I am words
If I refused to tell you who I was, if I refused to spill my thoughts and the reasons I have them, or if I somehow suddenly couldn't speak or type or write or sign or gesture - and you just absolutely needed to know who I was...or understand me....I'd hand you three books.
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
And then you'd know everything there was to know about me and why I am who I am...what I strive and don't strive to be. I'm so predictable. I was written into the books already.
Today was a perfect, drizzly rainy day. It was perfect because I belong in it more than I belong in the sunshine. I feel a little more at home. And the weather change always makes me think of her. I have this flash of the two of us walking down a street. I am in an aqua blue sweatsuit. She is holding the umbrella. I have thick ribbons in my hair and ghetto fab reeboks. And we go into some crafty fabric store. I get to play in the plastic kiddie corner while she looks at the rafia scarecrows and there are raindrops on the windows. Yellow light. And gray skies. And I am comfortable. And nothing is wrong in the whole wide world. I am safe. And sound. And when we get home I'll put on my Popple roller skates and skate around the garage to Karen Carpenter, pretending I'm in the ice capades her and Grandma took me to a few weeks ago.
I listened to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt today. Over and over. Trent Reznor is a God. Those lyrics are perfect perfect. They're here. "I will let you down...I will make you hurt...everyone I know goes away in the end..." Holy crap. I felt this song all day long. And not because of anything in particular. Just because of the way I've been feeling. I wasn't always like this. I didn't always not give a shit about anything. I used to hang out with friends. I used to want to go out. I used to go see my family all the time. I used to make and recieve phone calls. Now I don't want to do anything. I don't want anyone around me because I don't want to "subject" them. My dad always told me I was too comfortable in sadness to ever be happy. Maybe he was right. I've just felt, lately...like if I'm destined to always stay like "this" -- than I should really keep people away from me.
I would look at my friends and think, I'm going to be dead anyways..so who cares? Now I look at them and think how THEY would feel if I weren't...here...If I weren't...me. says justify_me. Keisha used to tell me she worried more about my giving up and giving in when I refused to let people in. When I refused to let anyone hold me in their hearts as important. She knew...that when I had to answer to the people I cared about, I cared more about myself. Because I cared about them. I try so hard to protect the people I love from myself....
D emailed me tonight and made me think that maybe everyone doesn't need a suit of armor, or can at least decide for themselves whether they do. Especially when it comes to her, the last thing I want to do is present my case and announce it needs fixing. The last thing I want is for people to have to "deal with me." I don't want to bring people down. Or disappoint them with myself. When J used to tell me she wanted to kill herself, I used to ask her what the hell she would do if I killed myself. Of course, she just said she'd kill herself...but I asked her how she would feel. I took how much I knew she cared about me and shined it in her eyes like a campground flashlight. And BAM. She realized the effect she had on me too - she realized I was as genuine and no strings attached as she was. Yes, she felt undeserving. She'd ask me why...she was ugly, she was in a wheelchair, she was crazy, she'd made me help her with her colostomy for goddess sake, she was disgusting. That stuff didn't matter to me. She was a great and wonderful inspiring human being. And I'd tell her this. And she still didn't believe I could give two shits about her. And here I am in that situation. Only I'm J. I'm the undeserving one. I don't know how to let people just care about me. I don't know how to believe that they are sincere in what they feel about ME. Why? Because I am not deserving. They can't possibly know me through and through and still be staying firm in their opinions. D flipped the situation too, she shined that big ol blaring light in my eyes too. And I am lucky for her. Because while I can hate myself with the red hottest seething passion, I can never disregard what she has to say. And usually it has something to do with not hating myself with a red hot seething passion. And she is the only person in my life - right now - who looks at me...and not through me.
The holidays are coming. And I wish I was in AZ RIGHT NOW. I'm scared to deal with my family. My moms side is all divorced and crazy and my dads side is all divorced and crazy. This means I've got to please them all by seeing all of them for at least as long as I've got. I'm going to my mom's moms Saturday night. Her birthday is tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be informed that "this Thanksgiving I need to spend with MOM'S side because I always go see my dad's side...and never spend enough time with her." On the 15th I'm going to my dad's mom's for Thanksgiving. On Dec 6th I'm going with my dad's stepmom to my cousin's for a Christmas get together. Its already starting. And I'm dreading away. All I know is that I need to lose at least 5 pounds BEFORE I show up at my dad's mom's. EVERYONE will be there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins...stepmothers. Yah. We're all right in the head.
I need to stop typing.
I'm going to bed.
Gemini Daily Horoscope
erin
Sun Sign: Gemini
November 6th, 2003
It's very possible that you will want to take a step back from things today in order to take a closer look at your relationships. Your address book is full to bursting with names! Your phone rings off the hook. You receive at least 10 e-mails a day. Yet, isn't it funny that you feel rather alone? It's time to get rid of your more superficial relationships to concentrate on those that really mean something to you. Good idea, dear Gemini!
I do believe I did that long ago, dear Stars!
November 7, 2003
The planetary aspects of the day are inviting you to explore all the areas of existence that involve a strong expression of feeling, erin. A declaration of love, an autobiography, a spiritual confession, an apology, reconciliation, etc. All these kinds of communication bring into the light a kind of intimate revelation. This might be just what you need in order to take advantage of the powerful inspiration that is in your sign at the moment...
