Letter to Hannah
Hannah, I care about you and my relationship with you so much. You are the definition of beautiful, strong, and courageous femininity to me. When I hear how your body, mind, and emotions have been treated in the past by wounded men, and a wounded mother, the disrespect, lack of safety, and pain that have been inflicted on you, every nurturing, loving, protective instinct in me fires up. I don't feel sorry for you, don't misunderstand me. I feel rage. It's the same rage I felt recently when a couple of my extended family members amused themselves playing "games" with Sarina that were upsetting her. Or thinking that she had to do what they wanted her to do because they wanted the gratification, and they think she's just a baby and has no will or boundaries of her own.
It's the rage I feel when I saw how they were walking straight through her boundaries and introducing her to the earliest forms of interpersonal trauma: the expectation that she exists for them, and not the opposite way around. This is not the way men were supposed to be. Everywhere around me I see men who are either numb to their emotions, or in touch primarily with their need to dominate. This is not the divine masculine. It's the conditioned and traumatized masculine, and it's heartbreaking to see what the connection between man and woman has become because of it.
The reason I give to you so completely and deeply from my heart and soul, Hannah, is because you connect with my inner child and he connects with you. It's not something you do, it's just something inherent. And I've been sharing a very innocent childlike form of love with you. It is a love that is pure and innocent. Love that is hopeful and joyful and still unaffected by the world.
But is this a rational foundation for a relationship? Not at all. Is it rational to live without that? Also not at all.
But I let this part of me out fully because adult me saw how sweet little kian’s connection with little hannah was. And by little hannah I mean your inner child, and her way of loving, and her needs, and her gentle and soft spirit. And in my early discussions with adult Hannah you showed me you were a trustworthy, compassionate, composed and loving woman, and I knew you would take really good care of him no matter what.
But just as I have conditions for having access to my heart, I'm sure you have conditions also. And I'm certain I probably violated those in some way. So I am not blaming you. I am just making it clear how I feel.
Letting myself go into such an innocent state of trust was one of the deepest acts of trust I’ve ever been open to as an adult. It was my first time letting my inner child be held completely in someone else's arms without any supervision since I was an actual child. Because my first experiences with love taught me people are cruel, and untrustworthy, and self-serving. So I have always protected myself even when I felt intimate with someone.
I did the healing to undo this self protection and explore the possibility again that maybe there is a chance for this level of romantic trust in this world. And as soon as I felt healed, my subconscious summoned you. Specifically you. And I don’t know if it was because I’m drawn to fall in love with you from this unguarded place, or if it’s because I knew we’d end up triggering each other, and that you’d be part of my journey to deeper healing.
I sensed both sides. They both played out. And I don’t know for sure anymore. Is there room for us to explore, or did I fall in love, run into the patterns I expected to run into, bottom out and that's it?
I’m still reflecting on this and making sense of everything, but I want to take accountability for myself here.
I see that little kian probably spent too much time with little hannah, and adult hannah was starting to show signs of distress. You started making reference to this once in a while but always downplayed it afterwards. You said you were overwhelmed, that things were intense, and recently that you felt pressure to care for my heart.
It’s my fault for not noticing this more clearly. I feel fully accountable for how I didn’t show up. Adult, rational Kian went home and left little kian with little hannah to play. And I and wasn’t there with you, monitoring the intimacy style and instincts of my inner child. But I also wasn't there, loving and nurturing, and being sensitive to the grown woman and her needs. Because she's also beautiful, and I also love her, incredibly deeply. But obviously the inner child cannot give a woman the love she needs to feel safe, secure, and romantically nurtured. This is my role as a man. And while I'm sorry I missed the obvious signs, I know that’s another facet of our connection I love and want to nurture.
I see that adult hannah probably got overwhelmed, overburdened, and maybe felt alone. Adult kian should have been there with her. Or maybe adult hannah doesn’t trust little kian so much with her little hannah’s heart without supervision and noticed little kian was running off with little hannah's heart into the woods a little too often.
Whatever it was, she stepped in and she sent little kian home. The vibe I got was a kid who had been at a friend's house too long. "Go home, Kian!" lol. I've used this metaphor to soften myself around how I feel about your lack of communication. The idea that we're neighbors and you just had to send my kid home, cause he just won't leave. lol. But still, little kian came home heartbroken, and crying and incredibly upset, and I’ve worked with him every day to get his heart to settle and feel peace and we’re still working on it, and learning about our own connection. Because he needs me. I know that now. Just because I helped him heal and learn to be unguarded, doesn't mean he doesn't need my experience and wisdom. The world hasn't changed, I have. And life is still cruel to innocence, and it's probably this way by design due to predator/prey evolution.
But it’s still hard to see your inner child come home with a broken heart. And it’s been hurtful for him not to have any communication. But again, I'm here to take accountability for my end of things.
I'm reflecting on how when we were first talking, you saw my rational, grounded, thoughtful adult personality. I think you sensed something maybe you hadn't before in a romantic connection - a healed, protective, compassionate, strong, leader. And it’s one of the things that made you feel safe and attracted to me, and I’m guessing I didn’t stick around in that capacity for you. I feel responsible for that. I just didn't realize he took lunch and never dropped back in. And I'm sorry.
Reconnecting with you has been so nice, Hannah. I don’t know if my path will rejoin with yours. But I know that this phase of separation and individual growth was/is essential, and whether we come back together or not depends on how we communicate, and how we grow as individuals and as interrelated beings during this time. I would like to see where things end up.
If we're to reconnect Hannah, it will be with very different boundaries. I will show up to nurture and support you as a woman. I did not mean to leave that part of our connection out of the picture.
There are still many things, sacred and profane, silly and serious, that I could explore more, but this is a good place to end a letter. They mustn't run on forever.
Hugs,
Kian