An explanation.
This is probably the first and last time I'll wanna talk about this in this kind of detail in a blog format, so I apologize if I sound like I'm whining, or ranting, or repeating myself, but I need and want to get it all out of my system now and answer any questions anyone might want to ask me. Then I'm done.
I'm taking a semester off. This one.
This is the last thing I want to do, but at this point, it's all I can do, and even Chris, the stick-to-it-ive-ness master, has agreed it's the best thing for me right now.
I've tried to hide it, but on top of my migraines, I've also been having anxiety and insomnia problems. Over the summer it wasn't so bad, I was alone most of the time and could deal with it when and how I needed to. I only occasionally had to blow off friends or run low on sleep, because I could reschedule things to my pleasure. If I had a headache, if I was feeling bad, or if I just had no energy, I probably said something like, how's two days from now sound, and two days from now was okay. Now that I'm being forced back into a schedule, I simply cannot deal. I've tried to be as strong as I possibly can be, but most days, I wake up a few minutes before the alarm, and I stare at the clock. I stare at the clock and think about getting out of bed. And I can't. It's not like I feel like, what's the point. I know the point. I need to get up and go to school so I can learn things and pass and get good grades and get on with my life and that sounds great, and I keep staring at the clock and not moving.
I used to be one of those people who would lay in bed until the last possible minute; if I absolutely need to be up at eight, I would lay in bed at 7:58 and think, oh, I'll stay home today. 7:59, oh, I'll stay home today. 8:00, I'm up. Where are my socks. It's cold in here. How fast can I make coffee. Now it's 7:58, I'll stay home. 7:59, I can't get out of bed. 8:00, it doesn't matter. 8:01, welp, I guess that's it. 12:30, when was the last time I ate?
I need to get myself out of this bad place. I applied for health insurance tonight, since my father never told me until I started complaining of my migraines that he had declined the health insurance his company was offering him since it was too expensive. But I'm getting the state's health insurance, which is gonna take at least a month to go through. But at least I'm getting started.
I apologize if I sound like a whiny bitch, but trust me, I sound like one to myself too. This is so hard for me to do. I mean, I never liked going to school, but it was always something I did. I skipped the days I knew I would be okay skipping. Took mental health days here and there, and stayed home when I was sick. But I liked to go, I loved to learn, and it gave me something to do all day, it pushed me forward in my life. Now I feel like I've hit such a road block. I cannot get myself moving. My heart starts pounding and my hands start shaking and my head starts hurting every time I have to think about leaving the house on my own. I know my classes are easy, but I know I'm going to do irreparable damage to my grades - and ultimately my QPA - if I try to just "stick it out". I know I'm gonna try and force myself to get up on days when I really know I can't, I'm gonna get to school, I'm gonna sit in class, clutch my head, pop Excedrin, and bail before the end of the day. Half the time, I don't even know why. I just know I need to get home, and I need to get under the covers, and be alone in my little cocoon. Sitting in class, I'm so anxious, so antsy, I can't even pay attention. I'm constantly worrying about the class, the rest of the day, what if I miss the bus, and a thousand other things that I would normally worry about but now seem to carry so much weight it's hard for me to shut them up. And I know the next day, I'll be so scared to go through it again, and I'll stay home. I'm not willing to damage my grades because I'm too ignorant to sit down and say to myself, Hey. Did it ever occur to you that you might need help?
And I hate it. I hate needing help. Ask Chris. He offers to do the dishes for me and I practically fly off of the handle. I can help myself; that's the way I've always been. And even now, I'm sitting here thinking, this is fucking ridiculous. Don't even post this. Get to bed. Wake up tomorrow, go to class, fucking shut up, and try to heal the damage you've already done to your grades. Don't do this. You're a moron. So many people have so many bigger problems and this is what you're choosing to do? That's what I sound like to myself.
But I know if I go try to lay down, I'm gonna lay in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. All these thoughts race inside my head and sometimes it takes more than an hour. Sometimes two. Sometimes I never fall asleep at all. I just lay there, thinking. And by morning, I don't want to get up anymore. And we're back in the cycle. Lack of sleep means migraines means anxiety means migraines means lack of sleep means anxiety means migraines means anxiety means lack of sleep and it goes on forever.
So, to avoid permanently damaging my grades and thereby my chance of getting into grad school, and to avoid making a public spectacle of myself and my problems, I'm going to take this semester off and talk to some people. Hopefully it only takes until January and I'll be back on track as soon as I can. Four months is not a long time, but I hope to god it's long enough to become the functioning person I used to be.
I'm sorry if this seems really sudden. This isn't even the half of it, but I didn't intend for this to be a bitch-rant. Just an explanation. If you wanna talk to me in private, that's cool. I'm open to talking. If you want me to shut the hell up and just deal with my problems and get on with it, that's cool too. I just thought I would give everyone a heads-up as well as a half-decent explanation as to what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Just please don't message me all, "OMG ARE YOU OKAY WHAT THE HELL TALK TO ME WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ARE YOU SERIOUS IS IT REALLY THAT BAD." Because that's pretty much the constant string of thoughts that already runs through my head, and I'm not sure I have any answers yet.
And also, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth. If you still wanna hang out or get together, that would probably even be good for me. It'll get me out of the house to somewhere that doesn't involve tongue depressors and stethoscopes. I'm still here, I'm still human. I'll still blog and be annoying and be an internet stalker. I'm just a little off-kilter right now, and it's seriously affecting my 'professional' life, and after a lot of thinking and talking, I'm doing something about it. And I'll be back.
