"Can I make love to your feet?"
Stress, depression and general hostility has me behaving in a way that's below me lately. I've had a terrible week, and I'm labeling it as just that. A terrible week that's now over. Everyone's allowed to have a down week and this has been mine. I'm back on target though.
AMANDA and LINDSEY. All three of us have been lashing out in an inappropriate manner for someone of our age. I'm sorry I lashed out at you like I did. I felt attacked and I responded in kind, and it wasn't the appropriate response. That being said - I have problems. I'm trying to deal with them, I'm trying to learn from them, and I'm trying to move on with my life. But where I'm at right now, I have problems. If you're willing to accept me as I -am-, encourage me to continue to better my life, and love me even when I have times that I can't, then please call me. I'm damn near always at the house, and even if you don't remember my cell number, I know you know my house number. At the very least, you can get it from Kristin. Anyways, if you decide to call me, I'd love to hear from you. We've all made mistakes in this whole situation, but if you wanna work to fix them, call me so we can talk face to face. Come over if you want (and can, I know it's not applicable for you, Amanda). There's a lot of my life that you guys have missed and you simply don't know about that I'd love to tell you about. And I wanna hear about your lives. But I wanna repeat this again - you have to be willing to accept me as I am. I know I'm a lot to deal with, but I really don't think that this is too much to ask for. On the other hand, if you decide that these terms are too much and you're not willing, then don't bother reading my journal or anything else anymore. Just delete me out of your life.
I had a dream last night that Kristine came over for like my birthday or something. She sat down on the couch and was talking to me for a minute, and evidently Lindsey was with her, but somehow I missed her walking into my house. She went straight to the bathroom, so I talked to Kristine for a minute until Lindsey came out. She tried to walk right by me and I kept trying to stop her to talk to me, and she wouldn't and I guess I snapped. I beat the shit out of her with a pan (more like a cookie sheet with edges I guess) until she stopped and we screamed for a second and then held each other and cried. I woke up believing for a moment that it really happened, until I had the realization that I wouldn't beat the shit out of Lindsey with a pan (I'd go for a pot, they make them stronger), which got me sad that it didn't really happen. Which is what more or less prompted this entry.
In other notes, I called Sarah a day or two ago and talked to her for like an hour. I'm not good at maintaining conversation on the phone, but it was really nice just to catch up with her.
Went to the beach a few days ago with Justin and Kristin and that was nice. I keeled out about 45 minutes before they did and just laid on the beach and tanned while they kept getting the shit beat out of them with the waves. All of us had a lot of fun, and it was nice to get out of the house.
In physical therapy, my steroids have finally worn out, and so everything's SO MUCH HARDER. Rhea keeps laughing at me because I've turned into a whiner in therapy. She's like "last week you were just busting through this stuff!" and I'm like "It's so haaaaaaaarrrrrrdddd!!!" Ugh. It's annoying, because while I KNOW it's because of the steroids, it didn't FEEL any different, so I feel like I've just regressed about two weeks worth of therapy. But at least I know why. I'd be pretty emu if I didn't know why I'd suddenly got terrible.
As for the other therapy... I haven't gone back yet, which is frustrating, but cheaper. I think the mood stabilizers MIGHT be working (still kinda too early to tell) because I feel like my mood swings have been... muted. I still have them, but it's a slower down instead of a crash. I'm hoping it IS the mood stabilizers doing that, because that means as I up my dosage, it should help. Now that I'm off of the steroids too I can see what she was saying about my Pristiq, and I think I agree with her that I need to change it, which is gonna be hella annoying, as changing medicines always is. But I feel like she knows a bit more about the medicine than my PCP (which only makes SENSE, yanno) because she's looking at what has and hasn't helped me and making judgments based on that, whereas he was just stabbing in the dark. But he did say that this WASN'T his field, and that's WHY he sent me to the psychiatrist.
Rob and Jenn are coming down to Bradenton next week to visit Rob's mom, so we're having like a mini-meet for Clan.. Rob and Jenn are gonna go drive down to Venice to pick up Amelia and meet me, Justin, Heather, and Ryan in Orlando. We're trying to come up with something cheap to do, which looks like we'll either be going to Downtown Disney or Universal City Walk or hanging out at Heather's playing Munchkins(!!!).
