ramdomness
it is now 11:53pm. i have no doubt that will be even later when i finish this update. i am bored. this is the last day of summer break and i spent it stressing and doing absolutely nothing about it. funny how that always happens. i don't know why, but sometimes i'm overwhelmed by this utter laziness that just paralyses my ability to do anything. i barely had energy enough to eat...
anyway, instead of studying like hell for my accounting midterm, i ended up watching gray's anatomy. again. it was good though but i did neither my brain or my eyes a favor in doing so. now i am even more nervous. guess what my first class is tomorrow. not anatomy (i don't even have that class) but accounting. i'm kinda looking forward to it though, a sign of me being recovered somewhat from the stress of school and as i speak these words now, i know very well i will be eating them by the end of the next month. i don't even get to celebrate my b-day properly. and it's gonna be my 21. and it's on mother's day. it may seem petty but i dont' wanna share my b-day with my mom. it's supposed to be all about me you know... and now i'm gonna feel all guilty cause i know very well i won't have time to do anything for my mom for mother's day. i might not even make it home cause that's the weekend before finals start. oh whoopee me. maybe i'll order flowers to be sent to her office. think she'll like that? knowing her she'll just harumph at me and tell me i'm wasting money. and if i do nothing, she'll accuse me of not thinking about her. why cant' she understand that she is the one person i think about more than anyone else? more than my father? more than my boyfriend? okay so the last one is imaginary. still. that should strengthen my argument, not weaken it right? i'm so tired i don't even know what i'm talking about. now that i think of tomorrow... never mind. i dread it. i have a group project. i just barely got my group together. we've yet to have done jack squat. i NEED a good grade in that class, damnit. and i know i should get it cause i got a 93 on my midterm. my last midterm. apparently we have to have at least 2. god, i hate college. isn't midterm supposed to be singular and in the middle of the semester? can't they just call it tests? and now i gripe. in case someone hasn't noticed it by now, this is a totally random post. i'm not even bothering with paragraphs anymore. i'm out looking for a job for the summer. in april. in temp agencies. for midjune. most places are laughing in my face. this timing thing sucks. and my mom is adament that i get all my plans ready before i go to china. i have 2 midterms comming up in addition to 3 finals and a paper. she thinks i need this now. i understand the summer school. sort of. but the job thing... no one thinks that far. who knows when some job opening will come along? all i can do is put my name in. i mean, it's just too early. i don't wanna sit at home all day either. she doesn't get the fact that i don't like that either. okay so she does. she doesn't realize that i realize that i dont' wanna sit at home all day. which is even more complicated. she's pushing me towards soemthing i already want. which makes me instinctively push back. and i can't help it. and she doens't get it. and i don't wanna talk about it with her cause she still has that old outlook about elders as in you don't argue with them. how do i get my relationship with her into a more normal level? i'm at my whit's end. i almost got in my car and just started driving in a random direction more than once this past week. the only reason i don't is because they are my only family here in the us. okay so not the only but it might as well be. i've been isolated from my family in la. wonder how long this isolation will hold me. i know i'm bound to explode some day. it is not gonna be pretty.
okay so this random rant has done some good for me. i guess. i figured out some stuff. that doesn't help me fix them. but at least now i know they exist. i better get to bed. my first class is at 9:40, which is early for me. if i don't go to bed, i'm gonna be a zombie, which is bad cause i have to talk to my professor after class too. then archery. in the mud. but better than no archery. and i brought shoes this time too. my other pair of tennis shoes are still covered in dried mud. i relaly should have brought them home to get cleaned... well, woulda coulda shoulda but didn't. story of my life.
-Dorian
anyway, instead of studying like hell for my accounting midterm, i ended up watching gray's anatomy. again. it was good though but i did neither my brain or my eyes a favor in doing so. now i am even more nervous. guess what my first class is tomorrow. not anatomy (i don't even have that class) but accounting. i'm kinda looking forward to it though, a sign of me being recovered somewhat from the stress of school and as i speak these words now, i know very well i will be eating them by the end of the next month. i don't even get to celebrate my b-day properly. and it's gonna be my 21. and it's on mother's day. it may seem petty but i dont' wanna share my b-day with my mom. it's supposed to be all about me you know... and now i'm gonna feel all guilty cause i know very well i won't have time to do anything for my mom for mother's day. i might not even make it home cause that's the weekend before finals start. oh whoopee me. maybe i'll order flowers to be sent to her office. think she'll like that? knowing her she'll just harumph at me and tell me i'm wasting money. and if i do nothing, she'll accuse me of not thinking about her. why cant' she understand that she is the one person i think about more than anyone else? more than my father? more than my boyfriend? okay so the last one is imaginary. still. that should strengthen my argument, not weaken it right? i'm so tired i don't even know what i'm talking about. now that i think of tomorrow... never mind. i dread it. i have a group project. i just barely got my group together. we've yet to have done jack squat. i NEED a good grade in that class, damnit. and i know i should get it cause i got a 93 on my midterm. my last midterm. apparently we have to have at least 2. god, i hate college. isn't midterm supposed to be singular and in the middle of the semester? can't they just call it tests? and now i gripe. in case someone hasn't noticed it by now, this is a totally random post. i'm not even bothering with paragraphs anymore. i'm out looking for a job for the summer. in april. in temp agencies. for midjune. most places are laughing in my face. this timing thing sucks. and my mom is adament that i get all my plans ready before i go to china. i have 2 midterms comming up in addition to 3 finals and a paper. she thinks i need this now. i understand the summer school. sort of. but the job thing... no one thinks that far. who knows when some job opening will come along? all i can do is put my name in. i mean, it's just too early. i don't wanna sit at home all day either. she doesn't get the fact that i don't like that either. okay so she does. she doesn't realize that i realize that i dont' wanna sit at home all day. which is even more complicated. she's pushing me towards soemthing i already want. which makes me instinctively push back. and i can't help it. and she doens't get it. and i don't wanna talk about it with her cause she still has that old outlook about elders as in you don't argue with them. how do i get my relationship with her into a more normal level? i'm at my whit's end. i almost got in my car and just started driving in a random direction more than once this past week. the only reason i don't is because they are my only family here in the us. okay so not the only but it might as well be. i've been isolated from my family in la. wonder how long this isolation will hold me. i know i'm bound to explode some day. it is not gonna be pretty.
okay so this random rant has done some good for me. i guess. i figured out some stuff. that doesn't help me fix them. but at least now i know they exist. i better get to bed. my first class is at 9:40, which is early for me. if i don't go to bed, i'm gonna be a zombie, which is bad cause i have to talk to my professor after class too. then archery. in the mud. but better than no archery. and i brought shoes this time too. my other pair of tennis shoes are still covered in dried mud. i relaly should have brought them home to get cleaned... well, woulda coulda shoulda but didn't. story of my life.
-Dorian