to a more deserving citizen like…[He scans the restaurant. Ever character introduced, about 23 people by now are there] Agent Scarn. Agent Scarn, come on down, you’ve won the Jack Sheppard Kidney Giveaway!
Locke: Rats.
[Chuck Norris shows up yet again at the Cracker Barrel, this time roundhouse kicking Agent Scarn so hard in the crotch that it becomes inverted. Then, he follows up the kick in his back and Agent Scarn is given boobs. Agent Scarn will from now on be known as Michaela Scarn, rather than Michael.]
Jack: Uhm…that’s weird. OK the kidney now goes to…Henry Gale!
Henry: I’M FROM MINNESOTA!
Jack: Right. Here you go, then. [Hands Henry the kidney]
Henry: Uhm…I already have two…
Locke: [gasping for life on the floor] I have none! You hear that? NONE!
Henry: Well I’ll give it to ya…for a kiss.
[Ent. Sawyer]
Sawyer: He stole my line!
[Exit Sawyer]
Henry: So whattaya say?
Locke: Why not?
Jack: EWWWWW.
[They kiss, and Chuck Norris timewarps back to the Cracker Barrel, but is shot by the crazy Republicans who eat there. Henry and Locke are getting obscene and a five year old with his father’s shotgun puts an end to those crazy homos.]
Picard: NOOOOO! He was my only friend, god knows I’m too pissy to ever have another!
Crazy Republican: That ain’t natural!
Locke: And what IS natural, sir? Are you natural? Are any of us natural? Is this island even natural?
[Crazy republican tries to shoot him again but Locke just laughs]
Locke: I catch the bullets in my teeth. [He throws a knife and kills Crazy Republican]
Alan: That was…amazing…just…wow…
[Crazy Republican, on his last breath of life, shoots Alan]
Crazy Republican: Shut up, homo.
[Alan dies. Sean laughs.]
Hannity: Yes, now I have no one to oppose me on my show! Not that he ever did in the first place…so I imagine the show will be the same. [Hannity is lost in thought.]
Henry: Let me draw you a map to my balloon.
Jack: That is DISGUSTING.
Locke: That’s what she said.
Picard: Well, it’s about time we head back to the future. Ready to go in my time machine slash hummer?
Locke/Henry/Jack: WTF, HUMMER?!
[Ent. Al Gore]
Gore: That makes me sad.
[Exit Al Gore]
Locke/Henry/Jack: AWWW NO!
[They sneak out of the Cracker Barrel without paying and Picard walks them to his hummer, which has a Bush 2000 sticker on it.]
Locke [offhandedly]: Well DUH.
Henry: Hey look, its all the other people!
Captain Jarrah/Agent Scarn/Ensign Ivawhatever/Lientenant Aning/Angel/Commander Spike/Sawyer: Yeah, we were out gathering sticks.
Alan: [apparently he isn’t quite dead, on his last breath of life] That’s…what…she…said…
Henry: Wow, that was actually mildly entertaining.
[Ecstatic, Alan dies from a heart attack]
[Ent. Samuel L Jackson]
Jackson: It’s about motherfuckin time you brought me into this motherfuckin script. I’m tired of these damn snakes!
Henry: You got any milk?
Jackson: NO, MOTHERFUCKER, I DON’T GOT NO MILK AND THAT’S FUCKED UP THAT YOU BE ASKIN, BRO!
Locke: Cool hair.
Jackson: THANKS.
[Audience’s sides split from laughter.]
[There is an awkward silence as their laughter dies down]
Locke: so…ah…
Jackson: WE GOT SNAKES ON THIS BITCH.
Locke: Excuse me?
Jackson: YOU FUCKIN DEAF? I SAID WE GOTS SOME SNAKES!
Locke: I don’t think…but what if they aren’t, Samuel. What if they aren’t snakes at all.
Jackson: YOU BEST BE CALLIN ME MISTAH JACKSON!
Lietenanant Aning: Are you my dad?
Jackson: HELL NO.
Lieutenant Aning: Just checkin. Cause if you were, Mistah Locke says you gotta polish your daddy’s pole, and I used to think Mistah Locke was my daddy…soo…
[There is an awkward silence.]
Jackson: YO, LITTLE BOY, THAT IS FUCKED UP!
Henry: That’s what she---no, I can’t even do it. That really is fucked up. I can’t believe I ever…[turns to Locke] It is OVER.
