Today is harder.
I feel worn thin. I want to go home so badly, but i realized that I can never go home again. Nothing will ever be the way I left it. Nothing will ever be that good for me again. At least not in rochester. Not in the same way. My family will treat me differently. I will either feel tied down, or have too much freedom. Now that I'm "growing up" and "Independent" I wont need them as much, and they wont need me. My friends will never be as close to me as we were when I left. Everyone is moving on, everyone is changing, everyone is sharing different experiences and moving in different directions now. It will be harder to find common ground again. Althought I'm sure I will still love them and be close with them, eventually we will grow apart. It is inevitable. My cat probably wont recognize me anymore and run away from me scared. I will be a stranger in my own home.
More and more I find myself in this position- In the middle, stuck in between. I am always leaving things and moving on to new places and people. New positions that I dont quite fit into. I have to change and grow into them, and I have to mature from where I was before. I dont want that anymore. I hate the way this feels. Soon I wont belong home, and I still dont belong here. My heart aches for the memories of the summer that flash in my mind everytime I close my eyes. I want to go back to those nights that I wasted, with people who were new to me, and spend them with the people who i truely love. I want to go back and use every ounce of the time i had instead of being sad and distracted. I'm eating my words. I wont ever plead to leave a place that i call home. and I wont ever wish for something other than what i had. Lies again.
I wish i could fix this, but i felt so dependent and attached to the people of my past. How can I do anything without them?
In four days I get to move forward yet again. Into the new life of someone from my past. My heart will be whole again for a weekend, but I wonder: Will I be able to savor the time that I have with my biff? or will I let my worry for our future get in the way. I will always think of you as someone that I love my dear. And I will always carry your heart in mine. No one, new or old, can take that from me. And no distance will every weaken the love that I have for you. I can promise that and mean it too.
<33
More and more I find myself in this position- In the middle, stuck in between. I am always leaving things and moving on to new places and people. New positions that I dont quite fit into. I have to change and grow into them, and I have to mature from where I was before. I dont want that anymore. I hate the way this feels. Soon I wont belong home, and I still dont belong here. My heart aches for the memories of the summer that flash in my mind everytime I close my eyes. I want to go back to those nights that I wasted, with people who were new to me, and spend them with the people who i truely love. I want to go back and use every ounce of the time i had instead of being sad and distracted. I'm eating my words. I wont ever plead to leave a place that i call home. and I wont ever wish for something other than what i had. Lies again.
I wish i could fix this, but i felt so dependent and attached to the people of my past. How can I do anything without them?
In four days I get to move forward yet again. Into the new life of someone from my past. My heart will be whole again for a weekend, but I wonder: Will I be able to savor the time that I have with my biff? or will I let my worry for our future get in the way. I will always think of you as someone that I love my dear. And I will always carry your heart in mine. No one, new or old, can take that from me. And no distance will every weaken the love that I have for you. I can promise that and mean it too.
<33