Fonder Have I Grown (1/10)
Media: Fanfic
Title: Fonder Have I Grown (1/10)
Rating: PG
Pairings: Klaine
Other Characters: Mentions of New Directions and the Warblers
Spoilers: Up to s2e18
Warnings: Fluff, angst
Word Count: 1,630 approx
Summary: Companion piece to "Absence and the Heart", this follows the first 10 days of their separation, from Kurt's perspective. Runs somewhat concurrently with Absence - Chapter 1
Wednesday
This was supposed to be easy. Happy and fuss-free and easy. I’ve transferred back to where I belong, and now that they seem to be doing something about the bullying, it was going to be easy. It should have been easy to say goodbye, it should have been easy to think of it as just a phase in my life. It should have been easy, period.
So why is it not? Why am I standing here trying not to cry while watching Blaine’s heart break into a thousand little pieces.
Oh, he’s trying to hide it behind the dapper Dalton boy and the singing, but I know him. He’s breaking. I’m a little surprised he hasn’t already shattered.
I’m surprised I haven’t.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Dalton was supposed to be temporary, just a temporary place to go and recover and heal. The Warblers were supposed to be just a past time, an incomparable substitute for New Directions. They were just boys, just classmates. I told myself I wasn’t going to get close to any of them (well, except Blaine).
So when did they become friends? When did they become good friends? When did become so hard to say goodbye to these boys?
I feel that tear running down my face as each of them comes up to me to say goodbye. I see their smiles - sad but resigned - as they let me go. It hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does. I’m going to miss them. They’ve been good to me, and while we might have had a shaky start, eventually they accepted me - without judgement - as one of their own. They gave me my first competition solo (something New Directions has never done), and I swear to Prada they were all rooting for me and Blaine to get together.
Speaking of Blaine… here he is in front of me. I’m not sure if the tears are his or a reflection of mine. I don’t care. When I hug him, I feel him cling to me. I feel his breath on my neck and I know that despite his brave words on the stairs minutes ago, this separation is going to be hard, on both of us.
“I’m never saying goodbye to you.” He has to know this. He has to know that this is not a goodbye. I’m not leaving him. Not ever.
And then he’s gone, just like that. When I look up from the crush of New Directions, he’s not there anymore. None of them are, and it feels like I’ve just woken from a dream; and even though I AM happy to be back I feel this little emptiness inside, like I’m still not complete. I’m selfish, I know. I wish I could have both worlds.
School passes by much faster than I thought it would. Classes are a breeze, especially after being at Dalton. I spend most of them trying to help the other New Directions kids. I might actually miss Dalton’s intense workload. I’m not afraid to walk down the hallways now. They can’t touch me. Not because of the Bully Whips, but because I’m stronger than they’ll ever be and anything they try to do to me is just going to fail spectacularly. I think it’s something else Dalton helped me rediscover. All those boys, they’re so confident, especially the Warblers.
I won’t lie. It felt good to be a rockstar.
Which is probably why my first song back in glee club goes over so well. I AM a rockstar.
Blaine texts me as I’m raiding my closet for something to wear to the New Directions reunion dinner at Breadstix later tonight. My heart aches when I read that he misses me, and just at that moment my Dalton blazer falls off its hanger. I can’t tell him I miss him back, because if I do, I’m going start crying and then I’ll never leave the house and then everyone will start worrying again.
Everyone’s worried enough.
I manage to put together something moderately decent, tell Blaine I’ll call him at 9, and then I’m in my car again, driving to Breadstix…
I’m running on adrenaline by the time we finally leave. We’ve swapped so many stories - them about Mr. Schue and McKinley, me about Dalton and the Warblers - that I think my brain’s going to explode. My eyelids are only just staying up, and if I stay out any longer, I know I’ll fall asleep at the wheel. It’s only then I realize that it’s past 9 o’ clock.
“Blaine’s going to kill me,” I say softly. I wonder if I should call now, even though it’s pretty late and he might be asleep.
