ive been waiting on my own too long...
bleh.
why am i so sad that he is doing this again?
:\
i feel like writing a real entry.
but i don't know where to start.
maybe i should give the people who don't know me too well and are probably going to read this some background info. yuh.
sean = father of my baby soon to be born.
-met last september.
-cheated on his g/f-girl he lives with; with me.
-didn't know he had a g/f. he never told me.
-didn't really care actually after i found out.
-still cheated on her with me because he says he doesn't want to be with her anymore but its his only place to live(which is true considering he has no money and his family lives in nebraska and tennesse).
-his g/f is psychotic and wants to kill me and the baby when she's born.
-wants him to have nothing to do with me which is kind of hard because he is the father. doesn't even want us to talk.
-he lies to her all the time and always comes out with me and talks to me.
-when she finds out she makes him call me and tell me he wants nothing to do with me. which makes me feel like an idiot because she thinks its all my fault and that i want his ass.
-it never works and he continues to talk to me...and she'll find out again and blow up and have a fit and try to make him tell me once again he wants nothing to do with me...and he won't talk to me for 2 days or so then call me again and want to see me.
-i moved. and he has been staying at my house almost every night with me. she didn't have a clue until some girl that lives with them opened her mouth.
-he still lied to her and said he was never with me.
-didn't work until the other night.
-so now...once again...he hasn't called me. and is with her, when he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore and doesn't love her and cares about me blah blah blah blah.
-and now im so sad. just because he is now with her again. staying at her house. sleeping next to her in bed and not me.
makes me feel stupid.
and i don't know why i should care?
i shouldn't.
most of the time i feel like i want him to be with me all the time just to piss off his g/f and make her cry and make her feel like shit because of how she doesn't want him to talk to me or anything. and when he's with me i can have the satisfaction of going HAH you stupid bitch cunt ugly wh0re...he picked me over you. isn't that great!(@#!?
but then he goes back to her and tells her he won't talk to me anymore and they are all lallal great and perfect again until he calls me again and comes over...and then leaves me all alone again...
and i shouldn't even bother because of joel<3.
someone great. someone who loves. someone who always wants me. :(
but it makes it so hard because he is still not home.
and i'm always alone.
and i know i am so much better than sean.
and that he doesn't deserve my time.
so why do i feel like im not good enough for him?
why does he hurt me so badly. :(
and i know he won't call me tonight.
but then he will maybe tomorrow or sunday.
and want to come over.
and i will let him.
because i'm an idiot.
and then he'll leave me again.
and go back to her.
and i'll feel like shit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME !*#@E)!*#!
i got dosed by you, closer than most to you, what am i supposed to do? take it away, i never had it anyway...
won't you come over?
you know that you want to.
how does it feel to know
i still want you?
why do we always seem,
to want what we can't have?
lessons learned.
but then I listen to my heart,
and it says still run back for more.
i'm happy for you.
i'm sure that she really loves you.
but it breaks my heart,
to know i can't hold you.
[Current Clothes] black pants, a t shirt and flip flops
[Current Mood] bleh
[Current Music] delta goodrem-lost without you.
[Current Taste] iced tea
[Current Make-up] none.
[Current Hair] back in ponytail.
[Current Annoyance] sean.
[Current Smell] iced tea.
[Current Favorite Artist] um
[Current Desktop Picture] a pretty one.
[Current Favorite Group] hanson?
[Current Book you're reading] none.
[Current CD in CD Player] goo goo dolls.
[Current DVD in player] nothing right now.
[Current Color Of Toenails] not painted
[Current Refreshment] iced tea.
[Current Worry] the baby is never going to come out :(
-L A S T . P E R S O N-
[You Touched] kyle the dog.
[You Talked to] suzi.
[You Hugged] sean...
[You Instant messaged] amy
[You Yelled At] no one.
-F A V O R I T E-
[Food] italian
[Drink] iced tea, water
[Color] pink. yellow. red.
[Album] a lot.
[Shoes] all my flip flops
[Candy] twix
[Animal] cows
[TV Show] paradise hotel, the O.C. :p
[Movie] riding in cars with boys
[Dance] not sure.
[Song] please forgive me-david grey
[Fruit] peaches, plums, green apples, strawberries[Cartoon] dexter
-A R E . Y O U-
[Understanding] yes
[Open-minded] yuh
[Arrogant] no
[Insecure] *nods*
[Interesting] i don't think so....
[Random] a lot of times with suzi and amanda<3
[Hungry] no
[Friendly] sometimes.
