AGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Birthday Alexis. I wonder where that girl is. In the army somewhere I'm sure. Ah, the days of catching the bus with her and Amara and Aaron. God, I wanna be 16 again.
I just got off the phone with Abigail. I miss that girl like I'd miss my left ear if someone were to chop it off. I'm deaf in my right ear, so I really miss her.
All day today I was missing her. I missed her when I thought about not being able to pay rent. And how we said "screw rent" to buy FM tickets. I missed her because Emi is so anal about paying bills...which I guess is not a bad thing. But I just missed not needing to explain myself. I missed her when those stupid Mother's Day commercials came on and I felt awkward, yet again.
And I cried on the phone with her about Mother's Day. About how no one else understands, no matter how sweet they are and how badly they WANT to understand. And how no matter how happy we are in life, we are just incapable of feeling it...because its never WHOLE. There is always something missing. So. We starve ourselves. We hate ourselves. And we pick up and move, because if we can just escape our dead mothers...maybe we can feel whole. Well. We can't escape them. And theres no explaining why not. No one can understand that.
She wants to move back to California. We both agreed that we're idiots and we should have stayed there in the first place. She's sleeping on the couch tonight because shes mad at Jason because he told her she might have to go stay at her Dad's house. He also said, "You're right, you DO make people run screaming from you." WTF??? She says her family isn't even talking to her, they live 45 minutes away and CHASTISED her until she moved back....and now...they could care less. GOD!!!
I talked to her about not wanting to be here. I like this area. But WHY. THE. HELL. AM. I. HERE!????? There is nothing for me here, and I'm just wasting my time. No experience with fun people, no friends, no family, no school, no important job.
I told her I think I do want to go back for fall semester in August. And that her and Jason should come to CA. She wants to tell him they are moving. She's mad that he won't budge, when she picked up and moved back across the country, expecting some flexibility.
I'm either going back in August, or February when the lease is up. Please, Goddess, let me get that egg donor money so I am able to do that.
I told Abby when I go back to CA in June I'm gonna want to stay there. I'm gonna be SO sad to come back here...to what....disgusting dishes and flies in the kitchen? GOD.
I got my CNA packet in the mail the other day. It will cost me $90 to take the test...which I have in my pocket right now if I screw rent over. But I can't screw rent over because EMI is my roommate. If it were Abby, I'd screw it over....because I NEED to sign up to take that test - it takes 3-4 weeks to process, and I want to get it OUT of the WAY. But I can't. Because I'm too busy covering OTHER people's asses. DAMMIT. I should be happy to sacrifice for him....he's covered my ass since I got here. I'm selfish.
Last night I lay in bed listening to the May CD I made Saturday. And I BAWLED. Every month when I make those CDs, I take my life and I burn it onto a CD. This month, I put songs on there that I've sung with Denise, I put songs on there that describe exactly where I am right now, I put a song on there that makes me think of Brett and CRY because he has never been anything but there for me. I put songs on there appropriate for Mother's Day. And I laid there and thought of whether or not I'd like to kill myself this week. This is a bad thing. I cried. Because these days I feel like I could definitely do that. It shouldn't be such a casual thing that I toss around in my head, and I thought about that last night. But it is. It totally is. I am SO FRUSTRATED right now. With myself. With the way things have turned out. And I think, since I haven't let myself focus on the specifics, I've been floating above being TOTALLY overwhelmed. But last night. I was totally overwhelmed, and I felt SO....hopeless. Like, whats the point? Once again.
I can't kill myself though. And its kind of scary not to have that reassurance like I usually do. I fought with myself last night, "Yes you can, no you can't, yes you can, no you can't." I'm CRAZY. The yes you can part of me was reminding myself that I don't have a job, I don't have money to pay rent on time, I don't have money to pay my phone bill, I secretly despise my roommate and all of his nasty habits, I don't think I'll ever be able to tolerate one person for any extended amount of time, I'm about to turn 23, and I don't have a goal in mind. The no you can't part of me was telling myself over and over that I've ALREADY experienced more than many people EVER will, that someday I want to be in the Peace Corps, and that Denise and Abby are walking around the planet. I thought about that last night...and I thought about how those two, being my most cherished people on the face of the planet, keep me breathing. And how I need to write that down because when I write something down, it somehow solidifies it. And then I thought about how I shouldn't write it...because then if I DO decide to off myself, those two will feel like they could have done something. When. In reality....they already have done more than anyone else to keep me WANTING to live. I know it sounds weird to a sane world, but in my head its perfectly normal that I could never kill myself because there are only 2 people on this planet who I know deep down in my heart honestly and sincerely love me as much as I love them. And oh my god. That says a lot. And. Where would Oliver go? Haha. Those things are keeping me from fasting for a day to weaken my liver, drink heavily, take the > gms of tylenol it would take to kill me, and follow it up with a little more alcohol. I know from past mistakes what to do right next time.
Sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed...with who I'm supposed to be....if that makes sense. But. I can't do it. Theres no way. People love me. I can't do that to those people. Thats the only reason. I don't care about my life, or the future in all honestly. I don't care. But I don't know how to keep it from getting here without killing myself, and like I said, that isn't an option.