Locke: I…you…we…
Jackson: YEAH BITCH. SUCK ON THAT.
Picard: I am so lonely.
[Henry is about to exit]
Locke: Henry-wait! You jump, I jump, remember?
Henry: I’ll never let go John. How could I leave you?
Picard: I AM SO LONELY.
Jackson: MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WON’T BE LONELY WHEN YOU’RE BATTLING DAMN SNAKES ON A FUCKIN PLANE. JOIN ME IN MY EFFORTS, AND YOU’LL NEVER GO HUNGRY AGAIN!
Picard: YAY! Long live the king!
Henry [to Locke]: I think I may be falling in love with you.
Jackson: SUCKS TO BE YOU FUCKER. NOW WHO WANTS TO RIP SOME SNAKES IN HALF?
Picard: YAY! I would-
Jackson: NOT YOU! ANYONE ELSE?
[Several people raise their hands. Jackson shoots them.]
Jackson: THOUGHT SO!
[Exit Jackson]
Picard: MY LOVE!
[Ent Jackson]
Jackson: Oh, I’m so sorry baby I forgot…
Locke: You know what’s better hunting than snake? …BOAR.
Jackson: YO, FUCK YOU DAWG.
Locke: It’s true. Only fucking pansies hunt snake. Us real men, real men with knives…we go for the boar.
Henry: Oh baby!
Jackson: ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’M TIRED OF THIS DAMN LOCKE ON THIS FUCKING SHIP.
[Locke, screaming like a girl, runs and hides.]
Lieutenant Aning: Does that make me the boar?
Jackson: WHAT YOU SAY?
Lieutnenant Aning: Before, when Mistah Locke said that real men with knives go for boar…does that make me the boar?
[Silence. At the same time, everyone on screen gets it and groans in disgust]
Jackson: THAT’S SOME STRAIGHT UP CHILD ABUSING, MOTHERFUCKER..
Commander Spike: Rape is always ok. As long as it’s Ensign Buffy.
Jackson: YO DATS FUCKED UP I’M NOT EVEN GONNA ASK, MOTHERFUCKER.
Commander Spike: More like slayerfucker, mate!
Jackson: WHAT’S THIS MATE SHIT? WHAT IS THIS, A FUCKIN PIRATE SHIP? DID YOU SEE THOSE FUCKED UP SEA PEOPLE IN PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN? YEAH THAT WAS TOUGH SHIT, BITCH! BUT DID THEY HAVE FUCKIN SNAKES? FUCK NO!
Lieuatanitazzz Aning: So am I like Locke’s mother, since you keep talking about mother fuckers?
Jackson: YO, I’M TIRED OF HEARING THESE FUCKED UP LINES THAT SUGGEST YOU AND LOCKE ARE LIKE A DAMN PAIR OF BUNNIES. I KILL FUCKIN SNAKES! I BATTLE EVIL!
Lietaanziououaio Aning: And you were fuckin killed by Emperor Palpatine, you dumb twit.
Jackson: HE WASN’T THE FUCKING EMPEROR YET, DOUCHE! HE WAS CHANCELLOR, HE DOESN’T BECOME EMPEROR TILL LATER!
Liatajsfdanz Aning: BULLSHIT! Before Windu was killed, they voted in the senate, remember? The whole ‘democracy is dying’ shit from Padme?
Jackson: FUCK YOU LITTLE KID. YOU WATCH TOO MANY DAMN MOVIES.
[Ent. Angel. Apparently, he’s exited sometime during the last few pages]
Angel: Don’t forget TV!
[Exit Angel]
Picard: So lonely right now…[He takes his hands out and begins to make them into puppets where he acts out him and Jackson talking]
Jackson [real]: IF YOU DON’T STOP WITH THIS PUPPET SHIT, I’LL POP A SNAKE IN YO FACE!
Picard [as Jackson]: I love you, Jean Luc Picard, USS Enterprise. You are like my own little boa constrictor.
[Another silence from all on screen and another collective moan]
Henry: [clinging to a box of cheerios] So uncomfortable right now!
Picard [warming up to Henry]: You know if things ever get lonely with you and Locke…a third person often enhances sexual experi-
Henry: I AM GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. A world full of NO.
[Picard looks glum and pouts.]
Henry: That’s so messed up. Go play with your puppets.