[Smart] not very smart.
[Moody] yuh
[Childish] sometimes
[Independent] yuh
[Hard working] sometimes
[Organized] yes
[Healthy] i try to be
[Emotionally Stable] not right now.
[Shy] very
[Difficult] very
[Attractive] i don't think so
[Bored Easily] yes
[Thirsty] no
[Responsible] for the most part
[Obsessed] with what
[Angry] somewhat
[Sad] very
[Happy] most of the time.
-W H O . D O . U . W A N T . T O-
[Kill] troll
[Slap] troll
[Get Really Wasted With] taylor *not taylor hanson*
[Get High With] eh
[Look Like] i duno.
-S T U F F-
[My Name Is] lisa a.k.a. penny
[All I Need Is] someone.
[Love Is] joel.
[I'm Afraid of] lots of things.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[Pictured your crush naked?] ive seen him nakie cuz im so damn lucky.<3
[Been in love] yes.
[Cried when someone died] yes
[Lied] yuh
-W H O-
[makes u laugh the most?] suzi, amanda, joel, jill.
[makes you smile] joel.
[who do you have a crush on?] joel.
[has a crush on u?] joel.
[is easiest to talk to] all my friends above and my family.
-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?] no i dont have a computer at home.
[save aol/aim conversations] no...
[wish u were a member of the opposite sex] nope
[cried because of someone saying something to you] all the time.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend] no.
[been rejected] hmmm...yeah...
[rejected someone] yes
[been cheated on] yes
-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone] a member of the club.
[you laughed with] suzi
-D O . Y O U / A R E . Y O U-
[obsessive] u already asked this 1@#*)!*!
[could u live without the computer?] i do at night. yes. but suzi is giving me one because she loves me so much<3
[color ur hair] sometimes.
[ever get off the damn computer] when i go home from work.
[habla espanol] no.
[drink alchohol?] no.
[like watching sunrises or sunset] yes.
-N U M B E R-
of times I have had my heart broken?: 3
of hearts I have broken?: 1
of girls I have kissed?: 3
of guys I have kissed?: lots.
of tight friends?: 4
of cd's that I own?: too many....lol
why am i so sad that he is doing this again?
:\
i feel like writing a real entry.
but i don't know where to start.
maybe i should give the people who don't know me too well and are probably going to read this some background info. yuh.
sean = father of my baby soon to be born.
-met last september.
-cheated on his g/f-girl he lives with; with me.
-didn't know he had a g/f. he never told me.
-didn't really care actually after i found out.
-still cheated on her with me because he says he doesn't want to be with her anymore but its his only place to live(which is true considering he has no money and his family lives in nebraska and tennesse).
-his g/f is psychotic and wants to kill me and the baby when she's born.
-wants him to have nothing to do with me which is kind of hard because he is the father. doesn't even want us to talk.
-he lies to her all the time and always comes out with me and talks to me.
-when she finds out she makes him call me and tell me he wants nothing to do with me. which makes me feel like an idiot because she thinks its all my fault and that i want his ass.
-it never works and he continues to talk to me...and she'll find out again and blow up and have a fit and try to make him tell me once again he wants nothing to do with me...and he won't talk to me for 2 days or so then call me again and want to see me.
-i moved. and he has been staying at my house almost every night with me. she didn't have a clue until some girl that lives with them opened her mouth.
-he still lied to her and said he was never with me.
-didn't work until the other night.
-so now...once again...he hasn't called me. and is with her, when he tells me he doesn't want to be with her anymore and doesn't love her and cares about me blah blah blah blah.
-and now im so sad. just because he is now with her again. staying at her house. sleeping next to her in bed and not me.
makes me feel stupid.
and i don't know why i should care?
i shouldn't.
most of the time i feel like i want him to be with me all the time just to piss off his g/f and make her cry and make her feel like shit because of how she doesn't want him to talk to me or anything. and when he's with me i can have the satisfaction of going HAH you stupid bitch cunt ugly wh0re...he picked me over you. isn't that great!(@#!?
but then he goes back to her and tells her he won't talk to me anymore and they are all lallal great and perfect again until he calls me again and comes over...and then leaves me all alone again...
and i shouldn't even bother because of joel<3.
someone great. someone who loves. someone who always wants me. :(
but it makes it so hard because he is still not home.
and i'm always alone.
and i know i am so much better than sean.
and that he doesn't deserve my time.
so why do i feel like im not good enough for him?
why does he hurt me so badly. :(
and i know he won't call me tonight.
but then he will maybe tomorrow or sunday.
and want to come over.
and i will let him.
because i'm an idiot.
and then he'll leave me again.
and go back to her.
and i'll feel like shit.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME !*#@E)!*#!
i got dosed by you, closer than most to you, what am i supposed to do? take it away, i never had it anyway...
won't you come over?
you know that you want to.
how does it feel to know
i still want you?
why do we always seem,
to want what we can't have?
lessons learned.
but then I listen to my heart,
and it says still run back for more.
i'm happy for you.
i'm sure that she really loves you.
but it breaks my heart,
to know i can't hold you.
