First post!
Yay! This is my first entry at lj, it was hard to get a code. I asked hundreds of people and everyone either refused to give out codes to strangers or just didn't have any left. I finally found shippo who was kind enough to give me a code after answering some questions. :) Thank you so much!
Today I woke up at 5 pm, which I have done every day this last week. I don't know why my diurnal rhythm is so screwed up, I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind right now.
I've dropped out of school and I don't have a job, yet I somehow feel stressed out. I feel that I have to loose weight right NOW, I feel I have to have a VISA right now and I feel I have to let someone know that I care about him right this moment (even though that wouldn't be a smart thing to do).
I turn 18 in exact 18 days, and even though that's not old, I feel that I haven't done everything you suppose to do before you're 18. Do you know what I mean?
I have a fiance and we've been together for 2 years, we've lived together almost just as long. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way, but sometimes I feel like I've lost my youth. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision.
See we met on the net, at the time I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend and he knew my ex so he decided to have a party and invite me and my ex (without my ex knowing about it). As you may have figured out it turned out to be a disaster. I acted like a freak and ended up cutting myself. That sounds so immature now when I look back (but hey, I was 15 about to turn 16, so give me a break). My fiance comforted me and was really nice to me, got me to admit that my ex really wasn't all that and that he looked like a hobbit. ;) There was this other guy at the party too, my fiance's best friend. He was also really supportive and when everyone had left the party and there was only me, my friend, my fiance and his best friend there we had a blast! I didn't drink any alcohol the whole night, yet I almost felt drunk (in a good way) and his friend hit on me. Let's call him Bob, okay? ;) Well anyway, he asked me for a kiss but I didn't kiss him, because I still loved my ex (yes I was stupid). We all became friends, but I found out that Bob didn't live in the same city as me and my fiance so I was fast (too fast) to rule him out as boyfriend material.
This sounds like a mess, I know, but one thing lead to another and me and my fiance became a couple and I moved in with him. My fiance is a really sweet guy, and I do love him, don't get me wrong here.
I found out that Bob really is shy around girls in normal cases, that he never hits on girls because he is so shy. Why did he hit on me then? Why is he so uncomfortable around me now?
I just can't let go of the thought what if I didn't rule Bob out as boyfriend material, would things have been different? Does this make me a bad person? Am I just in a really early mid-life crisis? These thoughts make me so tired...
Today I woke up at 5 pm, which I have done every day this last week. I don't know why my diurnal rhythm is so screwed up, I guess it's because I have a lot on my mind right now.
I've dropped out of school and I don't have a job, yet I somehow feel stressed out. I feel that I have to loose weight right NOW, I feel I have to have a VISA right now and I feel I have to let someone know that I care about him right this moment (even though that wouldn't be a smart thing to do).
I turn 18 in exact 18 days, and even though that's not old, I feel that I haven't done everything you suppose to do before you're 18. Do you know what I mean?
I have a fiance and we've been together for 2 years, we've lived together almost just as long. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel this way, but sometimes I feel like I've lost my youth. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision.
See we met on the net, at the time I wasn't over my ex-boyfriend and he knew my ex so he decided to have a party and invite me and my ex (without my ex knowing about it). As you may have figured out it turned out to be a disaster. I acted like a freak and ended up cutting myself. That sounds so immature now when I look back (but hey, I was 15 about to turn 16, so give me a break). My fiance comforted me and was really nice to me, got me to admit that my ex really wasn't all that and that he looked like a hobbit. ;) There was this other guy at the party too, my fiance's best friend. He was also really supportive and when everyone had left the party and there was only me, my friend, my fiance and his best friend there we had a blast! I didn't drink any alcohol the whole night, yet I almost felt drunk (in a good way) and his friend hit on me. Let's call him Bob, okay? ;) Well anyway, he asked me for a kiss but I didn't kiss him, because I still loved my ex (yes I was stupid). We all became friends, but I found out that Bob didn't live in the same city as me and my fiance so I was fast (too fast) to rule him out as boyfriend material.
This sounds like a mess, I know, but one thing lead to another and me and my fiance became a couple and I moved in with him. My fiance is a really sweet guy, and I do love him, don't get me wrong here.
I found out that Bob really is shy around girls in normal cases, that he never hits on girls because he is so shy. Why did he hit on me then? Why is he so uncomfortable around me now?
I just can't let go of the thought what if I didn't rule Bob out as boyfriend material, would things have been different? Does this make me a bad person? Am I just in a really early mid-life crisis? These thoughts make me so tired...