Fun mood times.
I am reallly lame.
I thought I was being over things. Not like, over Kyle, per se, but over us breaking up and had a crush on someone else and all that. Decided to leap in and try things, because I don't think I could know if I'm ready until I try. Such is life. The last couple weeks have been really strange and bizarre and frustrating and exciting. New experiences, you know, since I haven't been single since high school, and everything works differently in the real world.
I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it all right now, though. I'm not especially sure what I want, and then just when I was sure it wasn't ever going to happen, Kyle decided to like, have emotions regarding us no longer being together, which is good I suppose, but makes things even more difficult.
I've now been out a couple times with a couple people and it was fun, for sure, but part of me wishes I hadn't at all, because now I am feeling all complicated and backward. You know, I can't stay sad about Kyle forever, and I can't wait for him to figure things out, or whatever, since there's no guarantee that he would anyway, and I can't turn into a crazy cat lady, but I also don't want to get myself into crazy rebound relationships or try to find Kyle replacements or fall in love with whoever is nearby because I miss that feeling. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt people who like me when I end up being fickle and indecisive. I worry that whatever I do, or don't do, for that matter, I'll regret it later, and wonder if the other choice had been better.
You know, for so long, Kyle was my whole world. Not in a creepy I don't have any of my own interests way, but in that I've been with him my entire adulthood. I'm used to loving someone, and to knowing I'm loved back. It's a really comfortable and secure place. I'm used to not being embarassed by my quirks, because whether they are endearing or annoying I didn't have to worry about silly first impressions any more. I'm used to coming home to the same person everyday and going to sleep with him every night. I'm certianly unfamiliar with trying to juggle my feelings for more than one person at a time, and I have no idea how to navigate the adult dating world. I don't think I could flirt my way out of a paper bag, and everyone else's signals go right over my head. And I have no idea what I want out of it. I don't want to be leading people on or playing games, but I'm sure that's what I'm doing, even if it's unintentional. And something that made sense last night doesn't necessarily make sense today. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Hell, I'm not even used to looking at men as men, and not just as people.
I haven't been in a funky mood like this for a long time. It sucks, but part of me likes it. I enjoy my suffering, because somehow it makes me feel more alive. I'd rather be tormented but the important things than happily float along the surface.
Sorry if you're reading about yourself, and it's awkward. I needed to vent.
I thought I was being over things. Not like, over Kyle, per se, but over us breaking up and had a crush on someone else and all that. Decided to leap in and try things, because I don't think I could know if I'm ready until I try. Such is life. The last couple weeks have been really strange and bizarre and frustrating and exciting. New experiences, you know, since I haven't been single since high school, and everything works differently in the real world.
I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it all right now, though. I'm not especially sure what I want, and then just when I was sure it wasn't ever going to happen, Kyle decided to like, have emotions regarding us no longer being together, which is good I suppose, but makes things even more difficult.
I've now been out a couple times with a couple people and it was fun, for sure, but part of me wishes I hadn't at all, because now I am feeling all complicated and backward. You know, I can't stay sad about Kyle forever, and I can't wait for him to figure things out, or whatever, since there's no guarantee that he would anyway, and I can't turn into a crazy cat lady, but I also don't want to get myself into crazy rebound relationships or try to find Kyle replacements or fall in love with whoever is nearby because I miss that feeling. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt people who like me when I end up being fickle and indecisive. I worry that whatever I do, or don't do, for that matter, I'll regret it later, and wonder if the other choice had been better.
You know, for so long, Kyle was my whole world. Not in a creepy I don't have any of my own interests way, but in that I've been with him my entire adulthood. I'm used to loving someone, and to knowing I'm loved back. It's a really comfortable and secure place. I'm used to not being embarassed by my quirks, because whether they are endearing or annoying I didn't have to worry about silly first impressions any more. I'm used to coming home to the same person everyday and going to sleep with him every night. I'm certianly unfamiliar with trying to juggle my feelings for more than one person at a time, and I have no idea how to navigate the adult dating world. I don't think I could flirt my way out of a paper bag, and everyone else's signals go right over my head. And I have no idea what I want out of it. I don't want to be leading people on or playing games, but I'm sure that's what I'm doing, even if it's unintentional. And something that made sense last night doesn't necessarily make sense today. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Hell, I'm not even used to looking at men as men, and not just as people.
I haven't been in a funky mood like this for a long time. It sucks, but part of me likes it. I enjoy my suffering, because somehow it makes me feel more alive. I'd rather be tormented but the important things than happily float along the surface.
Sorry if you're reading about yourself, and it's awkward. I needed to vent.