The Other Face of Goodbye (OHSHC fanfiction)
Title: The Other Face of Goodbye (1 of 1)
Author: Paola
Disclaimer: The Other Face of Goodbye is based on characters and situations that belong to Bisco Hatori (and other production affiliates that have the right of ownership). No money is being made, and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Considerations: Similarities to other stories/events/passages are purely coincidental unless otherwise cited, and beliefs and points of view found in the story do not necessarily reflect those of the author’s.
Warning: This is the “not-so-happy” version of Knowing Which Way the Wind Blows
The Other Face of Goodbye
They say that no two things are ever the same. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because aren’t Hikaru and I the same? They wear the same clothes. They eat the same food. They shun the same people. They play with the same toys. So even when he doesn’t believe it, he puts the thought in a little box to be stored away and recalled when he remembers to unlock the chest.
He doesn’t notice the tiny gap where before there was none, no, he doesn’t, not yet.
They say that everyone is unique and different from everybody else. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because aren’t Hikaru and I different from others but not from ourselves? They adore maple syrup, but Honey-sempai adores cakes. They like it loud and noisy, but Mori-sempai probably prefers the relative silence. They love to play pranks, but Kyoya-sempai is too straight-laced for those. They brag and throw tantrums, but Milord poeticizes and sulks. So even when he doesn’t believe it, he puts the thought in a little box to be stored away and recalled when he remembers to unlock the chest.
He doesn’t notice the negligible difference in rhythm, no, he doesn’t, not yet.
They say that, one way or another, even the closest of people will say goodbye to each other. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because aren’t Hikaru and I inseparable? They say goodbye to their parents when they leave for school, but they don’t say goodbye to each other because they attend the same classes. They say goodbye to the Host Club when the late afternoon rolls in, but they don’t say goodbye to each other because they live in the same house. They say goodbye to people leaving, but they don’t say goodbye to each other because wherever one is, the other would be just close by. So even when he doesn’t believe it, he puts the thought in a little box to be stored away and recalled when he remembers to unlock the chest.
He doesn’t notice the small unused space between that was a tangle of limbs and cloth before, no, he doesn’t, not yet.
They say that everyone takes a different path and makes different choices. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because aren’t Hikaru and I “us” and not “everyone else”? Kyoya-sempai and Milord have different career paths, but he and his brother are both going to take over their mother’s fashion empire. Honey-sempai and Mori-sempai are a karate master and kendo master respectively, but he and his brother are one-half of a twin and one-half of a twin respectively. Haruhi prefers her cut-and-dried routine, but he and his brother like the randomicity of pranks and surprises. So even when he doesn’t believe it, he puts the thought in a little box to be stored away and recalled when he remembers to unlock the chest.
The slight dissimilarity in wavelength tickles his attention, but he dismisses it because it’s trivial - it shouldn’t exist; therefore, it doesn’t.
They say that strength lies in differences, not in similarities. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because aren’t Hikaru and I better when we have the same idea, the same…everything? Honey-sempai and Mori-sempai are so different in many aspects that it makes their bond strong, but he and his brother are so similar that their bond claims to be unbreakable. Kyoya-sempai and Milord are night and day and their friendship is stronger for it, but he and his brother are day and day, night and night, one-half and one-half and their relationship goes beyond the polite bounds of friendship. Haruhi is the opposite of every Host Club member and her connection with the hosts is tactile and true, but he and his brother are mirrors of each other and the strength of their ties is more solid than lovers. So even when he doesn’t believe it, he puts the thought in a little box to be stored away and recalled when he remembers to unlock the chest.
Then the tiny gap, the negligible difference in rhythm, the small unused space, the slight dissimilarity in wavelength aren’t so tiny - aren’t so negligible, aren’t so small, aren’t so slight - anymore.
