In which I fix Advent Children
I've been watching my sister play VII and it's been filling me with so many VII-related feelings, which is probably going to lead to a string of VII-related entries, starting with:
What annoys me most about the compilation is that it didn't have to suck. It's like they decided to forego the editing process completely or made a conscious decision to execute everything as stupidly as possible. I cannot understand why this is so. It would not even take that much effort to fix. I can keep most of their dumbass plot elements and manage to make it look good on paper.
2 years after meteorfall and everyone is getting on with their lives, or trying to, at least. Shinra's fallen apart, though the Turks are still kicking around, but they aren't working for Rufus seeing as how he's fucking dead. Geostigma is the trouble du jour, a new form of mako poisoning that manifests mostly in people who have been exposed to Jenova cells and many who were in the Midgar area during meteorfall. Children who were in the area at the time are particularly susceptible, make up a large chunk of victims, and tend to have the nastiest cases. Cloud himself is afflicted, which most of know friends know on account of having pattern-recognition skills, though he has been hiding the worst of it from them. He's also been having difficulty readjusting to normal life - no guilt complex, but coming off of a huge identity crisis having fulfilled his only meaningful goal has left him listless and anomic. He's managed, but the illness has been advancing and exacerbating the problem.
The baddies: Sephiroth clones (ugh, 3 is so unnecessary) who survived the events of the game and have since lost their human identities. Being dead and crazy and mostly diffused and all, the direct possession thing isn't working so well for Sephiroth, so instead the clones manifest as fragmented pieces of Sephiroth's consciousness, and this clear directional backstory makes them wholly better executed than the current incarnations of Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz. Anyway, they're looking to use the Reunion principle to come back together as Sephiroth (mom's orders, idk) because they themselves are comparatively weak, and since the fusion dance didn't work, they're looking for a large mass of her cells to help them out. Specifically, they want her head, but it's missing. The Turks were the last known possessors, but cloneboys are harassing Cloud as well, just for good measure.
Some shit goes down, the whereabouts of Jenova's head cannot be beaten out of anybody, and cloneboys decide they are going to kidnap ALL THE CHILDRENS - but this time they have a reason! Once they've made off with the little brats, it's revealed that the kids with bad geostigma actually have Jenova cells in them, an infection that was carried by the lifestream when it popped on out of the earth. Since the kids picked it up young, that shit has been incubating, and it's what causes their Geostigma and makes their cases particularly nasty. Basically, they're like Sephiroth clones diet (TM), and Kadaj wants to pop open all those child-shaped little cans and chug. Most of the plot revolves around retrieving these kids seeing as how the fucking movie is called Advent Children, Christ, this part should make sense and maybe get a little more screentime, fucking Bahamut didn't even need to be there.
Anyway, Jenova's head resurfaces, maybe Tseng took Rufus' role for the purpose of the movie, whatever, IDC. Turks are revealed to have been working for Reeve because he pays them good monayz and they hid it on his orders. Elena does a perfectly good job of subbing in for Rufus and shoots it in midair or something, again, IDRC, but they can go have that motorcycle chase because that was totally fine. Anyway, they get a hold of her head and then all of a sudden it's FUUUUUSION-HA between all three of them.
Sephiroth shows up and he's all like "Ohai bb, my parasitic Jenova DNA is the cancer that is killing this planet, oh and BTW I infected the lifestream right before I kicked it and now the planet's rotting from the inside out, though Shinra did half the work for me lol" and Cloud is like "Wow, I really missed being completely and totally consumed with thoughts of kicking your ass" and there's a fight scene. A taunt-free fight scene where Sephiroth keeps his fucking mouth shut rather than spouting homoerotic innuendo like he's channeling ansemaru (I HAD TO SORRY RAMEN ILU ♥ ). The part where Zack shows up to babble moronic encouragement about SOLDIER gets cut, since he has since traveled through the lifestream and become a tree - instead, another brief psychic telegraph from Aeris, who is like "Yeah, about that lifestream thing, he's been such a shit disturber, but I bet if you kicked his ass I could do something about it, here have some Fury Brand~"
Anyway, Cloud proceeds to kick his ass and as it turns out she totally CAN do something about it. Kadaj death scene and great gospeling stays intact. I think the part where he gets shot is fucking stupid but I guess there isn't anything inherently wrong with it so whatevs, just leave it as it is from there on in. Aeris shows up at the end and is like "Lol, if you listened to Tifa more often you'd have way fewer problems, later~" and then it's THEEEEE END.
Oh my God, did you actually read all that? Well, anyway, I barely changed anything and for the most part it makes sense within the parameters of the universe. Like some parts are still stupid and unclear such as the physical-spiritual divide in the lifestream, but like, it's stupid in a way that is consistent with the stupidity that was already established. Stripping things down makes me go "Oh, hey, it's pretty cool that they incorporated Jenova's head and that virus from a million years ago," but then I might make the mistake of going to watch it again and it would be just as earthshatteringly stupid as it was before, which is sad.
I just. Why did they not make a good movie. I can't understand it. The only possible explanation is that they thought what they had was good and that's the conclusion I've had for years but I just cannot fucking grasp it.