Hrmm...feeling....
Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman
Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
And then you'd know everything there was to know about me and why I am who I am...what I strive and don't strive to be. I'm so predictable. I was written into the books already.
Today was a perfect, drizzly rainy day. It was perfect because I belong in it more than I belong in the sunshine. I feel a little more at home. And the weather change always makes me think of her. I have this flash of the two of us walking down a street. I am in an aqua blue sweatsuit. She is holding the umbrella. I have thick ribbons in my hair and ghetto fab reeboks. And we go into some crafty fabric store. I get to play in the plastic kiddie corner while she looks at the rafia scarecrows and there are raindrops on the windows. Yellow light. And gray skies. And I am comfortable. And nothing is wrong in the whole wide world. I am safe. And sound. And when we get home I'll put on my Popple roller skates and skate around the garage to Karen Carpenter, pretending I'm in the ice capades her and Grandma took me to a few weeks ago.
I listened to Johnny Cash's version of Hurt today. Over and over. Trent Reznor is a God. Those lyrics are perfect perfect. They're here. "I will let you down...I will make you hurt...everyone I know goes away in the end..." Holy crap. I felt this song all day long. And not because of anything in particular. Just because of the way I've been feeling. I wasn't always like this. I didn't always not give a shit about anything. I used to hang out with friends. I used to want to go out. I used to go see my family all the time. I used to make and recieve phone calls. Now I don't want to do anything. I don't want anyone around me because I don't want to "subject" them. My dad always told me I was too comfortable in sadness to ever be happy. Maybe he was right. I've just felt, lately...like if I'm destined to always stay like "this" -- than I should really keep people away from me.
I would look at my friends and think, I'm going to be dead anyways..so who cares? Now I look at them and think how THEY would feel if I weren't...here...If I weren't...me. says justify_me. Keisha used to tell me she worried more about my giving up and giving in when I refused to let people in. When I refused to let anyone hold me in their hearts as important. She knew...that when I had to answer to the people I cared about, I cared more about myself. Because I cared about them. I try so hard to protect the people I love from myself....
D emailed me tonight and made me think that maybe everyone doesn't need a suit of armor, or can at least decide for themselves whether they do. Especially when it comes to her, the last thing I want to do is present my case and announce it needs fixing. The last thing I want is for people to have to "deal with me." I don't want to bring people down. Or disappoint them with myself. When J used to tell me she wanted to kill herself, I used to ask her what the hell she would do if I killed myself. Of course, she just said she'd kill herself...but I asked her how she would feel. I took how much I knew she cared about me and shined it in her eyes like a campground flashlight. And BAM. She realized the effect she had on me too - she realized I was as genuine and no strings attached as she was. Yes, she felt undeserving. She'd ask me why...she was ugly, she was in a wheelchair, she was crazy, she'd made me help her with her colostomy for goddess sake, she was disgusting. That stuff didn't matter to me. She was a great and wonderful inspiring human being. And I'd tell her this. And she still didn't believe I could give two shits about her. And here I am in that situation. Only I'm J. I'm the undeserving one. I don't know how to let people just care about me. I don't know how to believe that they are sincere in what they feel about ME. Why? Because I am not deserving. They can't possibly know me through and through and still be staying firm in their opinions. D flipped the situation too, she shined that big ol blaring light in my eyes too. And I am lucky for her. Because while I can hate myself with the red hottest seething passion, I can never disregard what she has to say. And usually it has something to do with not hating myself with a red hot seething passion. And she is the only person in my life - right now - who looks at me...and not through me.
The holidays are coming. And I wish I was in AZ RIGHT NOW. I'm scared to deal with my family. My moms side is all divorced and crazy and my dads side is all divorced and crazy. This means I've got to please them all by seeing all of them for at least as long as I've got. I'm going to my mom's moms Saturday night. Her birthday is tomorrow. I'm sure I'll be informed that "this Thanksgiving I need to spend with MOM'S side because I always go see my dad's side...and never spend enough time with her." On the 15th I'm going to my dad's mom's for Thanksgiving. On Dec 6th I'm going with my dad's stepmom to my cousin's for a Christmas get together. Its already starting. And I'm dreading away. All I know is that I need to lose at least 5 pounds BEFORE I show up at my dad's mom's. EVERYONE will be there. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins...stepmothers. Yah. We're all right in the head.
I need to stop typing.
I'm going to bed.
Gemini Daily Horoscope
erin
Sun Sign: Gemini
November 6th, 2003
It's very possible that you will want to take a step back from things today in order to take a closer look at your relationships. Your address book is full to bursting with names! Your phone rings off the hook. You receive at least 10 e-mails a day. Yet, isn't it funny that you feel rather alone? It's time to get rid of your more superficial relationships to concentrate on those that really mean something to you. Good idea, dear Gemini!
I do believe I did that long ago, dear Stars!
November 7, 2003
The planetary aspects of the day are inviting you to explore all the areas of existence that involve a strong expression of feeling, erin. A declaration of love, an autobiography, a spiritual confession, an apology, reconciliation, etc. All these kinds of communication bring into the light a kind of intimate revelation. This might be just what you need in order to take advantage of the powerful inspiration that is in your sign at the moment...
Hrmm...feeling....