you used to call me sweetie, now you call her that

[papiermachemade]

i want to tell you so badly that i still miss you. not all the time, but sometimes. i dont know if its so much you that i miss, or how it felt to be with you that i miss. its odd to think that after a year and half i could still say that, but i suppose that a part of me will always want to be with you. even if you are not who you used to be. i know things between us were never very good, but i guess it never mattered that much to me that we fought alot or that we were always trying to change each other to fit the image of the perfect person we had inside our heads. we were young and new at love. we had never felt anything that intensely before. i want to tell you, but i know i will scare you and though we hardly speak now, i know i would lose even that and the struggles we have had in the past will only return. i ache the most when i see that you call her sweetie now. you always called me that. no one else has ever called me that. there are times im so tempted to tell you all of this that i have to leave the room and distract myself just to keep from scaring you. you never could handle things well. i know you wouldnt handle this at all. you say you miss talking to me yet we never talk, and when we do, its never about you. how do you miss talking to me when you dont talk to me and you keep me at arms length? what is it that youre afraid of?

i fill the void you left with empty passions. with people that i hardly know. some i dont even know theyre last names. its horrible i know. i joke to hide the fact that i dont honestly know how ive fallen so far from grace. why keep going you ask? because ive fallen so far that i do not know the way back. perhaps you could help me if you had the time. you always knew what to say when i was lost.

i hear songs that remind me of you constantly. its sappy to say i know, but you know that there were songs that just happened to be playing at times that we will never forget. i still talk about you, you know. people say and do things you used to do and say and it reminds me of you. no matter how hard i try i cant seem to break from you. im happy for you now. you seem happy. she makes you happy and thats good. i hope for the best for you both. but i have to say that i am jealous of her and i hope she knows how lucky she is to have you.

im sorry. sometimes i just miss you and i know i cant tell you and it hurts.