an update
so it's been almost a month since i wrote in here. i've been busy. dealing with roomate shit (STILL). hopefully this time we have all worked it out. i got a promotion at work, to department head of decor. woo-hoo. it comes with a raise(not sure how much yet)and better hours. i had a cyst removed from my uterus...oh, so much fun....ok, now for the emotional stuff.
i saw nick over break, we hung out a couple of times. and each time i drove away after dropping him off, i burst into tears. and it's not because i am still in love with him. it's because i just miss him. i miss his hugs, his laugh, his smile. he's such an incredible person and it hurts me to not be able to be around him more often. last time he went back to north carolina, it was easier. mostly because i knew exactly when i would see him again. but now, it's unclear. sometimes i wonder if i will ever be free from the rollercoaster of emotions surrounding nick. things were good with him once, but he did really hurt me. so i should just be able to write him off, but i can't. does that make me weak? i'm not sure. it's not like i can't live without him, i no longer depend on him...but why do i still let him have so much control over me. why is it that i just can't come to terms with what happened. if all was right with the world and emotions were logical, i would have erased him from my life a long time ago. but unfortunately things are so much more complex than that.
joe. jesus, joe. i love him endlessly. i crave him, i crave his hugs, kisses, his love. things seem to be going well. i think we grow closer everyday. he shares new experiences with me, he grows with me. he loves me so much. and sure, sometimes he isn't the best at communicating it..and others butt in and have their own opinions. but honestly, he makes me happy. he cares for me, goes out of his way for me. i've never been loved like this before. he even gets along with my dad. (my dad loves him, that's unusual) it's hard not to want to rush into bigger things with him. i would jump at the idea of marrying him and he wants it too. but we have to realize we have a lot more that needs to be taken care of first. we want to be even more finacially secure than we are now. and this summer we have to get a place on our own. i have to really know what it's like to live with just him. i had that for a while, but we really need to experience it. there are so many things that i want with joe. i really hope we get to have them together. i really want him to be the one....there's no question.
i'm thinking about writing a letter to my mother. about everything. i want to be honest with her, woman to woman. i want her to know why i gave up with nick, i want her to know all of the shit i have been through. i want to have the kind of relationship with my mom where she helps me through everything, where she relates to me, because i know that she can on some of these things. wish me luck...it's going to be hard. and i'm nervous. i know she will still love me, hopefully even more.
ok, enough for today.
i saw nick over break, we hung out a couple of times. and each time i drove away after dropping him off, i burst into tears. and it's not because i am still in love with him. it's because i just miss him. i miss his hugs, his laugh, his smile. he's such an incredible person and it hurts me to not be able to be around him more often. last time he went back to north carolina, it was easier. mostly because i knew exactly when i would see him again. but now, it's unclear. sometimes i wonder if i will ever be free from the rollercoaster of emotions surrounding nick. things were good with him once, but he did really hurt me. so i should just be able to write him off, but i can't. does that make me weak? i'm not sure. it's not like i can't live without him, i no longer depend on him...but why do i still let him have so much control over me. why is it that i just can't come to terms with what happened. if all was right with the world and emotions were logical, i would have erased him from my life a long time ago. but unfortunately things are so much more complex than that.
joe. jesus, joe. i love him endlessly. i crave him, i crave his hugs, kisses, his love. things seem to be going well. i think we grow closer everyday. he shares new experiences with me, he grows with me. he loves me so much. and sure, sometimes he isn't the best at communicating it..and others butt in and have their own opinions. but honestly, he makes me happy. he cares for me, goes out of his way for me. i've never been loved like this before. he even gets along with my dad. (my dad loves him, that's unusual) it's hard not to want to rush into bigger things with him. i would jump at the idea of marrying him and he wants it too. but we have to realize we have a lot more that needs to be taken care of first. we want to be even more finacially secure than we are now. and this summer we have to get a place on our own. i have to really know what it's like to live with just him. i had that for a while, but we really need to experience it. there are so many things that i want with joe. i really hope we get to have them together. i really want him to be the one....there's no question.
i'm thinking about writing a letter to my mother. about everything. i want to be honest with her, woman to woman. i want her to know why i gave up with nick, i want her to know all of the shit i have been through. i want to have the kind of relationship with my mom where she helps me through everything, where she relates to me, because i know that she can on some of these things. wish me luck...it's going to be hard. and i'm nervous. i know she will still love me, hopefully even more.
ok, enough for today.