How Conviniently...
The panic is slowly settling in. Time is ticking, its note striking a chord against my life. TIME IS TICKING. Im 21 I'm young and yet not. I feel like I'm wasting time, wasting time doing all these foolish, selfish endeavors that I insist in calling "life". Most of my friends did the right thing, went off to a 4 year university, did the degree, is coming back home to live with the parents and save the money till they find the job they want. It's been 4 years since high school.. and yet I'm still struggling to finish my first two years for my associates. I don't even know what career I want to pursue. I'm wasting time, money in going against my family, in following what I think is the right thing. But I havent accomplished much have I. I have the apartment, the space I want, so desperately needed, I have the job that pays the rent.. There's the pressure to be skinny, the pressure to finish school, to get a well paying career, to be healthy, to do the right thing, there's the pressure to stay afloat, to make the money, to make more money, to save the money, to be stylish and skimpish, to pay the bills on time to be successful to be successful at work at school with relationships with the family to reestablish ties- ties that are probably too broken to even be attempted in reconnecting. to be the good daughter, sister, aunt, lover, friend. to be a friend to friends that arent really friends. everyone wants something. what do you want? is it easier to make everyone else happy but yourself?
If I was smart and good and pure i would have stayed with my mother. be one with the family. lived with her until i finished my degree, until I figured out what i wanted. I wouldn't think of a future with someone im not sure would even last till next month. I should have stayed with my mother saved money given her money helped her out and.. then what.then fucking what.
But that's not the path I've chosen is it. Selfish fucking girl. Now I have 6 months to finish my AA and then figure out what the fuck I want to do with the rest of my life.
No pressure.
If I was smart and good and pure i would have stayed with my mother. be one with the family. lived with her until i finished my degree, until I figured out what i wanted. I wouldn't think of a future with someone im not sure would even last till next month. I should have stayed with my mother saved money given her money helped her out and.. then what.then fucking what.
But that's not the path I've chosen is it. Selfish fucking girl. Now I have 6 months to finish my AA and then figure out what the fuck I want to do with the rest of my life.
No pressure.