I WANT to be a nomad. I WANT to be a gypsy. I want to live in EVERY state at one time or another. For a month, for 6 months, for a year....whatever. But. I've discovered that I need a goal...at all times, because when I stop having goals, I stop feeling a purpose, and when I stop feeling a purpose, I cease needing to breathe, and I begin that nasty spiral of self hatred that loves to show itself to me so often.
Anyway. I finally fell asleep last night...I was sad. SAD. I dreamed first that I was at home where I grew up. In my room, over-looking the street. But instead of our old neighbor, Millie, Denise was my neighbor. I remember looking out my window and wondering where she was. I went outside to shoot hoops for a while, like I always did when I was most lonely in that house. And I looked over at the driveway and there was some silver SUV in the driveway. And where the garage was (in real life) there was a window, and the light was on, and Oliver was in the house, and so was Denise! So I went and knocked on the window and laughed cause Oliver had gotten in, and Denise came and opened the front door. Her sister was there...then I woke up. After I went back to sleep after feeding Oliver, I had another dream where I was at one of Dad's baseball games, mom was watching from the bleachers, and I had her dog, Muffin. Muffin and I were chilling on the tennis courts and I was roller skating. Yeah, I reverted back to my childhood last night.
I woke up in a funk. I spent the day in a similar funk. Oprah made me cry. She always makes me cry. Today she talked to a 53 year old woman who didn't feel needed or beautiful anymore and she was crying. I BAWLED. Oprah told her she couldn't see herself for who she really was, and I wanted to go hug her and tell her she was STILL beautiful, and that people her age ARE beautiful and why don't they think so!? Why don't people see how valuable they are? It makes me so sad.
And then Beethoven rang on my phone and I was so happy. Talking to Denise always makes me feel like I'm not quite so far away. Its still weird to me the way I just don't feel right when I haven't talked to that woman in a while. I'm just glad she doesn't think I'm crazy for it...because *sigh* I just can NOT explain it.
Anyway. Today was a good day, if only for the fact that I got to talk to the two people who know me better than anyone, and who I'd rather know more than anyone on this planet.
Tomorrow I have orientation. And I could care less.
And I swear to God. If Brian does not stop calling me five thousand times a day, I'm gonna hire someone ELSE to kill me. I told Abby I might have could have gone for him if he didn't turn out, like ALL the rest of them to be the needy clingy GIRL. I'll never be married. I can't STAND being idolized. I'm not worth that. Get over it.
Sleep. Is a good thing.
I just got off the phone with Abigail. I miss that girl like I'd miss my left ear if someone were to chop it off. I'm deaf in my right ear, so I really miss her.
All day today I was missing her. I missed her when I thought about not being able to pay rent. And how we said "screw rent" to buy FM tickets. I missed her because Emi is so anal about paying bills...which I guess is not a bad thing. But I just missed not needing to explain myself. I missed her when those stupid Mother's Day commercials came on and I felt awkward, yet again.
And I cried on the phone with her about Mother's Day. About how no one else understands, no matter how sweet they are and how badly they WANT to understand. And how no matter how happy we are in life, we are just incapable of feeling it...because its never WHOLE. There is always something missing. So. We starve ourselves. We hate ourselves. And we pick up and move, because if we can just escape our dead mothers...maybe we can feel whole. Well. We can't escape them. And theres no explaining why not. No one can understand that.
She wants to move back to California. We both agreed that we're idiots and we should have stayed there in the first place. She's sleeping on the couch tonight because shes mad at Jason because he told her she might have to go stay at her Dad's house. He also said, "You're right, you DO make people run screaming from you." WTF??? She says her family isn't even talking to her, they live 45 minutes away and CHASTISED her until she moved back....and now...they could care less. GOD!!!
I talked to her about not wanting to be here. I like this area. But WHY. THE. HELL. AM. I. HERE!????? There is nothing for me here, and I'm just wasting my time. No experience with fun people, no friends, no family, no school, no important job.
I told her I think I do want to go back for fall semester in August. And that her and Jason should come to CA. She wants to tell him they are moving. She's mad that he won't budge, when she picked up and moved back across the country, expecting some flexibility.
I'm either going back in August, or February when the lease is up. Please, Goddess, let me get that egg donor money so I am able to do that.
I told Abby when I go back to CA in June I'm gonna want to stay there. I'm gonna be SO sad to come back here...to what....disgusting dishes and flies in the kitchen? GOD.
I got my CNA packet in the mail the other day. It will cost me $90 to take the test...which I have in my pocket right now if I screw rent over. But I can't screw rent over because EMI is my roommate. If it were Abby, I'd screw it over....because I NEED to sign up to take that test - it takes 3-4 weeks to process, and I want to get it OUT of the WAY. But I can't. Because I'm too busy covering OTHER people's asses. DAMMIT. I should be happy to sacrifice for him....he's covered my ass since I got here. I'm selfish.