You mark my words.
I'll be back.
:)
I'm taking a semester off. This one.
This is the last thing I want to do, but at this point, it's all I can do, and even Chris, the stick-to-it-ive-ness master, has agreed it's the best thing for me right now.
I've tried to hide it, but on top of my migraines, I've also been having anxiety and insomnia problems. Over the summer it wasn't so bad, I was alone most of the time and could deal with it when and how I needed to. I only occasionally had to blow off friends or run low on sleep, because I could reschedule things to my pleasure. If I had a headache, if I was feeling bad, or if I just had no energy, I probably said something like, how's two days from now sound, and two days from now was okay. Now that I'm being forced back into a schedule, I simply cannot deal. I've tried to be as strong as I possibly can be, but most days, I wake up a few minutes before the alarm, and I stare at the clock. I stare at the clock and think about getting out of bed. And I can't. It's not like I feel like, what's the point. I know the point. I need to get up and go to school so I can learn things and pass and get good grades and get on with my life and that sounds great, and I keep staring at the clock and not moving.
I used to be one of those people who would lay in bed until the last possible minute; if I absolutely need to be up at eight, I would lay in bed at 7:58 and think, oh, I'll stay home today. 7:59, oh, I'll stay home today. 8:00, I'm up. Where are my socks. It's cold in here. How fast can I make coffee. Now it's 7:58, I'll stay home. 7:59, I can't get out of bed. 8:00, it doesn't matter. 8:01, welp, I guess that's it. 12:30, when was the last time I ate?
I need to get myself out of this bad place. I applied for health insurance tonight, since my father never told me until I started complaining of my migraines that he had declined the health insurance his company was offering him since it was too expensive. But I'm getting the state's health insurance, which is gonna take at least a month to go through. But at least I'm getting started.
I apologize if I sound like a whiny bitch, but trust me, I sound like one to myself too. This is so hard for me to do. I mean, I never liked going to school, but it was always something I did. I skipped the days I knew I would be okay skipping. Took mental health days here and there, and stayed home when I was sick. But I liked to go, I loved to learn, and it gave me something to do all day, it pushed me forward in my life. Now I feel like I've hit such a road block. I cannot get myself moving. My heart starts pounding and my hands start shaking and my head starts hurting every time I have to think about leaving the house on my own. I know my classes are easy, but I know I'm going to do irreparable damage to my grades - and ultimately my QPA - if I try to just "stick it out". I know I'm gonna try and force myself to get up on days when I really know I can't, I'm gonna get to school, I'm gonna sit in class, clutch my head, pop Excedrin, and bail before the end of the day. Half the time, I don't even know why. I just know I need to get home, and I need to get under the covers, and be alone in my little cocoon. Sitting in class, I'm so anxious, so antsy, I can't even pay attention. I'm constantly worrying about the class, the rest of the day, what if I miss the bus, and a thousand other things that I would normally worry about but now seem to carry so much weight it's hard for me to shut them up. And I know the next day, I'll be so scared to go through it again, and I'll stay home. I'm not willing to damage my grades because I'm too ignorant to sit down and say to myself, Hey. Did it ever occur to you that you might need help?
And I hate it. I hate needing help. Ask Chris. He offers to do the dishes for me and I practically fly off of the handle. I can help myself; that's the way I've always been. And even now, I'm sitting here thinking, this is fucking ridiculous. Don't even post this. Get to bed. Wake up tomorrow, go to class, fucking shut up, and try to heal the damage you've already done to your grades. Don't do this. You're a moron. So many people have so many bigger problems and this is what you're choosing to do? That's what I sound like to myself.
But I know if I go try to lay down, I'm gonna lay in bed for hours, unable to fall asleep. All these thoughts race inside my head and sometimes it takes more than an hour. Sometimes two. Sometimes I never fall asleep at all. I just lay there, thinking. And by morning, I don't want to get up anymore. And we're back in the cycle. Lack of sleep means migraines means anxiety means migraines means lack of sleep means anxiety means migraines means anxiety means lack of sleep and it goes on forever.
So, to avoid permanently damaging my grades and thereby my chance of getting into grad school, and to avoid making a public spectacle of myself and my problems, I'm going to take this semester off and talk to some people. Hopefully it only takes until January and I'll be back on track as soon as I can. Four months is not a long time, but I hope to god it's long enough to become the functioning person I used to be.
I'm sorry if this seems really sudden. This isn't even the half of it, but I didn't intend for this to be a bitch-rant. Just an explanation. If you wanna talk to me in private, that's cool. I'm open to talking. If you want me to shut the hell up and just deal with my problems and get on with it, that's cool too. I just thought I would give everyone a heads-up as well as a half-decent explanation as to what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. Just please don't message me all, "OMG ARE YOU OKAY WHAT THE HELL TALK TO ME WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ARE YOU SERIOUS IS IT REALLY THAT BAD." Because that's pretty much the constant string of thoughts that already runs through my head, and I'm not sure I have any answers yet.
And also, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth. If you still wanna hang out or get together, that would probably even be good for me. It'll get me out of the house to somewhere that doesn't involve tongue depressors and stethoscopes. I'm still here, I'm still human. I'll still blog and be annoying and be an internet stalker. I'm just a little off-kilter right now, and it's seriously affecting my 'professional' life, and after a lot of thinking and talking, I'm doing something about it. And I'll be back.
You mark my words.
I'll be back.
:)