The Trouble WIth Honesty
1. GONE FROM ME
My childhood/tiny pink fingernails and my innocence
my favorite scarf
the ability to rush in without thinking
my tie-dye jacket with the pink flecks of fire
my first pair of black leather gloves
permed hair on my own head
DR as home
my first crush
my first kiss
my first orgasm
my first best friend and her mouth
my mother's youth
access to old lovers like I had once
my grandmother
her hands
her breath
her mouth filled with stories of things I said when I was three
two
one
my heart encased in permeable membrane
knowing
that everything in the world I desired
would come
summer all year round
my brother, my sister
my father and his complexity
my second cousin who hurt me/my aunt who let him
nights without concern for tomorrow
water from a river I have known my whole life
the sea as a constant
warm breeze
love made on white-hot sand I don't have to pay to lie on
blue waters to wash the grit and exhaustion away
certainty for anything
my first home
my aunt
knowing the sound of her voice
the ability to tolerate bad sex
bad sex
lukewarm tongues in my mouth
on my belly
in my ear
the first man with whom I made music
faith without question
questions without faith
love without consequence
laughter without gratitude
gratitude without laughter
windows without walls
2. THOSE THAT REMAIN
a belief that no matter what happens
I will survive it
my favorite books
my grandmother's memory
her bible
my desire to give birth
my daughter
the ability to love in the face of calamity
small boxes of things that used to mean more
a love for large bodies of water
my mother's broken love
my brother's anger
his indifference
my sister's acceptance
the way she likes to twirl her small fingers in my hair
women I have loved recently
my stories
my heart
my hands
my red bag with the many pockets
my bed
a love of summer
my favorite sheets
an inclination to love myself
others
honest words
My childhood/tiny pink fingernails and my innocence
my favorite scarf
the ability to rush in without thinking
my tie-dye jacket with the pink flecks of fire
my first pair of black leather gloves
permed hair on my own head
DR as home
my first crush
my first kiss
my first orgasm
my first best friend and her mouth
my mother's youth
access to old lovers like I had once
my grandmother
her hands
her breath
her mouth filled with stories of things I said when I was three
two
one
my heart encased in permeable membrane
knowing
that everything in the world I desired
would come
summer all year round
my brother, my sister
my father and his complexity
my second cousin who hurt me/my aunt who let him
nights without concern for tomorrow
water from a river I have known my whole life
the sea as a constant
warm breeze
love made on white-hot sand I don't have to pay to lie on
blue waters to wash the grit and exhaustion away
certainty for anything
my first home
my aunt
knowing the sound of her voice
the ability to tolerate bad sex
bad sex
lukewarm tongues in my mouth
on my belly
in my ear
the first man with whom I made music
faith without question
questions without faith
love without consequence
laughter without gratitude
gratitude without laughter
windows without walls
2. THOSE THAT REMAIN
a belief that no matter what happens
I will survive it
my favorite books
my grandmother's memory
her bible
my desire to give birth
my daughter
the ability to love in the face of calamity
small boxes of things that used to mean more
a love for large bodies of water
my mother's broken love
my brother's anger
his indifference
my sister's acceptance
the way she likes to twirl her small fingers in my hair
women I have loved recently
my stories
my heart
my hands
my red bag with the many pockets
my bed
a love of summer
my favorite sheets
an inclination to love myself
others
honest words