Last night I lay in bed listening to the May CD I made Saturday. And I BAWLED. Every month when I make those CDs, I take my life and I burn it onto a CD. This month, I put songs on there that I've sung with Denise, I put songs on there that describe exactly where I am right now, I put a song on there that makes me think of Brett and CRY because he has never been anything but there for me. I put songs on there appropriate for Mother's Day. And I laid there and thought of whether or not I'd like to kill myself this week. This is a bad thing. I cried. Because these days I feel like I could definitely do that. It shouldn't be such a casual thing that I toss around in my head, and I thought about that last night. But it is. It totally is. I am SO FRUSTRATED right now. With myself. With the way things have turned out. And I think, since I haven't let myself focus on the specifics, I've been floating above being TOTALLY overwhelmed. But last night. I was totally overwhelmed, and I felt SO....hopeless. Like, whats the point? Once again.
I can't kill myself though. And its kind of scary not to have that reassurance like I usually do. I fought with myself last night, "Yes you can, no you can't, yes you can, no you can't." I'm CRAZY. The yes you can part of me was reminding myself that I don't have a job, I don't have money to pay rent on time, I don't have money to pay my phone bill, I secretly despise my roommate and all of his nasty habits, I don't think I'll ever be able to tolerate one person for any extended amount of time, I'm about to turn 23, and I don't have a goal in mind. The no you can't part of me was telling myself over and over that I've ALREADY experienced more than many people EVER will, that someday I want to be in the Peace Corps, and that Denise and Abby are walking around the planet. I thought about that last night...and I thought about how those two, being my most cherished people on the face of the planet, keep me breathing. And how I need to write that down because when I write something down, it somehow solidifies it. And then I thought about how I shouldn't write it...because then if I DO decide to off myself, those two will feel like they could have done something. When. In reality....they already have done more than anyone else to keep me WANTING to live. I know it sounds weird to a sane world, but in my head its perfectly normal that I could never kill myself because there are only 2 people on this planet who I know deep down in my heart honestly and sincerely love me as much as I love them. And oh my god. That says a lot. And. Where would Oliver go? Haha. Those things are keeping me from fasting for a day to weaken my liver, drink heavily, take the > gms of tylenol it would take to kill me, and follow it up with a little more alcohol. I know from past mistakes what to do right next time.
Sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed...with who I'm supposed to be....if that makes sense. But. I can't do it. Theres no way. People love me. I can't do that to those people. Thats the only reason. I don't care about my life, or the future in all honestly. I don't care. But I don't know how to keep it from getting here without killing myself, and like I said, that isn't an option.
I WANT to be a nomad. I WANT to be a gypsy. I want to live in EVERY state at one time or another. For a month, for 6 months, for a year....whatever. But. I've discovered that I need a goal...at all times, because when I stop having goals, I stop feeling a purpose, and when I stop feeling a purpose, I cease needing to breathe, and I begin that nasty spiral of self hatred that loves to show itself to me so often.
Anyway. I finally fell asleep last night...I was sad. SAD. I dreamed first that I was at home where I grew up. In my room, over-looking the street. But instead of our old neighbor, Millie, Denise was my neighbor. I remember looking out my window and wondering where she was. I went outside to shoot hoops for a while, like I always did when I was most lonely in that house. And I looked over at the driveway and there was some silver SUV in the driveway. And where the garage was (in real life) there was a window, and the light was on, and Oliver was in the house, and so was Denise! So I went and knocked on the window and laughed cause Oliver had gotten in, and Denise came and opened the front door. Her sister was there...then I woke up. After I went back to sleep after feeding Oliver, I had another dream where I was at one of Dad's baseball games, mom was watching from the bleachers, and I had her dog, Muffin. Muffin and I were chilling on the tennis courts and I was roller skating. Yeah, I reverted back to my childhood last night.
I woke up in a funk. I spent the day in a similar funk. Oprah made me cry. She always makes me cry. Today she talked to a 53 year old woman who didn't feel needed or beautiful anymore and she was crying. I BAWLED. Oprah told her she couldn't see herself for who she really was, and I wanted to go hug her and tell her she was STILL beautiful, and that people her age ARE beautiful and why don't they think so!? Why don't people see how valuable they are? It makes me so sad.
And then Beethoven rang on my phone and I was so happy. Talking to Denise always makes me feel like I'm not quite so far away. Its still weird to me the way I just don't feel right when I haven't talked to that woman in a while. I'm just glad she doesn't think I'm crazy for it...because *sigh* I just can NOT explain it.
Anyway. Today was a good day, if only for the fact that I got to talk to the two people who know me better than anyone, and who I'd rather know more than anyone on this planet.
Tomorrow I have orientation. And I could care less.
And I swear to God. If Brian does not stop calling me five thousand times a day, I'm gonna hire someone ELSE to kill me. I told Abby I might have could have gone for him if he didn't turn out, like ALL the rest of them to be the needy clingy GIRL. I'll never be married. I can't STAND being idolized. I'm not worth that. Get over it.
Sleep. Is a good thing.