Thoughts on swine flu, courtesy of Scrubs.
...Their attention is attracted by a news bulletin on the T.V.
Newscaster: With twenty-seven deaths so far, this strain of E. coli from tainted meat is quite serious. So if you’re a big meat-eater, be careful!
They all groan.
J.D.’s Narration: The reason we were upset was that every time the media reports on some weird health crisis, everyone who sees it thinks they have it.
Cut to...
HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS
J.D. and Elliot cautiously enter. The place is empty and peaceful.
Elliot: Oh, it’s not so bad. It’s only a few people here.
There’s a rumbling of the earth.
J.D. and Elliot tense up.
Outside, a stampede of concerned citizens swarm the hospital and flood in, surrounding J.D. and Elliot. The din of their pleas for attention are deafening.
Elliot climbs on a chair.
Elliot: OKAY, OKAY! EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
They quiet.
Elliot: Ahem. Thank you. Now, who’s first?
They all begin shouting and waving.
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, there’s always one positive when something like this happens.
Cut to...
WHELCHAIR RAMP
J.D. crowd surfs over the people.
J.D.: WOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOOO! I LOVE MEDICINE!
Whoa, grandma! That’s my no-fly zone. Ooh!
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
ADMISSIONS
J.D. and Elliot have somewhat organized the mob as Dr. Cox enters.
Elliot: Uh, Dr. Cox! We are having a bit of a crisis here.
Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit.
J.D. and Elliot look at each other and notice that they have in fact both dressed in the same olive long-sleeved tee and navy scrubs.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, if it’s of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
Elliot: No, I’m talking about-- [Laughs, flattered.] Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Sure.
J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax, I’ve been involved in every ridiculous T.V.-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you’re actually fornicating with the animal it’s named for.
And as a parting gift, I will tell you this: Narrow it down to two symptoms -- vomiting and diarrhea. Because it’s just not E. coli unless it’s firing out both exits.
He continues in.
J.D.: [Under breath] I sure hope I don’t have dog flu.
Newscaster: With twenty-seven deaths so far, this strain of E. coli from tainted meat is quite serious. So if you’re a big meat-eater, be careful!
They all groan.
J.D.’s Narration: The reason we were upset was that every time the media reports on some weird health crisis, everyone who sees it thinks they have it.
Cut to...
HOSPITAL -- ADMISSIONS
J.D. and Elliot cautiously enter. The place is empty and peaceful.
Elliot: Oh, it’s not so bad. It’s only a few people here.
There’s a rumbling of the earth.
J.D. and Elliot tense up.
Outside, a stampede of concerned citizens swarm the hospital and flood in, surrounding J.D. and Elliot. The din of their pleas for attention are deafening.
Elliot climbs on a chair.
Elliot: OKAY, OKAY! EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
They quiet.
Elliot: Ahem. Thank you. Now, who’s first?
They all begin shouting and waving.
J.D.’s Narration: Of course, there’s always one positive when something like this happens.
Cut to...
WHELCHAIR RAMP
J.D. crowd surfs over the people.
J.D.: WOOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOHOOHOOHOOOO! I LOVE MEDICINE!
Whoa, grandma! That’s my no-fly zone. Ooh!
===
OPENING THEME
COMMERCIALS
===
ADMISSIONS
J.D. and Elliot have somewhat organized the mob as Dr. Cox enters.
Elliot: Uh, Dr. Cox! We are having a bit of a crisis here.
Dr. Cox: I see that. It seems you two have worn the same outfit.
J.D. and Elliot look at each other and notice that they have in fact both dressed in the same olive long-sleeved tee and navy scrubs.
Dr. Cox: Barbie, if it’s of any consolation, it looks slightly better on you.
Elliot: No, I’m talking about-- [Laughs, flattered.] Thank you.
Dr. Cox: Sure.
J.D.: What the hell are we supposed to do?
Dr. Cox: Loretta, relax, I’ve been involved in every ridiculous T.V.-induced panic there is. Poison pills, SARS, West Nile, North Face, South Fork, East River, monkeypox, pop rocks, toilet snakes, mad cow, bird flu, swine flu, and, quite frankly, every other flu that you could really only catch if you’re actually fornicating with the animal it’s named for.
And as a parting gift, I will tell you this: Narrow it down to two symptoms -- vomiting and diarrhea. Because it’s just not E. coli unless it’s firing out both exits.
He continues in.
J.D.: [Under breath] I sure hope I don’t have dog flu.