[Current Clothes] black pants, a t shirt and flip flops
[Current Mood] bleh
[Current Music] delta goodrem-lost without you.
[Current Taste] iced tea
[Current Make-up] none.
[Current Hair] back in ponytail.
[Current Annoyance] sean.
[Current Smell] iced tea.
[Current Favorite Artist] um
[Current Desktop Picture] a pretty one.
[Current Favorite Group] hanson?
[Current Book you're reading] none.
[Current CD in CD Player] goo goo dolls.
[Current DVD in player] nothing right now.
[Current Color Of Toenails] not painted
[Current Refreshment] iced tea.
[Current Worry] the baby is never going to come out :(
-L A S T . P E R S O N-
[You Touched] kyle the dog.
[You Talked to] suzi.
[You Hugged] sean...
[You Instant messaged] amy
[You Yelled At] no one.
-F A V O R I T E-
[Food] italian
[Drink] iced tea, water
[Color] pink. yellow. red.
[Album] a lot.
[Shoes] all my flip flops
[Candy] twix
[Animal] cows
[TV Show] paradise hotel, the O.C. :p
[Movie] riding in cars with boys
[Dance] not sure.
[Song] please forgive me-david grey
[Fruit] peaches, plums, green apples, strawberries[Cartoon] dexter
-A R E . Y O U-
[Understanding] yes
[Open-minded] yuh
[Arrogant] no
[Insecure] *nods*
[Interesting] i don't think so....
[Random] a lot of times with suzi and amanda<3
[Hungry] no
[Friendly] sometimes.
[Smart] not very smart.
[Moody] yuh
[Childish] sometimes
[Independent] yuh
[Hard working] sometimes
[Organized] yes
[Healthy] i try to be
[Emotionally Stable] not right now.
[Shy] very
[Difficult] very
[Attractive] i don't think so
[Bored Easily] yes
[Thirsty] no
[Responsible] for the most part
[Obsessed] with what
[Angry] somewhat
[Sad] very
[Happy] most of the time.
-W H O . D O . U . W A N T . T O-
[Kill] troll
[Slap] troll
[Get Really Wasted With] taylor *not taylor hanson*
[Get High With] eh
[Look Like] i duno.
-S T U F F-
[My Name Is] lisa a.k.a. penny
[All I Need Is] someone.
[Love Is] joel.
[I'm Afraid of] lots of things.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[Pictured your crush naked?] ive seen him nakie cuz im so damn lucky.<3
[Been in love] yes.
[Cried when someone died] yes
[Lied] yuh
-W H O-
[makes u laugh the most?] suzi, amanda, joel, jill.
[makes you smile] joel.
[who do you have a crush on?] joel.
[has a crush on u?] joel.
[is easiest to talk to] all my friends above and my family.
-D O . Y O U . E V E R-
[sit on the internet all night waiting for someone special to I.M. you?] no i dont have a computer at home.
[save aol/aim conversations] no...
[wish u were a member of the opposite sex] nope
[cried because of someone saying something to you] all the time.
-H A V E . Y O U . E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend] no.
[been rejected] hmmm...yeah...
[rejected someone] yes
[been cheated on] yes
-W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone] a member of the club.
[you laughed with] suzi
-D O . Y O U / A R E . Y O U-
[obsessive] u already asked this 1@#*)!*!
[could u live without the computer?] i do at night. yes. but suzi is giving me one because she loves me so much<3
[color ur hair] sometimes.
[ever get off the damn computer] when i go home from work.
[habla espanol] no.
[drink alchohol?] no.
[like watching sunrises or sunset] yes.
-N U M B E R-
of times I have had my heart broken?: 3
of hearts I have broken?: 1
of girls I have kissed?: 3
of guys I have kissed?: lots.
of tight friends?: 4
of cd's that I own?: too many....lol