Sometimes i just feel like a child
...stuck in an adults body. Nothing makes as much sense as it should. I'm tired and emotional and there aren't any clear answers to any of the things that are worrying me. Sometimes in the past i have hoped life would get more simple as time wore on. I guess this isn't the case. I still don't know anything. I still don't have any answers. I still don't really feel all that secure or happy. i mean sure, there is beauty, and love, and happiness sometimes. But there's the swirling miasma of unhappiness, uncertainty, and loneliness just around the next turn in the river. Sometimes i'm not sure this little raft can take it.
Part of me thought i would be married, working towards a creative career, and maybe moving towards owning a home...even though i thought i was one of the people who didn't really care about these things, even though i didn't want them with the opportunities that arose for me. So is my life a failure if i never have any of those three things? Would i have wanted those things even if things had gone differently? I feel so GROSS to be having such mundane desires. I desire creative expression too, but i can do that. If i really try. These things, i am not sure i can ever again get close to achieving. I kind of feel like i am just going to be a loser for the rest of my life. All alone. How do i keep that from being the case? How do i feel secure in a world that feels like it is constantly threatening to slide out from under me?
Goddamn am i emotional. I blame it on the hormones. Even though i truly know it isn't all their fault. These thoughts were there anyway. They were just made darker, and possibly worse by the surge of chemicals in my brain.
Part of me thought i would be married, working towards a creative career, and maybe moving towards owning a home...even though i thought i was one of the people who didn't really care about these things, even though i didn't want them with the opportunities that arose for me. So is my life a failure if i never have any of those three things? Would i have wanted those things even if things had gone differently? I feel so GROSS to be having such mundane desires. I desire creative expression too, but i can do that. If i really try. These things, i am not sure i can ever again get close to achieving. I kind of feel like i am just going to be a loser for the rest of my life. All alone. How do i keep that from being the case? How do i feel secure in a world that feels like it is constantly threatening to slide out from under me?
Goddamn am i emotional. I blame it on the hormones. Even though i truly know it isn't all their fault. These thoughts were there anyway. They were just made darker, and possibly worse by the surge of chemicals in my brain.