The message from a Beating Heart.
I work in a hospital. so vital signs really fascinate me. i find that i also have a fascination with veins nice big veins. i like to touch them and feel how squishy they are especially when they are really bouncy. anyway i have noticed another fascination with heart rate. there have been numerous instances where i have laid next to a man and felt an outrageous heart beat. what does that mean? it can mean that 1 his heart needs more pumps for the blood to get to his brain and around his body or 2 he can just be nervous. when i lay next to certain people i do realize that my heart tends to race also. when i am cuddling with someone and there is that silence all i can pay attention to is their heart racing. i make my heart stop racing most of the time. so if you are laying in bed with someone who likes you and you like them and your hearts are both racing what does that mean? it means there is something there ... i think. recently with the guy that i have been cuddling with i have tried to slow down my heart and be calm about it but i cant it is just an involuntary function at this point. i cant control it with him. i guess i may like him so much that when my brain tells my heart to slow down it really doesn't want to listen. ok so another weird thing is that his heart is probably going faster than mine. why? i don't know. the other night i laid down with him hes a friend.... a guy who i like a lot and fooled around with for a little while, so any way i laid down with him but before i did i thought that it was going to be an awkward sleep cuz i figured that we were gonna have that awkward space in between us and sleep back to back. We Are Friends! but as soon as i laid in my bed next to him, his arms automatically wrapped around me like i was more than a friend like i was someone special. and although i enjoyed it i didn't know what to do. should i have held him like he was holding me? at the same time i didn't want him to hold me i didn't want him to go close to my heart and feel the pounding beats. i don't want him to know that the feeling i felt was good. i just waited it out and then he turned around and i turned around then he turned around again. so we were awkwardly facing each other. neither of us knowing what to do.... what was running through my mind was ... i like this but did he face me purposely ? was he waiting for my lips to meet his ? was he honestly waiting for me to say something so everything would be alright? i suddenly felt it. i felt his heart beating so hard i was a little worried i just ignored it though. because deep down inside i was telling myself no his heart is not beating for the same reasons yours is. and i didnt care anymore i just laid there turned around again and laughed. thinking to myself are you serious right know ? are you honesty liking this person who doesnt like you the same way? i woke up that morning next to him only he didnt realize that i was awake cuz he was still sleeping and i watched him sleep. i saw his precious night time face, his lips so crusted and dry his eyes so shut but cute his nose so tender and bit-able. i watched him sleep and admired his cute face and nice body. his brown skin blending with mine. and i thought to myself he doesnt know. he doesnt know that im up admiring him. he eventually woke up to me faking the sleep that i was. he got up got dressed and left and i didnt like him anymore .i hated him for leaving me and for not saying goodbye the appropriate way. So i had a conversation with myself the other night and it was about how one of my other friends met her girlfriend and how she never gave up in liking her. im there laying in the bathtub that night talking to the water, to the soap that cleaned my body,to the bathtub, to me. telling myself that its ok to like someone.it is ok to wait a little while if no one else is around at the moment. so i justified the reasoning for me waiting. i compared my life with my friends i said they are together and she got with her because she never gave up on her. and now they are together. so what if i dont give up ? what if i keep to my word and keep fighting that force that distracts us. i dont know. i need sex, i need the heart beat, i need a hint. i need something. i left off saying no its ok im just gonna stay with my little teddy bear and cuddle with him. i dont need sex. i need someone to lay next to me to hold me and just to sleep with me thats all . all i need is that heart beat and ill be fine.