There’s a hand on my shoulder that can only be Rachel’s. “It’s been a long day for you. I know he’ll understand. Besides, he doesn’t seem like the type to hold grudges for something like a missed phone call. Just explain in the morning.”
“I just want to make sure he’s okay.”
“Kurt, trust me. What if he’s already asleep and you wake him up and he gets all grumpy at you for disturbing his beauty rest. Speaking of which, you could use some.”
“You realize how ironic this statement is coming from you, right Ms. Nosejob?” Why had I agreed to help with this again? But perhaps she has a point. It’s been a long, emotional day for Blaine, too, and he needs his rest. So I get into my car. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I just really wanted to hear Blaine’s voice again.
=====
Thursday
I send him a text first thing in the morning.
I’m honestly surprised he’s up this early seeing as how he doesn’t need to go buy me coffee anymore. It hits me like a punch to the gut, realizing I won’t be having coffee with Blaine every morning before we go to class. Since when had that become a part of daily life? When had it become so important that it felt so strange not having it anymore?
Goddammit, I want to meet him after school so badly, but I’ve already promised Puckerman that I’d help with Rachel’s intervention, and we’ve worked so hard on it. Besides, I know the Warblers have practice in the afternoon, and there’s no way Wes would just cancel. Hopefully that’ll be enough to distract Blaine.
Again he tells me he misses me, and I want to cry. I miss him so much… but I can’t say it back. He’ll just worry more. He shouldn’t be pining over me. I’m not going to distract him. I know how hard Dalton classes are and he needs to pay attention, not stare at his phone all day… and I need to get a move on or I’ll be late for school.
So I really shouldn’t be staring at that Dalton blazer. I run my fingers over the rich fabric. It feels strange not to put it on anymore. It’s like… this is so silly… but it feels like this uniform has been my cocoon, keeping me safe and letting me heal and change into this beautiful, strong butterfly ready to spread my wings and fly.
Oh, my god, did I really just think that? Blaine’s rubbing off on me.
I’ll always love that cocoon.
“Kurt! Come have your breakfast or you’re gonna be late!” my dad shouts.
I drop the sleeve I’ve been holding in my hand all this time and quickly get ready. I barely remember my phone as I rush downstairs…
I keep staring at it all day, wondering what Blaine’s doing, if he’s alright, if he’s doing the same though I don’t want him to. He’s in Science class right now - why no, I don’t have his entire schedule memorized, not at all - and I hope he’s paying attention. The professor likes to throw out random weekend projects and Science has never been his strong point.
“Hummel, are you still with us?”
“Vectors and navigation, with you all the way Mr. Emery,” I say.
Math has never been mine. I spend the rest of the class plotting vectors between Lima and Westerville. Hey, at least I’m using practical locations instead of point A and B, and maybe I can devise a faster route between here and there. Also, they would have used ‘Mr. Hummel’ at Dalton….
I catch myself wondering what the Warblers might be singing right now. Yes, I admit that doo-wapping behind Blaine at times annoyed me, but I will also admit that I loved the challenge of taking a song and stripping it down, where all we had were our voices to give it a new life. Those boys were amazing when it came to harmonies. Thad - fanboy that he is - is particularly good. It’s like he just knows what works. Put him together with Blaine… why didn’t we win at Regionals again?
I said ‘we’ didn’t I? I guess the Warblers will always be a part of me in a way. I don’t think I could ever let them go completely.
“You’re day-dreaming again,” Quinn says. “Blaine?”
“All of them actually,” I say. “It’s their practice time.”
“Call them.” She makes it sound so simple. “They seem like nice guys, and they sound amazing.”
“They are… but I can’t call now. Wes hates it when phones ring in the middle of a session. I wouldn’t be doing Blaine any favors.”
Quinn just looks at me as if she wants to say, ‘since when did you care about rules?’, but she turns away to talk to Finn about prom. I’d agree with her, but I don’t think I’m ready. I still miss them all too much.
Thank goodness I have that flash mob later. I need a distraction…
=====
Feedback is loved and appreciated :)
I'm working on Chapter 5 of Absence, meanwhile, don't worry. I haven't forgotten Blaine.
