R.I.P Grandma Marcia

Sep 14, 2006 23:33

Okay so yesterday was horrible. First off it was raining as soon as i got up for my 8am class. Then about 45 minutes after i get out of class i get a call from my dad, and i knew something was wrong. He said it had to do with my grandmother, i thought it was just going to be another disease or maybe they had figured out what was actually wrong with her, but no... she had passed away. Being that i was all the way up at school and not having a car makes it difficult to come home. Luckily i was able to find a bus that left from my school and went into the city. Thanks to Danny i didnt have to walk all the way there in the rain. So i then spent just about 9 hours all alone on a bus, which only made me think(which is never good). My dad was in the city waiting for me which made things a bit easier, however the other day my roommate and i went and got snake bites and i was supposed to have them taken out on wednesday afternoon, but i had to leave for home, so being that my parents didnt know, i warned them on my way home, my dad was not exactly thrilled luckily jp had the tools and was willing to come over and help me out today. So now im leaving for florida tomorrow night with my dad, my mom and her sister went down last night, my uncle was already down there, my aunt and cousins left today, and my other uncle and cousins are going down this weekend for the funeral. Im really nervous about this, i havent been to a funeral since i was 8 years old. And this was such short notice. What makes it worse is that i havent seen my grandmother in over a year. I used to go visit my grandparents all the time. Between the ages of 6 and 14 i flew down there by myself to go see them. but the last few years have been pretty crazy. So the last time i saw them was around my senior prom. I feel so awful that i wasnt able to spend more time with her. I had been going to florida a number of times to visit my ex and was supposed to see my grandparents as well but they lived a few hours away and my parents werent comfortable with my ex driving all that way. So now im left feeling terribly guilty for not spending more time with her, i never in a million years thought that this would all happen so soon. However i am very greatful that i was able to spend all the time with her that i did growing up, out of all my cousins i was the one that spent the most time with her and my grandfather. And i am so thankful that my parents gave me that opportunity. Im really gonna miss her a lot. I was already missing them long before this all happened, my whole family isnt all that close, but to the family members that we are close with i have grown a very very strong bond with(which yes i know is normal) but its different when you have a huge family and are only close to very few. Another thing that is upsetting me about this whole thing is that there was one thing that i always wanted, and i told my 3 grandparents this since i was about 9 years old and that was... all i wanted was for the three of them to be there with me when i got married, this was something that would have ment the world to me. but now i cant have that. and with all the shit ive been going through latly its given me a completely different outlook on life in general in a number of ways. To me now i find it very important to let the people you care about know how much you really care about them becuase you never know what the next day may bring, life is short. And all this has made me think about my past, and i know i was young and it was my first love... but i remember how we would talk about marriage even though i was only like 15 years old, and i remember telling him how much it would mean to me to have my 3 grandparents at my wedding, and he agreed. he had spent time with me and all of them. love, not counting family and friends, is extreamly difficult. which is another thing, i am still completely in love with my most recent ex jp, and its horrible, im heartbroken even though it is mostly my fault the relationship ended. but we are still in contact and friends, but i cant just simply turn off my feelings for him and i hate it. as if i didnt have enough stress worrying about my grandma these past few weeks, starting a new semester up at college (which i am currently on accidemic probation and will be kicked out if i dont get my grades up this semester) im stressing out about what is going on between us, he gives me such mixed signals. one minute hes being super sweet and nice and then the next he is talking to me like im an idiot/ nothing/ everything i say is meaningless. i really dont know what to do and i really dont want to worry about that right now with everything else that is going on. i just wished he knew how much i truly love him and how i wished that everything would work out between us, im not interested in anyone else, as much as i try, its just not the same. Im really thanful that i have such an awsome roommate this year, her and i get along really well and think the same way, which helps when im freaking out and she'll help me handle the situation, along with just being silly and fucking fabulous. My friend Danny from school is also awsome, hes helped me through a lot of shit over the past year, and has stayed by my side which i am also very thanful for. I love my family and my friends with all of my heart, and i hope that sometime soon things will get a little easier, a little break would be oh so wonderful, but who knows, just gotta take one day at a time.
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