(no subject)
i havent updated in a while...partly because i really dont think anybody could care less about what id have to say, and partly because i wouldnt know what to say.
but here goes anyway, for the sake of old times.
my mom has cancer again. in four places. and its going to be a very difficult operation to perform. the doctor said he was surprised she was even alive now, that she should have died a long time ago...and im really scared for her, because shes been acting like she KNOWS shes not going to last very much longer. shes been spending so much more time with us and gets so emotional for the smallest things, she just wants to make us happy. ive been praying for her so hard. she cant leave us. i dont know what we would do without her. theyre operating her next wednesday, and i just pray everything goes well. i cant even imagine what would happen if we no longer had her. if things dont go well...i just hope she's been happy with her life. her life has been us, and its so hard now to look back on all of the fights weve had, all of the bad times and all of the crying. i want to make it all up to her, i want her to know that i love her and that shes the biggest part of my life. i need her. she cant leave us
thank God for anthony, hes the only one whos really been helping me through all of this and is ALWAYS there for me. if it werent for him...i dont know what id do. theres nobody else i can really run to, theres nobody else i can take my anger out on and at the end of the day they understand and theyre there to hold me and tell me itll be ok. i wish i knew why he cares so much about me, but i dont.
i also thank God for francisco, amanda, angie, lianne and everyone else whos been praying for her. you dont know how much that means to me.
i feel like im in 5th grade all over again. the loner that not many people paid attention to. i wish i had people at school i could call my best friends, but i dont. i wish i had people i could run to at school about my mom and how much this all hurts, but i dont. so i channel it all through my studying and i become that girl who always studies when she gets home, as a way to take her mind off of everything. i become that girl with nothing to say, because there is nothing to say. nothing really matters much anymore. the only thing i really spend time doing is studying. i guess ive become obcessed with my grades since they're a way to hide from everything. an alleviation. a "coping mechanism", in the words of freud.
i let it out at the weirdest times. i'll just....randomly be watching a movie with anthony and start bawling. i just dont know how to deal with this.
i feel like such a burden to hang around. i dont understand why anthony puts up with me. im sure i havent been much fun to be with lately. but i thank God for him every day.
and i pray that my mom will be ok.
please God, let her be ok.
but here goes anyway, for the sake of old times.
my mom has cancer again. in four places. and its going to be a very difficult operation to perform. the doctor said he was surprised she was even alive now, that she should have died a long time ago...and im really scared for her, because shes been acting like she KNOWS shes not going to last very much longer. shes been spending so much more time with us and gets so emotional for the smallest things, she just wants to make us happy. ive been praying for her so hard. she cant leave us. i dont know what we would do without her. theyre operating her next wednesday, and i just pray everything goes well. i cant even imagine what would happen if we no longer had her. if things dont go well...i just hope she's been happy with her life. her life has been us, and its so hard now to look back on all of the fights weve had, all of the bad times and all of the crying. i want to make it all up to her, i want her to know that i love her and that shes the biggest part of my life. i need her. she cant leave us
thank God for anthony, hes the only one whos really been helping me through all of this and is ALWAYS there for me. if it werent for him...i dont know what id do. theres nobody else i can really run to, theres nobody else i can take my anger out on and at the end of the day they understand and theyre there to hold me and tell me itll be ok. i wish i knew why he cares so much about me, but i dont.
i also thank God for francisco, amanda, angie, lianne and everyone else whos been praying for her. you dont know how much that means to me.
i feel like im in 5th grade all over again. the loner that not many people paid attention to. i wish i had people at school i could call my best friends, but i dont. i wish i had people i could run to at school about my mom and how much this all hurts, but i dont. so i channel it all through my studying and i become that girl who always studies when she gets home, as a way to take her mind off of everything. i become that girl with nothing to say, because there is nothing to say. nothing really matters much anymore. the only thing i really spend time doing is studying. i guess ive become obcessed with my grades since they're a way to hide from everything. an alleviation. a "coping mechanism", in the words of freud.
i let it out at the weirdest times. i'll just....randomly be watching a movie with anthony and start bawling. i just dont know how to deal with this.
i feel like such a burden to hang around. i dont understand why anthony puts up with me. im sure i havent been much fun to be with lately. but i thank God for him every day.
and i pray that my mom will be ok.
please God, let her be ok.