i wonder how i bought all the lies...
i lost my job.
i am jobless.
joel has been cheating on me for 3 weeks.
why was i not good enough.
why is some 18 year old girl SO much better than me?
was everything he said just LIES.
i dont understand. after everything ive done for him. and after everything he said. what happened? Why did he have to do this to me.
and i havent cried about it. i dont know why. But he keeps calling me saying he needs to come over so we can talk. TALK ABOUT WHAT?? HONESTLY, what can you say to justify what u did to me and how much u broke my heart? and why do u insist on still calling me beautiful and hon, and baby....isn't that what SHE IS. puke.
i wrote him something last night. but nothing i write could really say how i feel right now. because i TRUSTED him with everything I HAD. i really thought he was different...
im probably going to rhyme at times and sometimes not. but that's okay because i just want a chance to say how much you fucked me up. Two years of my life I gave to you. I wasn't trying to let anyone in after what he did to me. But you reassured me that you weren't like him. And I believed it. Maybe I trust too easily. But I opened up and let you in. God, you knew everything about me. you KNOW everything about me. you can read me like an open book. You've memorised me like your favorite lyric in your favorite song. maybe that's why you screwed me over so easily. and maybe part of it is for letting you screw me over so easily. But after all the letters and ALL the phone calls, i really thought you loved me for me. But it seems like you knew what you were doing all along. Just use me and use me and use me. until i had everything i could possibly give you sucked out of me. and i DID give you everything. EVERYTHING. I was THERE For you when NO ONE ELSE WAS. i would have NEVER used you or not been there for you or not cared about you or lied to you. But that's all you did to me. LIED. I NEVER thought you could be the one to make me feel this way. Like me heart has been stomped on and punched repeateadly. You SWORE you weren't a cheater and a liar and a user. But you ARE. The definition to the exact. How could you screw me over so badly? Are you really that heartless and cold No, you're not. I know you better than that. Or do I even know you? God, what did i do so wrong? How did i screw up so badly? Everyone says it's not my fault. But what did I not do to keep you around? To want to still love me? If you ever did. And now you're making me feel like it's all my fault. I SHOULD be the one not answering your calls. and I SHOULD be the one packing all your stuff and throwing it out. Not you taking it all because you think i'd destroy it. I'm not the one who's uncaring and heartless and dishonest. I told you I loved you and I told you I cared. And i DO. I don't lie. This is just NOT FAIR. And I'm not some psycho bitch who'll go ahead and ruin your life like you did to mine. Yes, maybe a dumb bitch for still wanting to hear your voice and wanting to see you maybe one last time. But how can i not? You're all i've known the past two years. it's so hard to let go of someone or something that has impacted your life this much even though you seemed to never let me impact yours or I would be all YOU'VE known for two years. But obviously not since I'm so easy to throw out like some worthless piece of trash. And how could you do this to the ONE person who was all so innocent in this. she didn't deserve this. I wouldn't have ever put her through this if I knew you'd put me through this. And all over some little whore. What the fuck does she have that i don't? HONESTLY? She was NEVER there for you the past two years. She hardly knows you. You hardly know her and I guarantee she would NEVER wait for you like i did and she will NEVER be there for you when you have to go back. But, watch, i probably will, becuse i'm stupid. But, i love you. And i always will. But you don't deserve my love. I know I'm too good for you. But why do I feel like I deserve yours. Help me understand WHY! that's all i ask. And then we can go our seperate ways. Though with me, it's going to be so hard to pick my face up off the floor, and put my broken heart back in place and drag on and on. But i deserve and answer to why. WHY, after all i've done. if you could never give me what you said you would and couldn't be honest with me like you said you were...just help me understand. please. PLEASE. then maybe i could sleep. but for now i'll close my eyes, holding my pillow tight wondering what went wrong and all the things you said. Picking every line apart word by word to wonder if it was remotely true or just a lie and what it really meant. and if all the kisses were fake and if all the smiles were untrue and how i went about losing you. and why....why...WHY? It just doesn't make sense. And replaying all our conversations in my head just makes it worse and i HATE YOU FOR THIS. God I really do. I do. But i love you.
