Subconscious Preferences
Why push everyone away? Why willingly sabotage one's dealings with others? Because the part of me that doesn't think about what I'm doing prefers to be hated. It's simpler, it's safer, it's more comfortable. Not happier, but that's not been important for a long, long time. If I can believe everyone hates me, then I don't have to worry about doing more than performing required interactions, I don't have to worry about what COULD be. What MIGHT be. Simply what is. One thing and one thing alone. If everyone hates me, then it justifies my paranoia. Excuses. That's what it produces.
I'm so terribly predictable. Sticking with similar appellations. Listening to the same music for years. But it's familiar. Safe in the same old cocoon I've wrapped myself in. Never having to peek my head out and deal with the frightening world. I don't want to get off the bus. It hurts out there, it's unhappy out there.
Why should I be happy? I haven't wanted to be happy for some time now. I just want everything to be quiet.
I'm so terribly predictable. Sticking with similar appellations. Listening to the same music for years. But it's familiar. Safe in the same old cocoon I've wrapped myself in. Never having to peek my head out and deal with the frightening world. I don't want to get off the bus. It hurts out there, it's unhappy out there.
Why should I be happy? I haven't wanted to be happy for some time now. I just want everything to be quiet.