Onward!
Would I be able to do it? Pack up and leave everything I know? The heat of Miami, the humidity, the beach, the familiar trace of the buildings, my job, my guyfriend, my family- that even after all these hard years and all the harsh words are still-family. Would I be able to start a new life?
I'd like to think so. Am I strong enough? And an even more important question- why? Why do I want to do this? For a new city, for new opportunities, for another school, for new experiences, for a chance at something big. For the guyfriend? partially maybe. I wont admit it to him though. That if I can, if it works out, I will be in the city he loves so much. Either way, any hope that we will work out will stay with me, and besides we both have our seperate lives. He will move to another city, and in my hopes- so will I. I've told him, life isn't like a John Cusack movie where he follows Diane to France because all he wants to do is make her happy. Or a Natalie Portman movie where her guyfriend stays in New Jersey because he loves her. Any admittance of my weakness is not something I'm willing to do. As nice as movies and books are, they are not real life and any interaction with them is just to escape from life, for a bit at least. Until your cat is spewing with kittens, or the phone rings and your mother is calling you for a favor, or that test you're supposed to be studying for suddenly knaws at your conscious. In any case, essentially, at the core- I am vulnerable. Vulnerability that I wont show as a choice and can only be seen, felt, with a gentle kiss, or a small act of kindness that undoes me.
Doubt is setting in. But only because Time is moving so fast and soon enough I need to act, move forward, do something in order to advance or stay in the same cycle with the same mindless people.
I was twelve when my mother remarried and my sister moved to Brasil. Both events changed me irrevocably. Will me moving change my niece? Communication is the key.
I want to end with something positive besides all the things that are troubling my mind. But all I can think of now is the trail mix thats waiting for me.