[Ent. Angel]
Angel: I was once a puppet.
Picard: Yeah and that episode sucked, as did your whole SERIES. Except for season five, because it has Spike and he’s a fox.
Commander Spike: Wossat, eh?
Picard [blushing]: NOTHING!
Angel: He’s a poser. I’m the original vampire…with SOUL!
Jackson: FUCK YEAH I LOVE DAT SOUL.
Angel: I’m a bad father.
[Exit Angel]
[Ent. Claire]
Claire: And I’m a bad mother. [She bursts into tears. Everybody looks at Locke, expecting him to comfort her]
Locke: [wrapping a leg around Henry] Hell, do I look like I swing that way anymore?
Jackson: NOT UNLESS I AM AFRAID OF SOME SNAKES ON A FUCKING PLANE WHICH LET ME RE-A-FUCKING-SURE YOU I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT. [lunging wildly toward Lituentnent Aning] DO YOU THINK I AM?
Lietuentnent Aning: No sir, I don’t! I really don’t! This is scarier than that time that the popo came to Mistah Lockes ranch-I mean house!
Jackson: FUCK THE POLICE! THEYS ALL IN COHORTS WITH THEM SNAKES.
[Ent. Ana-Lucia]
Ana-Lucia: FUCK YOU, JACKSON! Our mission is to bring those fuckers down, we’re on your side so don’t be fuckin knockin on us. That’s the NEW YORK police dept, sucker!
Jackson: AND YOU ARE?
Ana-Lucia: FUCKIN L.A.!
Jackson: DON’T FUCKIN PULL ME OVER ANYMORE JUST CAUSE I ‘LOOK SUSPICIOUS’ THEN. ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE SUSPICIOUS IS A FUCKIN SNAKE.
Ana-Lucia: FUCK YOU.
[Exit Ana-Lucia.]
Henry: What is all this talk of snakes, anyways? I saw a few snakes back on the island, but-
Jackson: YOU GOT FUCKIN SNAKES? DAMN, THE WHOLE WORLD’S BEEN LOW ON ‘EM EVER SINCE I STARTED MY CRUSADE! SHIT, I GOT A WHOLE NEW SOURCE! LET’S GO, FUCKERS!
[The cast voyages to the Lost island to battle snakes. Most of the cast really has no idea what the fuck is going on, but Jackson has trained them that whenever they hear the word ‘snake’, they must all shout ‘FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!’ Needless to say, this makes even an act as mundane as small talk pretty hard to follow.]
Jack: So…what’s the plan, chief?
Jackson: WHEN WE GET ON THE FUCKIN SNAKE-
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --FILLED ISLAND, WE’RE GONNA FIRST UNLEASH A DEADLY TOXIN THAT WILL SLOW THE SNAKE’S-
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --Senses so we can have a decent advantage.
Locke: Isn’t that cheating?
Jack: Listen, Samuel-
Jackson: MISTAH JACKSON TO YOU, WHITEY!
Jack: Right, well-
Locke: Excuse me Jack, but I believe that I had a question.
[Silence. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife]
Jackson: DAMN, I’M-A HAVE TO CUT THIS SEXUAL TENSION WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE!
Jack: I know you had a question Locke, but nobody really likes you and you have no friends. Oh, and no kidneys. Anyway, Mistah Jackson, I was wondering, how long do you think it would take to build an army?
Jackson: WHAT DA FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? THE CAVE TOWN COMMIE SHAREFEST THAT JUST HAPPENS TO BE LEAVIN SNAKE
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: --CORPSES ALONG THE WAY? THIS IS YO FUCKIN ARMY MISTER JACK SHEPPARD, SO I SUGGEST YOU BEND OVER.
Jack: Wait, why would I-
Jackson: A SNAKE FIGHTER HAS NEEDS MOTHER FUCKER. AND SINCE THAT ALAN IS GONE…WELL, YOU THE MOST PANSIEST GUY I GOT.
Locke: You know, if you wanted Mistah Jackson, I could take over and-
Jackson: -SNAKE!
Locke: What?
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Jackson: DIE, MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Jumps off boat (they’re in a boat, you see, cause they haven’t yet reached the island) and wrestles a watersnake.]
Henry: MISTAH JACKSON, NO! That’s a fuckin SQUID!
Entire cast: FUCK NO, I’M-A KILL THAT….fuckin….oh….