Title: Fonder Have I Grown (1/10)
Rating: PG
Pairings: Klaine
Other Characters: Mentions of New Directions and the Warblers
Spoilers: Up to s2e18
Warnings: Fluff, angst
Word Count: 1,630 approx
Summary: Companion piece to "Absence and the Heart", this follows the first 10 days of their separation, from Kurt's perspective. Runs somewhat concurrently with Absence - Chapter 1
Wednesday
This was supposed to be easy. Happy and fuss-free and easy. I’ve transferred back to where I belong, and now that they seem to be doing something about the bullying, it was going to be easy. It should have been easy to say goodbye, it should have been easy to think of it as just a phase in my life. It should have been easy, period.
So why is it not? Why am I standing here trying not to cry while watching Blaine’s heart break into a thousand little pieces.
Oh, he’s trying to hide it behind the dapper Dalton boy and the singing, but I know him. He’s breaking. I’m a little surprised he hasn’t already shattered.
I’m surprised I haven’t.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Dalton was supposed to be temporary, just a temporary place to go and recover and heal. The Warblers were supposed to be just a past time, an incomparable substitute for New Directions. They were just boys, just classmates. I told myself I wasn’t going to get close to any of them (well, except Blaine).
So when did they become friends? When did they become good friends? When did become so hard to say goodbye to these boys?
I feel that tear running down my face as each of them comes up to me to say goodbye. I see their smiles - sad but resigned - as they let me go. It hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does. I’m going to miss them. They’ve been good to me, and while we might have had a shaky start, eventually they accepted me - without judgement - as one of their own. They gave me my first competition solo (something New Directions has never done), and I swear to Prada they were all rooting for me and Blaine to get together.
Speaking of Blaine… here he is in front of me. I’m not sure if the tears are his or a reflection of mine. I don’t care. When I hug him, I feel him cling to me. I feel his breath on my neck and I know that despite his brave words on the stairs minutes ago, this separation is going to be hard, on both of us.
“I’m never saying goodbye to you.” He has to know this. He has to know that this is not a goodbye. I’m not leaving him. Not ever.
And then he’s gone, just like that. When I look up from the crush of New Directions, he’s not there anymore. None of them are, and it feels like I’ve just woken from a dream; and even though I AM happy to be back I feel this little emptiness inside, like I’m still not complete. I’m selfish, I know. I wish I could have both worlds.
School passes by much faster than I thought it would. Classes are a breeze, especially after being at Dalton. I spend most of them trying to help the other New Directions kids. I might actually miss Dalton’s intense workload. I’m not afraid to walk down the hallways now. They can’t touch me. Not because of the Bully Whips, but because I’m stronger than they’ll ever be and anything they try to do to me is just going to fail spectacularly. I think it’s something else Dalton helped me rediscover. All those boys, they’re so confident, especially the Warblers.
I won’t lie. It felt good to be a rockstar.
Which is probably why my first song back in glee club goes over so well. I AM a rockstar.
Blaine texts me as I’m raiding my closet for something to wear to the New Directions reunion dinner at Breadstix later tonight. My heart aches when I read that he misses me, and just at that moment my Dalton blazer falls off its hanger. I can’t tell him I miss him back, because if I do, I’m going start crying and then I’ll never leave the house and then everyone will start worrying again.
Everyone’s worried enough.
I manage to put together something moderately decent, tell Blaine I’ll call him at 9, and then I’m in my car again, driving to Breadstix…
I’m running on adrenaline by the time we finally leave. We’ve swapped so many stories - them about Mr. Schue and McKinley, me about Dalton and the Warblers - that I think my brain’s going to explode. My eyelids are only just staying up, and if I stay out any longer, I know I’ll fall asleep at the wheel. It’s only then I realize that it’s past 9 o’ clock.
“Blaine’s going to kill me,” I say softly. I wonder if I should call now, even though it’s pretty late and he might be asleep.
There’s a hand on my shoulder that can only be Rachel’s. “It’s been a long day for you. I know he’ll understand. Besides, he doesn’t seem like the type to hold grudges for something like a missed phone call. Just explain in the morning.”
