(no subject)
Now, introducing, another sleepless night. Last night was sort of odd, because I was kind of in an aggressive restless mode, where I just started cleaning because I was too pissed off to relax, and before I knew it I looked at my alarm clock and it was 5 am. I just keep wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I can't help but freak out because I don't want to regret not doing something later on, and in this case I'll probably regret not doing something. Its always the opposite, and I'll never do the right thing. I've decided to just let things work themselves out. I have no control, so I shouldn't contribute. I've been doing my own thing... hangin' out with people I haven't seen in months. My patience runs thin whenever the thought of mutuality occurs. I finally experienced it. I know what it is, and as soon as I had it it was taken away, naturally, like everything else good that I didn't have to work for. I get so tired of working so hard and not going anywhere. Its like I'm walking in never ending zig zagged lines or in circles and I'm eventually going to wear myself into the otherside of the earth. I could lay here for six hours motionless but not feel mentally exhausted. I haven't slept in over 32 hours, I've lost around 56 hours of sleep in the past week, and I'm 18 lbs lighter. I know as soon as I start eating again I'll gain all of that back, unfortunately. I don't like making an ass of myself, and I don't like looking stupid. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world right now, but if (emphasis on if) things turn out how I'd like them to, then I won't mind, because me temporarily looking like an idiot for a few days, weeks, and perhaps, but hopefully not, months ensures happiness for that amount of time doubled, I think. I have such a hard time rationalizing this, because I think I'm stupid for believing it sometimes, but at the same time I find it so easy to just understand why this is needed and what he's doing it all for. Though, I am becoming discouraged seeing that I haven't observed anything he's doing that can be considered applying effort to change, nor anything related to that. It pisses me off because I shouldn't be put in this position, granted I gave my all, and I kept my mouth shut too long about things that pissed me off, and I should've went about confrontation differently, but I don't feel it was worth breaking up over, then throwing something that had been known for weeks into it. That was such an inopportune moment, both times. I'll never understand how the male mind works, and if I happen to get fucked over again, I'm not sure what I might do. I've decided I want to kind of lay low, I want to just go out and do my thing, like I have been doing, and get shit done, like I've also been doing. If he just happens to come to some sort of enlightenment in the meantime, then, great, but if I feel like I've lingered too long for progress that isn't going to happen, then I'll have to just move on with it. I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do, and I can't hold back someone that isn't going anywhere. Not saying that I don't have faith in him. I know he's quite capable of amazing things, but he's so stuck in this frame that he is about the equivalence of dirt that he's holding himself back from doing anything, and its such a waste of mind, its such a waste of talent, intellect, everything. I just hope I'm not getting fucked over, again.