(no subject)
I've always been good at waiting. Waiting comes naturally to me. I wait for the pills to kick in, I wait for the silverware to soak, I wait for the rain to wash the bird shit of my windshield, I wait for my unemployment check in the mail, I wait for the phone to ring, I wait for my chance to be the strong one, I wait for my day in the sun, I wait for my big breakthrough--I sit quietly waiting for my turn to live. Or am I just waiting to die, deluding myself the whole time into believing something great is going to happen for me any day now?
When I was a child I just knew I was destined for greatness. I was going to show anyone who ever doubted me. I had it in me. And what did I think was going to happen? Like some unstoppable force, I was just going to triumphantly erupt one day with brilliance and power? What the fuck?
Nothing happens while you wait on the sidelines except waiting on the sidelines.
The first time I rode a roller coaster, I was so scared that I clenched my eyes shut tight and held on for dear life and no matter how many twists and turns we took, I never opened my eyes or loosened my grip. I was terrified. Had I just opened my eyes, thrown my arms up, and shouted excitedly like everyone else, I might have enjoyed it. But I didn't. This is my life.
I am scared to get off the bench, so I create delusions disguised as dreams and aspirations, and as long as I have those fantasies, it's okay for me to stay on the bench for now.
But it's not okay. How many times does something have to be presented directly before me until I get it? I have these realizations all the time, and I just put them away, store for later. This is fucking it. This moment right here. This is fucking it, there is no later.
So I have paralyzing fear. What the fuck else is new?
If I fall down a thousand times, it will be worth it every time because at least I was off the bench. Fuck the bench. I have to pick up my fear-ridden ass and try, or I will die in this god forsaken state of arrested development. This can't be my life anymore.
It's so easy to stick my head back in the sand, in our culture of diversion escapism comes so easily. I can go read dlisted.com and laugh at the expense of people I don't even know. I can go back in the apartment and watch Superbad on Starz. I can go reach for a bottle and drown myself in vodka.
I don't want to do that anymore. Jesus Christ.
When I was a child I just knew I was destined for greatness. I was going to show anyone who ever doubted me. I had it in me. And what did I think was going to happen? Like some unstoppable force, I was just going to triumphantly erupt one day with brilliance and power? What the fuck?
Nothing happens while you wait on the sidelines except waiting on the sidelines.
The first time I rode a roller coaster, I was so scared that I clenched my eyes shut tight and held on for dear life and no matter how many twists and turns we took, I never opened my eyes or loosened my grip. I was terrified. Had I just opened my eyes, thrown my arms up, and shouted excitedly like everyone else, I might have enjoyed it. But I didn't. This is my life.
I am scared to get off the bench, so I create delusions disguised as dreams and aspirations, and as long as I have those fantasies, it's okay for me to stay on the bench for now.
But it's not okay. How many times does something have to be presented directly before me until I get it? I have these realizations all the time, and I just put them away, store for later. This is fucking it. This moment right here. This is fucking it, there is no later.
So I have paralyzing fear. What the fuck else is new?
If I fall down a thousand times, it will be worth it every time because at least I was off the bench. Fuck the bench. I have to pick up my fear-ridden ass and try, or I will die in this god forsaken state of arrested development. This can't be my life anymore.
It's so easy to stick my head back in the sand, in our culture of diversion escapism comes so easily. I can go read dlisted.com and laugh at the expense of people I don't even know. I can go back in the apartment and watch Superbad on Starz. I can go reach for a bottle and drown myself in vodka.
I don't want to do that anymore. Jesus Christ.