circles
Jude and I used to talk about how I'd been following her around my whole life...trying to catch up with her. She lived in the bay area, then Arizona, then Northern CA. I did the same. Right behind her...just missing her each time. We used to talk about how we'd finally run into each other for a reason. She was literally slowing down, while I was just speeding up. I was thinking about this last night...she was heavy on my mind for some reason.
The first time I met Jude I was doing room checks. "Hi." "Hi." was all there was to it. I used to fight the other night shifter to do checks downstairs just so I could tell her good morning. On Christmas day I was doing something dreadful, she was going birdwatching. I thought that was the coolest thing. Someone else unthrilled for Xmas. There was this weird pull that made me gravitate toward her, she intrigued me.
She'd call me, she later confessed at five on the nose for coffee, just so I would sit and talk with her. Believe you me, I sat and talked with her, I was high as a kite. Being shoved so violently together by the forces of the universe was something neither of us was very happy about, but I don't think either of us had much say in it. We went from talking, to door slamming and hanging up on each other on the phone, to apologies and please don't ever leave me's in a month flat. She needed me more than she was willing to admit. I needed her. She gave me things like shells and pebbles she'd found in the desert. Shared things like broken pottery she'd dug up from under her house...we compared ourselves to turtles carrying our lives on our backs....and needing to learn how to come out of our shells for other people, instead of fearing the worst...
We used to talk about there being a reason we were in each other's lives at that very moment, and we talked about that up until she died. She was the leader in our little dance, my lessons came from her, and as I learned, she learned too...which surprised her...to the point of panic. She taught me persistence when she slammed her door in my face out of fear. She taught me acceptance and how to love a person for who they are and not what they do. She taught me to practice that, not just to preach it. She forced me to take everything Denise was giving to me and pay it forward. She taught me that to truly give of myself took a sacrifice on my part, and I learned how to really do that. I learned from her that I was capable of loving a human being AND possibly losing them, and that I had no control over their actions but that that was ok, because I got to love her and let her love me for even a short while.
I can't say exactly what lessons she learned from me, though she always shared one or two here and there. But what hit me last night was that I was always wondering what I was doing in her life at that time and in that place. When the drinking got bad, I thought maybe I was there to love her through that. When Dot got sick, I thought, "thats it, thats why I'm here, to get her through this..." When I was fired and she wasn't speaking to me because I loved her too much and she hated loving me back and she called me at midnight and begged me to come. I drove to Yreka at 1am to crawl into her hotel room bed and let her cling to me and make me promise not to leave her by falling asleep at 4am, I knew this had to be the reason we smacked into each other. When Dot died. When Isaac died. When she fell off the wagon and ended up in the hospital. When she got sick and almost died in ICU. When she got sick and DID die in ICU.
I moved back to CA from Tucson and started working at Eskaton September of 2004. I met Jude. Louise. Tracy. Anna. Katrina. Sophie and Jim. Michele. Kendall. Susan. Louise died. Tracy broke me. Kendall fought with me. Anna enlighted me and then fucked me over. Susan, Sophie and Jim, and Michele all have something to do with where and who I am at this moment. Sophie, Jim and Michele are all in Iowa, where I just left.
Jude and I made it through her drinking, my drugging, her living in motels and assisted livings and apartments. Her sister dying. Her ex husband dying, more drinking, my moving....and eventually her death....and here I am. Back in Tucson. Four years later.
Its like I left Tucson to take care of some business, and I have returned.
What a trip.
The first time I met Jude I was doing room checks. "Hi." "Hi." was all there was to it. I used to fight the other night shifter to do checks downstairs just so I could tell her good morning. On Christmas day I was doing something dreadful, she was going birdwatching. I thought that was the coolest thing. Someone else unthrilled for Xmas. There was this weird pull that made me gravitate toward her, she intrigued me.
She'd call me, she later confessed at five on the nose for coffee, just so I would sit and talk with her. Believe you me, I sat and talked with her, I was high as a kite. Being shoved so violently together by the forces of the universe was something neither of us was very happy about, but I don't think either of us had much say in it. We went from talking, to door slamming and hanging up on each other on the phone, to apologies and please don't ever leave me's in a month flat. She needed me more than she was willing to admit. I needed her. She gave me things like shells and pebbles she'd found in the desert. Shared things like broken pottery she'd dug up from under her house...we compared ourselves to turtles carrying our lives on our backs....and needing to learn how to come out of our shells for other people, instead of fearing the worst...
We used to talk about there being a reason we were in each other's lives at that very moment, and we talked about that up until she died. She was the leader in our little dance, my lessons came from her, and as I learned, she learned too...which surprised her...to the point of panic. She taught me persistence when she slammed her door in my face out of fear. She taught me acceptance and how to love a person for who they are and not what they do. She taught me to practice that, not just to preach it. She forced me to take everything Denise was giving to me and pay it forward. She taught me that to truly give of myself took a sacrifice on my part, and I learned how to really do that. I learned from her that I was capable of loving a human being AND possibly losing them, and that I had no control over their actions but that that was ok, because I got to love her and let her love me for even a short while.
I can't say exactly what lessons she learned from me, though she always shared one or two here and there. But what hit me last night was that I was always wondering what I was doing in her life at that time and in that place. When the drinking got bad, I thought maybe I was there to love her through that. When Dot got sick, I thought, "thats it, thats why I'm here, to get her through this..." When I was fired and she wasn't speaking to me because I loved her too much and she hated loving me back and she called me at midnight and begged me to come. I drove to Yreka at 1am to crawl into her hotel room bed and let her cling to me and make me promise not to leave her by falling asleep at 4am, I knew this had to be the reason we smacked into each other. When Dot died. When Isaac died. When she fell off the wagon and ended up in the hospital. When she got sick and almost died in ICU. When she got sick and DID die in ICU.
I moved back to CA from Tucson and started working at Eskaton September of 2004. I met Jude. Louise. Tracy. Anna. Katrina. Sophie and Jim. Michele. Kendall. Susan. Louise died. Tracy broke me. Kendall fought with me. Anna enlighted me and then fucked me over. Susan, Sophie and Jim, and Michele all have something to do with where and who I am at this moment. Sophie, Jim and Michele are all in Iowa, where I just left.
Jude and I made it through her drinking, my drugging, her living in motels and assisted livings and apartments. Her sister dying. Her ex husband dying, more drinking, my moving....and eventually her death....and here I am. Back in Tucson. Four years later.
Its like I left Tucson to take care of some business, and I have returned.
What a trip.