no, I hate this movie.

Nov 17, 2003 22:13

Nope, I don't have a love/hate relationship with this movie. I hate it, and I'm torturing myself. People don't understand what they've got in this life. They just don't. Maybe I don't either.

My dad came over today. He looked at my car. He told me I should be more honest with them. He told me I should let them love me. I don't know how. I'm stupid and dramatic, I know. But I really don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do. With myself.

These are my options:

To move to the desert with guitargrrl, lucy_jane, and kaeruemi...this is if Madi says the word. The total and complete word. The "lets live with pigs and dogs and guitars and desert stars" word.

To move to Chatanooga in the middle of January, then to AZ, OR, or WA in March or April.

To get into some ongoing therapy.

To sit on my couch staring at the wall refusing to live life at all until they take me away.

To move back in with my parents, pay off bills and concentrate on therapy. Here is where I decide between financial freedom and independence.

To jump off a tall bridge.

My dad stood there in the parking lot with me and asked me why I didn't need books, or to talk to someone, or therapy. Why I would just need my mom. Even he doesn't know. I guess no one knows your demons unless you tell them.

I just read my email and sat here with tears in my eyes. People seem to know just the words to write when there just seem to be no words. I want so badly to leave this place. I don't even know why. I am so sad. And I have no reason to be. Maybe I feel like if I make a huge dramatic change in my life, I won't be so sad anymore. Maybe I just need something new to concentrate on, so I won't have to concentrate on me anymore.

But. A decision needs to be made. By me. Now. And I can't make decisions. Some sign from the Goddess needs to smack me in the forehead, because I don't know what to do with myself at this point. And EVERY option above has been seriously considered and thought over. Thoroughly.

Part of me wants to keep everything the same. Part of me wants nothing to change, because maybe I'm comfortable in my sadness. Maybe I know that about myself, that I'll settle into it like a comfy couch...and realize that if I don't do ANYTHING....the not-so-good will result.

I'm gonna stop typing now. Because I make no sense. I don't know what I want. I don't know how I feel. I'm just totally and completely drawing a blank. The prospect of moving makes me happy. The thought of working it out terrifies me.

The end.

gratitude: I have new books to read. I'm starting Blessings by Anna Quindlen. She wrote One True Thing and all kinds of momless daughter stuff. I'm excited for this book. I finished Prozac Nation by the way. Colored the pages with the highlighter. Brilliance, I say.

And I weigh 114 again.



Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but things just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optimistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla
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