This is not about the guy
I was 18 and in love. I thought I was. He blew into my life one day like a beautiful disaster and whirled my life into an absract version of it's former self. I was upside down..and I liked it. Then he left the country that summer and I was left to my own devices.
I was alone with this strange new view of the world. It was exciting and crazy and so fresh to my virgin mind. I understood nothing in it, only that I wanted to explore. Who was I, other than the good girl my parents raised? I'd never before been given permission to look much further than my church and family, but he showed me the otherside. I had eaten from the tree of knowledge, and now I knew: I wouldn't suddenly be burning in hell for doing something I wasn't "supposed" to do. Hmmm... and there was so much out there TO.DO. And I wanted to do it ALL.
He returned, but I knew he wouldn't stay around. Not with me. He was like a male lion always on the move for the next attractive catch. I had fulfilled my role in his fantasy already.
I tried to latch on with my cat-claws but he excaped anyway. I knew I wouldn't always be happy with this one, but I was afraid of what I had lost to him, something I couldnt get back. It frustrated me. It tore me up and blended my thoughts and emotions into an oozing mess of hurt, confusion, anger and rage. I was this way and that, I felt insane. I had no pride, completely shameless in my pursuit. How many times I must of stroked his ego while shredding my soul.
Long live the day I left it all behind.
It changed my life forever. All of it. I met strange people with strange pills and drugs I had never even heard of. I did things I never thought myself capeable of and I certainly saw things, I never thought I would see. I didn't know myself any longer. I didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't care. I had never been so lost. The world didn't seem real any longer. None of it. Sometimes I felt like the dead walking in the land of the living: unseen, unheard, unimportant.
What a strange state of being to have no hope, goals, dreams, aspirations. To never reach for stars or wish on rainbows. Hate the day and roam at night. Listless.
And I felt like I was the nothing that existed. No self-esteem, no confidence. Just an empty shell of what used to be a girl.
But healing was taking place. Slowly. Perhaps this was the time of walking through deserts, going through the fire, to make it out on the otherside stronger. Aware.
I finally went away. For a month. It was a very strange thing for me to do. I had no money, no job, and I knew noone. It only lasted for a month, but it was enough time to pause my life, and come back to a different chapter. And that's what happened. Things changed.
I could go on about the next phase. I became employed, had my own place with a roommate, life was good. By then I was 21. And then I met a guy. That's where another story begins... but not right now.
I was alone with this strange new view of the world. It was exciting and crazy and so fresh to my virgin mind. I understood nothing in it, only that I wanted to explore. Who was I, other than the good girl my parents raised? I'd never before been given permission to look much further than my church and family, but he showed me the otherside. I had eaten from the tree of knowledge, and now I knew: I wouldn't suddenly be burning in hell for doing something I wasn't "supposed" to do. Hmmm... and there was so much out there TO.DO. And I wanted to do it ALL.
He returned, but I knew he wouldn't stay around. Not with me. He was like a male lion always on the move for the next attractive catch. I had fulfilled my role in his fantasy already.
I tried to latch on with my cat-claws but he excaped anyway. I knew I wouldn't always be happy with this one, but I was afraid of what I had lost to him, something I couldnt get back. It frustrated me. It tore me up and blended my thoughts and emotions into an oozing mess of hurt, confusion, anger and rage. I was this way and that, I felt insane. I had no pride, completely shameless in my pursuit. How many times I must of stroked his ego while shredding my soul.
Long live the day I left it all behind.
It changed my life forever. All of it. I met strange people with strange pills and drugs I had never even heard of. I did things I never thought myself capeable of and I certainly saw things, I never thought I would see. I didn't know myself any longer. I didn't care if I lived or died. I didn't care. I had never been so lost. The world didn't seem real any longer. None of it. Sometimes I felt like the dead walking in the land of the living: unseen, unheard, unimportant.
What a strange state of being to have no hope, goals, dreams, aspirations. To never reach for stars or wish on rainbows. Hate the day and roam at night. Listless.
And I felt like I was the nothing that existed. No self-esteem, no confidence. Just an empty shell of what used to be a girl.
But healing was taking place. Slowly. Perhaps this was the time of walking through deserts, going through the fire, to make it out on the otherside stronger. Aware.
I finally went away. For a month. It was a very strange thing for me to do. I had no money, no job, and I knew noone. It only lasted for a month, but it was enough time to pause my life, and come back to a different chapter. And that's what happened. Things changed.
I could go on about the next phase. I became employed, had my own place with a roommate, life was good. By then I was 21. And then I met a guy. That's where another story begins... but not right now.