I think the last time I said that Nomura upped the ante and made Crisis Core. Sob.
What annoys me most about the compilation is that it didn't have to suck. It's like they decided to forego the editing process completely or made a conscious decision to execute everything as stupidly as possible. I cannot understand why this is so. It would not even take that much effort to fix. I can keep most of their dumbass plot elements and manage to make it look good on paper.
2 years after meteorfall and everyone is getting on with their lives, or trying to, at least. Shinra's fallen apart, though the Turks are still kicking around, but they aren't working for Rufus seeing as how he's fucking dead. Geostigma is the trouble du jour, a new form of mako poisoning that manifests mostly in people who have been exposed to Jenova cells and many who were in the Midgar area during meteorfall. Children who were in the area at the time are particularly susceptible, make up a large chunk of victims, and tend to have the nastiest cases. Cloud himself is afflicted, which most of know friends know on account of having pattern-recognition skills, though he has been hiding the worst of it from them. He's also been having difficulty readjusting to normal life - no guilt complex, but coming off of a huge identity crisis having fulfilled his only meaningful goal has left him listless and anomic. He's managed, but the illness has been advancing and exacerbating the problem.
The baddies: Sephiroth clones (ugh, 3 is so unnecessary) who survived the events of the game and have since lost their human identities. Being dead and crazy and mostly diffused and all, the direct possession thing isn't working so well for Sephiroth, so instead the clones manifest as fragmented pieces of Sephiroth's consciousness, and this clear directional backstory makes them wholly better executed than the current incarnations of Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz. Anyway, they're looking to use the Reunion principle to come back together as Sephiroth (mom's orders, idk) because they themselves are comparatively weak, and since the fusion dance didn't work, they're looking for a large mass of her cells to help them out. Specifically, they want her head, but it's missing. The Turks were the last known possessors, but cloneboys are harassing Cloud as well, just for good measure.
Some shit goes down, the whereabouts of Jenova's head cannot be beaten out of anybody, and cloneboys decide they are going to kidnap ALL THE CHILDRENS - but this time they have a reason! Once they've made off with the little brats, it's revealed that the kids with bad geostigma actually have Jenova cells in them, an infection that was carried by the lifestream when it popped on out of the earth. Since the kids picked it up young, that shit has been incubating, and it's what causes their Geostigma and makes their cases particularly nasty. Basically, they're like Sephiroth clones diet (TM), and Kadaj wants to pop open all those child-shaped little cans and chug. Most of the plot revolves around retrieving these kids seeing as how the fucking movie is called Advent Children, Christ, this part should make sense and maybe get a little more screentime, fucking Bahamut didn't even need to be there.
Anyway, Jenova's head resurfaces, maybe Tseng took Rufus' role for the purpose of the movie, whatever, IDC. Turks are revealed to have been working for Reeve because he pays them good monayz and they hid it on his orders. Elena does a perfectly good job of subbing in for Rufus and shoots it in midair or something, again, IDRC, but they can go have that motorcycle chase because that was totally fine. Anyway, they get a hold of her head and then all of a sudden it's FUUUUUSION-HA between all three of them.
Sephiroth shows up and he's all like "Ohai bb, my parasitic Jenova DNA is the cancer that is killing this planet, oh and BTW I infected the lifestream right before I kicked it and now the planet's rotting from the inside out, though Shinra did half the work for me lol" and Cloud is like "Wow, I really missed being completely and totally consumed with thoughts of kicking your ass" and there's a fight scene. A taunt-free fight scene where Sephiroth keeps his fucking mouth shut rather than spouting homoerotic innuendo like he's channeling ansemaru (I HAD TO SORRY RAMEN ILU ♥ ). The part where Zack shows up to babble moronic encouragement about SOLDIER gets cut, since he has since traveled through the lifestream and become a tree - instead, another brief psychic telegraph from Aeris, who is like "Yeah, about that lifestream thing, he's been such a shit disturber, but I bet if you kicked his ass I could do something about it, here have some Fury Brand~"
Anyway, Cloud proceeds to kick his ass and as it turns out she totally CAN do something about it. Kadaj death scene and great gospeling stays intact. I think the part where he gets shot is fucking stupid but I guess there isn't anything inherently wrong with it so whatevs, just leave it as it is from there on in. Aeris shows up at the end and is like "Lol, if you listened to Tifa more often you'd have way fewer problems, later~" and then it's THEEEEE END.
Oh my God, did you actually read all that? Well, anyway, I barely changed anything and for the most part it makes sense within the parameters of the universe. Like some parts are still stupid and unclear such as the physical-spiritual divide in the lifestream, but like, it's stupid in a way that is consistent with the stupidity that was already established. Stripping things down makes me go "Oh, hey, it's pretty cool that they incorporated Jenova's head and that virus from a million years ago," but then I might make the mistake of going to watch it again and it would be just as earthshatteringly stupid as it was before, which is sad.
I just. Why did they not make a good movie. I can't understand it. The only possible explanation is that they thought what they had was good and that's the conclusion I've had for years but I just cannot fucking grasp it.
I think the last time I said that Nomura upped the ante and made Crisis Core. Sob.