They say that nothing in this world is permanent. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because, suddenly, he finds himself fumbling with the key to open the chest he has stored away - because what they say is actually true for the first time. Every memory, every belief, rushes out, and imagine his surprise when all those things he once thought were rubbish are now making sense, are now rearing their ugly heads to mock him for his skepticism.
Suddenly, there is this distance that he wants to cross but is held back from doing so.
He and Hikaru are not so similar as he once believed, and as he watches while Hikaru runs to a different direction, he begins to resent the ignorance that once made their world function because it failed to prepare him for this. There are now too many people clamoring to enter their world, and while he remains trying to push them away, Hikaru just stands there, a contemplative look on his face, until he decides to take a step back and let them enter.
Kaoru has always been the more mature of the two, but now that he faces the possibility of separation, he thinks that he’s even more childish for wanting to stop the changes that seem to be fast coming. He tries to close the chest and lock it once again, but what’s inside doesn’t want to be subdued and fights to get out like a monster he hasn’t learned to defeat.
When Hikaru chases after different dreams, Kaoru is torn. Selfishness dictates that he holds on, that he pulls Hikaru back, keep him to himself, but Kaoru isn’t selfish. He loves. He supports. He encourages. And as painful as it is, he prepares himself to let go.
Just as the younger realizes the need to take another step forward, so too must the elder understand the need for it; and just like how the elder acts on the younger’s realization - even without consciously doing so - so too must the younger follow and not be a hypocrite of his own making.
Kaoru curses the tiny ache in his chest. He used to think that such a thing was imaginary partly because there’d always been the two of them before, enough to chase any pain away because it was shared by two, but more so because pain is physical. But what he’s feeling right now isn’t, so why is he experiencing that little twist in his heart?
They are brothers even before born, soul mates against the world, and individuals…once realized…and the realization does come, along with the farewell to something that has provided them comfort, and security, and protection for as long as they could remember. This, this is what scares Kaoru the most. It’s not that Hikaru may forget him once they let go of each other’s hand - because that’s just impossible - it’s that there’s no chance of going back to what once was when they allow their entwined fingers to separate. What if those who aren’t them and the world to which those people belong are too cruel? What if they don’t like what awaits them outside of their world?
Once he lets go of Hikaru, there will be no turning back, and it’s a thought that frightens him to an extent he never thought it would. But they aren’t kids anymore, and it’s time to grow up. Peter Pan has lost its grip on them, and the pixie dust doesn’t work as effectively as before.
While there are farewells and departures that aren’t as bitter, aren’t as hard, aren’t as sad, there are, too, other faces of goodbye, and as Kaoru acknowledges the distance between himself and his brother, he thinks that this goodbye is that other face, the one that leaves too much pain, too much yearning despite the smile that he puts on every morning.
They say that time heals all wounds. This has caught Kaoru’s attention because until now, he finds it hard to forget what he has let go. The our world is no more, and a part of Kaoru wishes he held on. Kaoru isn’t selfish, but he never thought his saving grace would also be his downfall.
o-o
It has taken a long time for him to realize what he has left behind, but now that he does, Hikaru misses their own little world, and when he turns to his side, there is no Kaoru sleeping beside him. He curses their separate bedrooms and their separate lives even though he knows it’s for the best to move on.
Hikaru tries to fall asleep, but sleep is just too far away, and right now, there is no Kaoru to soothe his frazzled psyche, but just as he sits up on his bed, the door cracks open, and a familiar presence makes itself known.
Kaoru helps him ease back onto the bed, holds him until his eyelids are mercifully heavy, and the name of the younger twin slips out of his mouth in a silent plea. Kaoru just smiles that tiny smile, says his goodnight, then extricates himself from Hikaru.
Hikaru has never hated anything that has ever come out of Kaoru’s mouth as much as he hates the word that Kaoru is now uttering…
Goodnight.
…because it’s just another way of saying goodbye.
-fin-
Citation/s:
“Strength lies in differences, not in similarities.” - Stephen Covey