“I just want to make sure he’s okay.”
“Kurt, trust me. What if he’s already asleep and you wake him up and he gets all grumpy at you for disturbing his beauty rest. Speaking of which, you could use some.”
“You realize how ironic this statement is coming from you, right Ms. Nosejob?” Why had I agreed to help with this again? But perhaps she has a point. It’s been a long, emotional day for Blaine, too, and he needs his rest. So I get into my car. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I just really wanted to hear Blaine’s voice again.
=====
Thursday
I send him a text first thing in the morning.
I’m honestly surprised he’s up this early seeing as how he doesn’t need to go buy me coffee anymore. It hits me like a punch to the gut, realizing I won’t be having coffee with Blaine every morning before we go to class. Since when had that become a part of daily life? When had it become so important that it felt so strange not having it anymore?
Goddammit, I want to meet him after school so badly, but I’ve already promised Puckerman that I’d help with Rachel’s intervention, and we’ve worked so hard on it. Besides, I know the Warblers have practice in the afternoon, and there’s no way Wes would just cancel. Hopefully that’ll be enough to distract Blaine.
Again he tells me he misses me, and I want to cry. I miss him so much… but I can’t say it back. He’ll just worry more. He shouldn’t be pining over me. I’m not going to distract him. I know how hard Dalton classes are and he needs to pay attention, not stare at his phone all day… and I need to get a move on or I’ll be late for school.
So I really shouldn’t be staring at that Dalton blazer. I run my fingers over the rich fabric. It feels strange not to put it on anymore. It’s like… this is so silly… but it feels like this uniform has been my cocoon, keeping me safe and letting me heal and change into this beautiful, strong butterfly ready to spread my wings and fly.
Oh, my god, did I really just think that? Blaine’s rubbing off on me.
I’ll always love that cocoon.
“Kurt! Come have your breakfast or you’re gonna be late!” my dad shouts.
I drop the sleeve I’ve been holding in my hand all this time and quickly get ready. I barely remember my phone as I rush downstairs…
I keep staring at it all day, wondering what Blaine’s doing, if he’s alright, if he’s doing the same though I don’t want him to. He’s in Science class right now - why no, I don’t have his entire schedule memorized, not at all - and I hope he’s paying attention. The professor likes to throw out random weekend projects and Science has never been his strong point.
“Hummel, are you still with us?”
“Vectors and navigation, with you all the way Mr. Emery,” I say.
Math has never been mine. I spend the rest of the class plotting vectors between Lima and Westerville. Hey, at least I’m using practical locations instead of point A and B, and maybe I can devise a faster route between here and there. Also, they would have used ‘Mr. Hummel’ at Dalton….
I catch myself wondering what the Warblers might be singing right now. Yes, I admit that doo-wapping behind Blaine at times annoyed me, but I will also admit that I loved the challenge of taking a song and stripping it down, where all we had were our voices to give it a new life. Those boys were amazing when it came to harmonies. Thad - fanboy that he is - is particularly good. It’s like he just knows what works. Put him together with Blaine… why didn’t we win at Regionals again?
I said ‘we’ didn’t I? I guess the Warblers will always be a part of me in a way. I don’t think I could ever let them go completely.
“You’re day-dreaming again,” Quinn says. “Blaine?”
“All of them actually,” I say. “It’s their practice time.”
“Call them.” She makes it sound so simple. “They seem like nice guys, and they sound amazing.”
“They are… but I can’t call now. Wes hates it when phones ring in the middle of a session. I wouldn’t be doing Blaine any favors.”
Quinn just looks at me as if she wants to say, ‘since when did you care about rules?’, but she turns away to talk to Finn about prom. I’d agree with her, but I don’t think I’m ready. I still miss them all too much.
Thank goodness I have that flash mob later. I need a distraction…
=====
Feedback is loved and appreciated :)
I'm working on Chapter 5 of Absence, meanwhile, don't worry. I haven't forgotten Blaine.