Happiniess before the downfall?
I am in an incredibly good mood today. I don't know why i should be but i am savoring this happiness anyway. I feel like i am sort of happily, crazily dancing on the razor's edge though. Life is about to get more ugly and complicated.
I've overspent again this month. Putting myself dangerously close to not being able to afford rent...if not beyond that point. It is stupid really. I could be more careful about such things but instead willfully ignore them, live outside my own means. I've never been particularly economically minded, but i am not stupid (even if i act stupidly). If i stop to look, i would see that i am poor and that a degree of spend thrifting is needed here. I cannot afford to be going to shows, buying CDs, eating out and buying random shit. Yet...I am addicted. It is so hard for me to be poor and happy. I mean, nobody enjoys being poor, but i need to cultivate happiness in doing things that are cheaper or free. Lets be realistic here Leslie!
I have a true will to live, yet my practicality is lacking. I want to preserve myself, yet have very little practical self preservation skills. I feel like a leaf in the wind, and its blowing me towards the gutter...
What it comes down to it this: i have very little safety net if things really get bad. I have no savings. No valuable belongings to sell if i need to bail myself out. And no one who would be willing to carry my ass should i really truly go broke...and why should anyone anyway? I haven't taken care of myself financially. I do have a $500 credit card i can use to pay rent for a month if i need to...but that is it. no other credit cards and no other money. Portland, i really love you and i want to stay. i just hope i can find a better way. I don't know what i need to do. Find a better paying job (are you out there)? Find a cheaper apartment? Sell all the belongings i have? Please Portland, let me figure out a way to make it work, a way to stay. I have friends here. I have a boy i love. The music scene, the culture, the art fills my veins with trilling joy. Please don't break me, Portland, i really want to stay.
I don't know why it seems like i am praying to this mythical goddess-beast of Portland to have mercy on me.
I've overspent again this month. Putting myself dangerously close to not being able to afford rent...if not beyond that point. It is stupid really. I could be more careful about such things but instead willfully ignore them, live outside my own means. I've never been particularly economically minded, but i am not stupid (even if i act stupidly). If i stop to look, i would see that i am poor and that a degree of spend thrifting is needed here. I cannot afford to be going to shows, buying CDs, eating out and buying random shit. Yet...I am addicted. It is so hard for me to be poor and happy. I mean, nobody enjoys being poor, but i need to cultivate happiness in doing things that are cheaper or free. Lets be realistic here Leslie!
I have a true will to live, yet my practicality is lacking. I want to preserve myself, yet have very little practical self preservation skills. I feel like a leaf in the wind, and its blowing me towards the gutter...
What it comes down to it this: i have very little safety net if things really get bad. I have no savings. No valuable belongings to sell if i need to bail myself out. And no one who would be willing to carry my ass should i really truly go broke...and why should anyone anyway? I haven't taken care of myself financially. I do have a $500 credit card i can use to pay rent for a month if i need to...but that is it. no other credit cards and no other money. Portland, i really love you and i want to stay. i just hope i can find a better way. I don't know what i need to do. Find a better paying job (are you out there)? Find a cheaper apartment? Sell all the belongings i have? Please Portland, let me figure out a way to make it work, a way to stay. I have friends here. I have a boy i love. The music scene, the culture, the art fills my veins with trilling joy. Please don't break me, Portland, i really want to stay.
I don't know why it seems like i am praying to this mythical goddess-beast of Portland to have mercy on me.