Well, I think that's all I got.
AMANDA and LINDSEY. All three of us have been lashing out in an inappropriate manner for someone of our age. I'm sorry I lashed out at you like I did. I felt attacked and I responded in kind, and it wasn't the appropriate response. That being said - I have problems. I'm trying to deal with them, I'm trying to learn from them, and I'm trying to move on with my life. But where I'm at right now, I have problems. If you're willing to accept me as I -am-, encourage me to continue to better my life, and love me even when I have times that I can't, then please call me. I'm damn near always at the house, and even if you don't remember my cell number, I know you know my house number. At the very least, you can get it from Kristin. Anyways, if you decide to call me, I'd love to hear from you. We've all made mistakes in this whole situation, but if you wanna work to fix them, call me so we can talk face to face. Come over if you want (and can, I know it's not applicable for you, Amanda). There's a lot of my life that you guys have missed and you simply don't know about that I'd love to tell you about. And I wanna hear about your lives. But I wanna repeat this again - you have to be willing to accept me as I am. I know I'm a lot to deal with, but I really don't think that this is too much to ask for. On the other hand, if you decide that these terms are too much and you're not willing, then don't bother reading my journal or anything else anymore. Just delete me out of your life.
I had a dream last night that Kristine came over for like my birthday or something. She sat down on the couch and was talking to me for a minute, and evidently Lindsey was with her, but somehow I missed her walking into my house. She went straight to the bathroom, so I talked to Kristine for a minute until Lindsey came out. She tried to walk right by me and I kept trying to stop her to talk to me, and she wouldn't and I guess I snapped. I beat the shit out of her with a pan (more like a cookie sheet with edges I guess) until she stopped and we screamed for a second and then held each other and cried. I woke up believing for a moment that it really happened, until I had the realization that I wouldn't beat the shit out of Lindsey with a pan (I'd go for a pot, they make them stronger), which got me sad that it didn't really happen. Which is what more or less prompted this entry.
In other notes, I called Sarah a day or two ago and talked to her for like an hour. I'm not good at maintaining conversation on the phone, but it was really nice just to catch up with her.
Went to the beach a few days ago with Justin and Kristin and that was nice. I keeled out about 45 minutes before they did and just laid on the beach and tanned while they kept getting the shit beat out of them with the waves. All of us had a lot of fun, and it was nice to get out of the house.
In physical therapy, my steroids have finally worn out, and so everything's SO MUCH HARDER. Rhea keeps laughing at me because I've turned into a whiner in therapy. She's like "last week you were just busting through this stuff!" and I'm like "It's so haaaaaaaarrrrrrdddd!!!" Ugh. It's annoying, because while I KNOW it's because of the steroids, it didn't FEEL any different, so I feel like I've just regressed about two weeks worth of therapy. But at least I know why. I'd be pretty emu if I didn't know why I'd suddenly got terrible.
As for the other therapy... I haven't gone back yet, which is frustrating, but cheaper. I think the mood stabilizers MIGHT be working (still kinda too early to tell) because I feel like my mood swings have been... muted. I still have them, but it's a slower down instead of a crash. I'm hoping it IS the mood stabilizers doing that, because that means as I up my dosage, it should help. Now that I'm off of the steroids too I can see what she was saying about my Pristiq, and I think I agree with her that I need to change it, which is gonna be hella annoying, as changing medicines always is. But I feel like she knows a bit more about the medicine than my PCP (which only makes SENSE, yanno) because she's looking at what has and hasn't helped me and making judgments based on that, whereas he was just stabbing in the dark. But he did say that this WASN'T his field, and that's WHY he sent me to the psychiatrist.
Rob and Jenn are coming down to Bradenton next week to visit Rob's mom, so we're having like a mini-meet for Clan.. Rob and Jenn are gonna go drive down to Venice to pick up Amelia and meet me, Justin, Heather, and Ryan in Orlando. We're trying to come up with something cheap to do, which looks like we'll either be going to Downtown Disney or Universal City Walk or hanging out at Heather's playing Munchkins(!!!).
Well, I think that's all I got.