i am jobless.
joel has been cheating on me for 3 weeks.
why was i not good enough.
why is some 18 year old girl SO much better than me?
was everything he said just LIES.
i dont understand. after everything ive done for him. and after everything he said. what happened? Why did he have to do this to me.
and i havent cried about it. i dont know why. But he keeps calling me saying he needs to come over so we can talk. TALK ABOUT WHAT?? HONESTLY, what can you say to justify what u did to me and how much u broke my heart? and why do u insist on still calling me beautiful and hon, and baby....isn't that what SHE IS. puke.
i wrote him something last night. but nothing i write could really say how i feel right now. because i TRUSTED him with everything I HAD. i really thought he was different...
im probably going to rhyme at times and sometimes not. but that's okay because i just want a chance to say how much you fucked me up. Two years of my life I gave to you. I wasn't trying to let anyone in after what he did to me. But you reassured me that you weren't like him. And I believed it. Maybe I trust too easily. But I opened up and let you in. God, you knew everything about me. you KNOW everything about me. you can read me like an open book. You've memorised me like your favorite lyric in your favorite song. maybe that's why you screwed me over so easily. and maybe part of it is for letting you screw me over so easily. But after all the letters and ALL the phone calls, i really thought you loved me for me. But it seems like you knew what you were doing all along. Just use me and use me and use me. until i had everything i could possibly give you sucked out of me. and i DID give you everything. EVERYTHING. I was THERE For you when NO ONE ELSE WAS. i would have NEVER used you or not been there for you or not cared about you or lied to you. But that's all you did to me. LIED. I NEVER thought you could be the one to make me feel this way. Like me heart has been stomped on and punched repeateadly. You SWORE you weren't a cheater and a liar and a user. But you ARE. The definition to the exact. How could you screw me over so badly? Are you really that heartless and cold No, you're not. I know you better than that. Or do I even know you? God, what did i do so wrong? How did i screw up so badly? Everyone says it's not my fault. But what did I not do to keep you around? To want to still love me? If you ever did. And now you're making me feel like it's all my fault. I SHOULD be the one not answering your calls. and I SHOULD be the one packing all your stuff and throwing it out. Not you taking it all because you think i'd destroy it. I'm not the one who's uncaring and heartless and dishonest. I told you I loved you and I told you I cared. And i DO. I don't lie. This is just NOT FAIR. And I'm not some psycho bitch who'll go ahead and ruin your life like you did to mine. Yes, maybe a dumb bitch for still wanting to hear your voice and wanting to see you maybe one last time. But how can i not? You're all i've known the past two years. it's so hard to let go of someone or something that has impacted your life this much even though you seemed to never let me impact yours or I would be all YOU'VE known for two years. But obviously not since I'm so easy to throw out like some worthless piece of trash. And how could you do this to the ONE person who was all so innocent in this. she didn't deserve this. I wouldn't have ever put her through this if I knew you'd put me through this. And all over some little whore. What the fuck does she have that i don't? HONESTLY? She was NEVER there for you the past two years. She hardly knows you. You hardly know her and I guarantee she would NEVER wait for you like i did and she will NEVER be there for you when you have to go back. But, watch, i probably will, becuse i'm stupid. But, i love you. And i always will. But you don't deserve my love. I know I'm too good for you. But why do I feel like I deserve yours. Help me understand WHY! that's all i ask. And then we can go our seperate ways. Though with me, it's going to be so hard to pick my face up off the floor, and put my broken heart back in place and drag on and on. But i deserve and answer to why. WHY, after all i've done. if you could never give me what you said you would and couldn't be honest with me like you said you were...just help me understand. please. PLEASE. then maybe i could sleep. but for now i'll close my eyes, holding my pillow tight wondering what went wrong and all the things you said. Picking every line apart word by word to wonder if it was remotely true or just a lie and what it really meant. and if all the kisses were fake and if all the smiles were untrue and how i went about losing you. and why....why...WHY? It just doesn't make sense. And replaying all our conversations in my head just makes it worse and i HATE YOU FOR THIS. God I really do. I do. But i love you.