hello. limit: 300

[papr_thin]

i was just reading all my old entries and i was so disappointed. if my mom ever found it or a friend they probably wouldn't even be worried. i don't want them to be . . . but there's a part of me that wants to be found out and worried about and taken seriously but if they flound it they would laugh. i know im not supposed to wanna get found and ut in inpatient but there's just a sense of failure that goes with it. its hard to explain. like, i don't WANT people to find out but if they DID id want them to be worried and scared . . . and if they did find out id want them to offer me help cause i would take it in a second. i hate doing this. i hate counting cals, i hate worrying with every bite i take, i hate not just being able to eat icecream in the summer and cake at a birthday and and hangin out at restaurants with friends and just . . . being a teenager. i hate being judged by people and mirrors and i hate being scared of a scale or being scared of myself and what i might do if im not perfectly skinny. so if someone found out . . . id be able to ask for help because they knw n e ways. ive debated constintly about asking mia or mom or jacquie or sharon for help but everytime i think im gonna do it i chicken out because im afraid they wouldn't understand and they'll pass it off as a phase or something. and if they read this journal they wouldn't be concerned at all.
im sorry, i didn't mean to make this depressing, i just hate myself right now. i was crying again today everytime i looked in the mirror and i hate that. im fat and i hate that too. i hate fat even more.
so i guess i just continue on the quest for perfection.
autumn