Locke: I can’t take this tension! It’s too much! [Locke runs crying into the captain’s quarters.]
Jack: SHUT UP, LOCKE! Oh, he wasn’t being a douche…
Locke: [to self] I thought I was caught between Henry and Picard…but Jack’s just so damn HANDSOME.
Jack: Locke-
Locke: Call me John.
Jack: Right, John…you look real tense. [Massaging shoulders] Things aren’t so bad…
Locke: OH DEAR! I DON’T WANT TO HURT HENRY, BUT THIS IS JUST SO RIGHT….yet so WRONG! [Pushes Jack off] NO JACK! I am strangely attracted to you, but I can’t betray my love.
Jack: SHUT UP, LOCKE!
[Locke’s lip starts to quiver. Slowly, he begins whimpering. Jack starts to put his arm around him but Locke recoils]
Locke: I hate you…I hate you…Why do you do this to me?
[Jack and Locke both begin to sob. Henry comes out and starts sobbing too]
Henry: Its no fun being tortured!
Jackson: WHOA YALL. SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A SECOND. YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? YOU KNOW WHY I THINK WE ALL HURT EACH OTHER SO BAD EVEN WHEN WE DON’T MEAN TO?
Locke: [full of emotion] WHY?! WHY DO WE DO IT?!
Jackson: BECAUSE SOMETIMES ITS EASIER TO HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE THAN TO TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.
Jack: [wiping his eyes] That’s…that’s beautiful.
Jackson: MOTHERFUCK IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
Locke: I know I should listen to my heart…but I don’t know what that means. Do I love everyone, since I end up hurting everyone?
Jackson: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING ALL THE ACTION ANYWAYS, MR. CLEAN? I’M A FUCKIN SNAKE
Entire cast: YO, FUCK THAT! I’M-A FUCKIN KILL THAT SNAKE!
Jackson: --HUNTER, BUT I GET NONE? WHAT THE FUCKIN’ FUCK?????
Locke: I’m hesitant!!!!!!!!!!!
Henry: I hope nobody cool or famous is staring at me.
[Ent. Chuck Norris]
Chuck Norris: I am-I-[At a loss for words, he karate chops the boat open] Fuck.
[Exit Chuck Norris]
Henry: Oh I am so embarrassed!
Sawyer: Yeah well you should be embarrassed Mr…looks like…ass.
Locke: Lost your touch, eh?
Jack: No, he hasn’t.
[Obnoxiously, the audience Ooooh’s in a ‘oh no he didn’t’ fashion]
Jack: Oh yeah, yeah, I went there. Yeah, I did.
Sawyer: [quietly] I am so ashamed. [He leaves]
Jack [distraught]: I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE, JOHN! IT’S EITHER HENRY OR ME, I’M SICK OF YOUR MIND GAMES.
Locke: Oh no! But I love you both so…Jack’s a sexy doctor but Henry has the whole pity factor. He’s like a little lost puppy whereas Jack’s like…a really arrogant version of Jesus. Except Jesus could save people. Jack’s saved like, what, one person?
[Jack hangs his head in shame.]
Locke: I’m sorry Jack, that’s not what I need at this phase in my life. I choose…bachelor number GALE!
Henry: OH BOYZ!
Picard: Fine, Jack gave an ultimatum, and now I give you one, Jackson. It’s either the snakes
Entire cast: YO FUCK THAT, I’M-A KILL THAT FUCKIN SNAKE!
Picard: --or me!
Jackson: [Surveying Picard carefully] YO FUCK THIS SHIT. [He claps his hands, summoning Chuck Norris. Chuck roundhouse kicks Picard so hard that it alters the very fabric of his molecules, transforming Picard into a talking (yet fully functional) boa constrictor.]
Picard: OH YAY WE’RE ALL HAPPY!
[The entire cast pairs off, so that they all are in couples. Music swells and credits being to roll-until--]
[Enter Hurley]
Hurley: Hey ladies, its Hurley time.
[Awkward silence. Audience starts to laugh. Hurley starts to cry until--]
[Alan rises up from the dead and jumps into Hurley’s arms]
Hurley: I’ll protect you, Alan.
Alan: Oh Boy! And I bet you’ll even let me eat!
Entire cast: THAT WHAT SHE SAID!
[Samuel L Jackson throws snakes at the screen which become the credits]