one day..
im such a confused type of person.
like one day, im dead set against having any kind of relations with my ex because it ruins my self confidence hurts too much to think of him with his new girlfriend. then, a few days later im texting him again and being all friendly as if i never had that huge strop at him down the phone about how i could never talk to him again because it's better for me in the long run...to be honest, i don't actually know what is better for me.
if i do cut him out of my life then i really miss talking to him and emily and him start coming into my dreams which i hate so much because then i feel crap when i wake up in the morning. yet at least im excepting it. then, if i do talk to him, i get hurt when he seems disinterested sometimes, or when we talk and the whole conversation consists of "me and emily did/went/saw/spent/had..." and that also leaves me feeling like crap. also, everytime i talk to him a little part of me still hopes that he might still care about me, which i know he used to, even emily told me that much, but its been a while now, so i doubt that's the case. and every time i realise it, it like another burst of feeling rejected.
and then there's the part of me which is enjoying every minute of being single. i mean, if me and chaz hadn't of broken up, i would never have had anything to do with Tim, and although he's one big confusion in himself, it's actually been a real experience for me and has helped me realise some stuff about myself that i never knew before. and it definately got rid of a lot of my insecurities, which i had a lot of when with Chaz.
but then there's another part to me, which wants revenge on chaz for making me feel so bad during the worst possible period of my life, whe the exams are really important, and i had some serious issues going on with dad and Yan and the rest of my homelife. he didnt experience any pain, and just got away with everything. he has no idea how he made me feel, and part of me wants to let him know what that felt like.
its this part of it all that makes me realise that im so not ready for another relationship. i can'y get involved in something new when im still so bitter about a past relationship, so in a way its kind of a relief that tim is so complecated. although, it would be nice to have that feeling of being special and loved back...
well, that was some pointless ramblings..and although i thought it might do, it didnt actually help me become less confused
♥
like one day, im dead set against having any kind of relations with my ex because it ruins my self confidence hurts too much to think of him with his new girlfriend. then, a few days later im texting him again and being all friendly as if i never had that huge strop at him down the phone about how i could never talk to him again because it's better for me in the long run...to be honest, i don't actually know what is better for me.
if i do cut him out of my life then i really miss talking to him and emily and him start coming into my dreams which i hate so much because then i feel crap when i wake up in the morning. yet at least im excepting it. then, if i do talk to him, i get hurt when he seems disinterested sometimes, or when we talk and the whole conversation consists of "me and emily did/went/saw/spent/had..." and that also leaves me feeling like crap. also, everytime i talk to him a little part of me still hopes that he might still care about me, which i know he used to, even emily told me that much, but its been a while now, so i doubt that's the case. and every time i realise it, it like another burst of feeling rejected.
and then there's the part of me which is enjoying every minute of being single. i mean, if me and chaz hadn't of broken up, i would never have had anything to do with Tim, and although he's one big confusion in himself, it's actually been a real experience for me and has helped me realise some stuff about myself that i never knew before. and it definately got rid of a lot of my insecurities, which i had a lot of when with Chaz.
but then there's another part to me, which wants revenge on chaz for making me feel so bad during the worst possible period of my life, whe the exams are really important, and i had some serious issues going on with dad and Yan and the rest of my homelife. he didnt experience any pain, and just got away with everything. he has no idea how he made me feel, and part of me wants to let him know what that felt like.
its this part of it all that makes me realise that im so not ready for another relationship. i can'y get involved in something new when im still so bitter about a past relationship, so in a way its kind of a relief that tim is so complecated. although, it would be nice to have that feeling of being special and loved back...
well, that was some pointless ramblings..and although i thought it might do, it didnt actually help me become less confused
♥