so much pain....
Why do we hurt the ones we love? Is it because we can't bear the thought of them hurting us first? Or is it because we're afraid things will eventually end anyway so we want to make the inevitable a reality? I don't know why I betrayed her trust. Was it because I was afraid that she couldn't accept the truth, that she'd think less of me for being honest? I am a fucking moron. I can't stand myself sometimes. I can't even come to tell anyone what I actually did because it's that bad that I'm not sure that even my friends could understand it, even though I know that most of them will love me no matter what I've done. That's why they're my friends and why I love them so much, even if I don't tell them all the time, or I haven't seen them in awhile. But Jesus, could there be a stupider person than me right now? Could I have done anything worse? I mean I didn't kill her mother or burn her house down or anything, but I did the same shitty things to her that all the other guys in her life have. I let her open up, made her feel safe, and then I hurt her through my idiocy. How does one make up for that, for being unlike any other guy she's ever known just to end up like all the rest. I am a fuck and I really fucking hate myself right now.