Emotions, Logic and the Voice of Addiction
Well, I'm too damn lazy to write all this out, so I'm just going to copy what I sent a couple friends a message about. It's just been one of those days today and i'm hoping posting this on my LJ will help me settle down a bit and get some much needed sleep. Remember, I'm a recovering addict, so keep that in mind while reading/replying to this. Here it is:
So, it's 1:40am and I should really be in bed, but I can't sleep. Everytime I lay down, I keep thinking about what happened this afternoon, and I guess I just need to tell someone who understands me, and won't scold me for feeling this way. First off, I'm afraid I need to make you guys sort of puke and let you in on a little fact that I haven't told you about me yet. I'm 10w4d pregnant right now. I'll be 11wks on Wednesday. By this point with Darren, I had gained 4lbs, and I still had 20lbs to lose from Hannah. I blame the bed rest for that particular 70lb weight gain. In reality, while on I was on bed rest and couldn't exercise for 12 weeks, I was doing more of that literal eating for two. You know, 2,500 cal. for me and 1,000 cal for the baby. 3,500 a day. Also (don't hate for this, I really do love her, but I was a very sick addict at the time) I was not clinically anorexic at the time, but during the pregnancy, I could still be considered a practicing bulimic. I've been free from my eating disorders for just over 3yrs and clean of drugs for just over 4 years. Anyway, right now, I'm still 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight with Darren. In case that sentence confused you guys, that means I'm 5lbs lighter now than I was before I got pregnant with Darren. I've gained a pound so far. Don't worry, Tara (OB) and a couple midwives had a royal snit all over me the last time they saw me. As such, I've been conciously trying not to over restrict my food. Now, in my addicted brain that translates to, I'm gonna get fat and Matt will leave me. He reminds me that's just the addiction talking, but that addiction was talking REALLY loud today.
We went to the mall with Kasey and the kids this afternoon to do a little shopping for Hannah's birthday. She pointed out a black 2008 Dodge Ram "that she wants" (Matt has taught the little booger well) for her birthday. lmao She also pointed out legit things that she has a snowballs chance in hell of getting. Anyway, we went to the food court for lunch, and Matt and I had Subway while the kids had pizza. God I wanted a bite of that pizza; but I couldn't make myself ask them to share with me and Skippy. Well, on a Saturday in this town, everyone either goes to the mall, flea market (it hit 110 today), or, this weekend, the boat and RV show. Well, since it was so hot, the damn mall was PACKED!! Sometimes I have issues eating in front of people (Matt and the kids included) still, and today it was REALLY bad! I took two bites and I was done. Whiel the others finished, I went into the bathroom and cried. I felt like every one at the food court was looking at me, and taking note of every bite I took and how big I already am. I'm told I hardly show at all, but in my head, everyone is just saying that to make me happy.
My rational brain knows that all those feelings aren't true. Matt loves me, he's not going to leave me, I'm not fat and everyone isn't looking at me. My emotional brain has NO clue of that reality. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening!
So, it's 1:40am and I should really be in bed, but I can't sleep. Everytime I lay down, I keep thinking about what happened this afternoon, and I guess I just need to tell someone who understands me, and won't scold me for feeling this way. First off, I'm afraid I need to make you guys sort of puke and let you in on a little fact that I haven't told you about me yet. I'm 10w4d pregnant right now. I'll be 11wks on Wednesday. By this point with Darren, I had gained 4lbs, and I still had 20lbs to lose from Hannah. I blame the bed rest for that particular 70lb weight gain. In reality, while on I was on bed rest and couldn't exercise for 12 weeks, I was doing more of that literal eating for two. You know, 2,500 cal. for me and 1,000 cal for the baby. 3,500 a day. Also (don't hate for this, I really do love her, but I was a very sick addict at the time) I was not clinically anorexic at the time, but during the pregnancy, I could still be considered a practicing bulimic. I've been free from my eating disorders for just over 3yrs and clean of drugs for just over 4 years. Anyway, right now, I'm still 5lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight with Darren. In case that sentence confused you guys, that means I'm 5lbs lighter now than I was before I got pregnant with Darren. I've gained a pound so far. Don't worry, Tara (OB) and a couple midwives had a royal snit all over me the last time they saw me. As such, I've been conciously trying not to over restrict my food. Now, in my addicted brain that translates to, I'm gonna get fat and Matt will leave me. He reminds me that's just the addiction talking, but that addiction was talking REALLY loud today.
We went to the mall with Kasey and the kids this afternoon to do a little shopping for Hannah's birthday. She pointed out a black 2008 Dodge Ram "that she wants" (Matt has taught the little booger well) for her birthday. lmao She also pointed out legit things that she has a snowballs chance in hell of getting. Anyway, we went to the food court for lunch, and Matt and I had Subway while the kids had pizza. God I wanted a bite of that pizza; but I couldn't make myself ask them to share with me and Skippy. Well, on a Saturday in this town, everyone either goes to the mall, flea market (it hit 110 today), or, this weekend, the boat and RV show. Well, since it was so hot, the damn mall was PACKED!! Sometimes I have issues eating in front of people (Matt and the kids included) still, and today it was REALLY bad! I took two bites and I was done. Whiel the others finished, I went into the bathroom and cried. I felt like every one at the food court was looking at me, and taking note of every bite I took and how big I already am. I'm told I hardly show at all, but in my head, everyone is just saying that to make me happy.
My rational brain knows that all those feelings aren't true. Matt loves me, he's not going to leave me, I'm not fat and everyone isn't looking at me. My emotional brain has NO clue of that reality. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening!