(no subject)
Is there no one out there who can help me? I sat for half an hour in the studio today staring into space today before I gave in and texted Nancy. I had a feeling she might reply and tell me something I should know. I'm not sure if she even cares anymore...I thinkso. She is as nice as she always seemed. I think I know why she doesn't talk to me anymore, but I hope not. She thought I was just being nasty and I wasn't. I couldn't help feeling that way and I still can't. I want it to go away so badly. It's worse now, because I had it under control for awhile, even in the winter. Love does conquer all. But now it's worse than ever and I'm sinking further and to be honest I don't know how much more I can take before I really do give up. Every week it feels like I'm coping and then one day it fills me up and it's worse than the week before. I buy cds and eat iced buns and try to like girls I don't just to feel better, and it doesn't really work. I hope to god I feel better tomorrow, I can't face a whole weekend like this, working and going to John's party. I'm already neglecting Nathania. I wander what I'd see if I could look into the future. Will it be any better, could it get any worse? I love throwing lyrics into things. I was trying to explain to The Girls last night how the things I say aren't really random, they're just odd thoughts that get out my mouth. Zanne questioned how on earth guys can eat so much and I said "We don't have wombs and things" which was confusingly funny. Zanne also pointed out my feminine qualities and said I'm like a woman trapped in a man's body. No one's every actually said that before, and I've been thinking it for years. Hah, I won't have a sex change. I'm just one of those unfortunate sensitive guys... Yuck. I don't really feel much better. I want to be.