its late, and ive been listening to country lately
so i have spent alot of time thinking lately. ive come to realize that there is something underlying whats been going on with me. i think this summer has had a major effect on my behavior. ive been so angry because of all of the horrid events that for some reason, ive een unfairly taking it out on those closest to me. to you, you know who you are (and if you dont, know that your names begin with an R and an S). for this i cannot explain and i really am sorry. i guess i had hoped that this year would be like the end of last year and i would be happy. i guess i didnt get my wish. but thats no ones fault and i should stop making it that way.
i have figured out what i really want in my life.
i want to feel like i have chosen the right major and that i belong there. i have no confidence in what i do and im constantly worried that im no good at it. im terrified that i will be forced to realize it and act on these concerns during coop. it tightens a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
i want to not worry about money. for once in my life i dont want to have to decide on what i can get because of how much money i have in the bank. ive never stopped wishing that i came from money. but im proud that i came from a home where my parents worked up from poverty to have what we have. they have given me an appreciation of whats really worthwhile in life.
i want to have respect for myself. it has come to my attention that i dont have any. its evident from the way i treat myself and what i do with my body. there are no excuses for what i have done to myself over the past few years, but all i can do is say that im working to change my behaviors. it wont be easy, but somehow im not afraid.
i want someone to love and to be loved. i know hes out there somewhere, i just wish hed hurry up and find me. or let me find him. i know who im looking for. i can see him in my mind. tall, dark hair, warm smile. i know im not the easiest person to be around and that may be why ive never kept anyone around for too long. or more like they havent kept me around for too long.i need someone that can handle me being loud and crazy. my inablilty to be moody from time to time. someone that makes me laugh and laughs at me. someone im not afraid to be at my most vulnerable with. someone whos honest and someone i can trust. someone that keeps my interest longer than 10 minutes on an intellectual level. i crave for someone that would lay with me till i fall asleep. someone that i can lay in bed with all day long talking nonesense with. i wish for that. i need someone to love me for all that i am and all that i am not. i doubt ill ever find it and maybe thats why im not the type to want to settle down. i dont know.
i want more than anything to feel like everything is as it should be. to feel ok for just one day would be nice.
i know this is a list of all i want. but more than that, its what i need. ive felt out of sorts for months now and i cant seem to set things right. i keeps me up at night and gives me nightmares. these are the things i think the most about. maybe its just rambling, but this is me. what else is new?
i have figured out what i really want in my life.
i want to feel like i have chosen the right major and that i belong there. i have no confidence in what i do and im constantly worried that im no good at it. im terrified that i will be forced to realize it and act on these concerns during coop. it tightens a knot in my stomach just thinking about it.
i want to not worry about money. for once in my life i dont want to have to decide on what i can get because of how much money i have in the bank. ive never stopped wishing that i came from money. but im proud that i came from a home where my parents worked up from poverty to have what we have. they have given me an appreciation of whats really worthwhile in life.
i want to have respect for myself. it has come to my attention that i dont have any. its evident from the way i treat myself and what i do with my body. there are no excuses for what i have done to myself over the past few years, but all i can do is say that im working to change my behaviors. it wont be easy, but somehow im not afraid.
i want someone to love and to be loved. i know hes out there somewhere, i just wish hed hurry up and find me. or let me find him. i know who im looking for. i can see him in my mind. tall, dark hair, warm smile. i know im not the easiest person to be around and that may be why ive never kept anyone around for too long. or more like they havent kept me around for too long.i need someone that can handle me being loud and crazy. my inablilty to be moody from time to time. someone that makes me laugh and laughs at me. someone im not afraid to be at my most vulnerable with. someone whos honest and someone i can trust. someone that keeps my interest longer than 10 minutes on an intellectual level. i crave for someone that would lay with me till i fall asleep. someone that i can lay in bed with all day long talking nonesense with. i wish for that. i need someone to love me for all that i am and all that i am not. i doubt ill ever find it and maybe thats why im not the type to want to settle down. i dont know.
i want more than anything to feel like everything is as it should be. to feel ok for just one day would be nice.
i know this is a list of all i want. but more than that, its what i need. ive felt out of sorts for months now and i cant seem to set things right. i keeps me up at night and gives me nightmares. these are the things i think the most about. maybe its just rambling, but this is me. what else is new?