For anyone who's interested.
This is my first proper update in, gosh, almost two months! Quite alot's happened, but I only have 40 minutes online here, so I'll make is snappy.
I'm at college now, doing an HNC (Higher National Certificate) in Art and Design. I shouldn't really be there, because I have no real ambitions, but I lied and said I wanted to be an art teacher, so at least now I have something to do. Can't work at Tesco 7 days a week you know! But I'm at college 9-5, 5 days a week now, so I can only work 2 days max, and I have no money. I'm lucky to have about £20 left every week, after paying my rent, commuting, food, art materials... Life is not fun.
Nancy Duckels you say? Yes, I know of her. Funny story actually, I'm very much in love with her. But she doesn't love me. And it's killing me softly, every single day. For 2 weeks I did manage to not really think about her and that was okay. She was seeing Dunk, online after meeting him, talking on the phone...almost what her and I used to have. Except she couldn't love him. I don't know why. Apparently he said he loved her, and she thought he was perfect...but she told me that she told him that she had no heart because of me, and that I'm the kindest person she's ever known and still does know. She also told me that she gave up smoking for me, but that she can't for Dunk, and now she's doing it again. I am very. Very. Scared.
I'll just mention my mental well being now. I had a break down this weekend past, a very bad one. If Nancy or Leigh reads this, I don't want Nance to think that it was All Her Fault. It wasn't. I just kept phoning and texting her because I don't have anyone else, no one I trust quite as much as her. And I do love her after all. But I had a very bad few days, and on Sunday night, when mum asked if I was okay, I just burst into tears. I sobbed on my bed for 2 hours and she sat beside me and I told her (almost) everything. I told her I love Nancy, that I was genuinely Happy in Salisbury, that Nancy is seeing someone else and that I'm worried for both of us. I told her that I hurt Nancy alot without meaning to. She told me what Nancy said to her when she phoned. That she'd Just woken up and read my stupid text, and phoned my mum in a panic. I cried harder then, because hurting Nancy is just...painful. Besides Nancy, I told mum how scared I am of failing college the same as school, how empty I feel inside most of the time and how depressed I am when the weather's bad. I don't know how I actually managed to tell her all that, I never have before. Was just desperate. She got dad to go down to Tesco and buy me some sleeping pills, so I took them and slept all night. Before I talked to mum I texted and rang Nancy so much that she actually answered. But she didn't speak. I just sat there saying "Nancy, Nancy? Hello?" until she hung up, and then she switched her phone off, after which mum found me. Next day I phoned again, because I just wanted to say something to her (and I can't remember what that was), but the line was dead! I mean it was a faint buzz like when the landlines unplugged. I assumed she'd just barred my calls, and I spent the next 6 hours reading and listening to music (mostly The Doors) until I had a doctor's appointment at 5, which mum booked in the morning. I missed my ceramics and sculpture class at college, because I didn't want to try and do that before I saw the doctor. I asked Ryan if I could go over to his house and hang out, but he was ill. I think I freaked him out last week, when I told him about my Nancy troubles. Yeah, he feels awkward with me. Won't even come out with me tonight, and I feel awful for dumping all my worries on him just because I couldn't speak to my parents. I took Snoozer to the vet with mum in the afternoon, and he said she can be let out of the cage now. Still has to stay indoors though, until he knows whether to amputate her tail. So she's a bit crazy right now, not being able to go outside.
I went to the doctor's. Waiting was awful, in a crowded little corridor. Mum went in with me and I didn't know what to say, so she told him I was feeling worried and stuff. Then she left and I spoke fairly easily to Doc Morris about my depression. I didn't mention Nancy though - she does play a part, but i was depressed long before her I know, so I won't just blame her or anything. He seemed a tad sceptical, because I didn't appear very depressed, but he made an appointment with some psychiatrist, who I'm going to see next Monday morning. Yes I am worried, thanks for reminding me... I have some anti-anxiety pills right now, and my sleeping medication. Don't seem to be working though, last night I took my pills at 9 but I was so worried about Nancy's phone not ringing that I didn't drop off until 2 am, when I was just so exhausted. Today, after a boring/worried/tired day at college, Nancy's phone is ringing again. It's too late now, but at least I know she isn't dead, which was starting to frighten me last night. I can't believe I did that to her myself...
I'm not exactly coping right now, with anything. I do work for college in little bursts, but I tend to end up crying after an hour, and then I just watch tv and try not to think about things. I read a hell of alot of Terry Pratchette too, because that's strictly entertaining and doesn't set me off. Meepo. Don't have anyone to talk about this. I only talked to mum because I was so upset and, um, vulnerable, but apart from that I'm alone. None of my friends can help, I can't get online, and Nancy won't speak to me At All... I text Annie intermittently, and she does cheer me up with Yet More Incredible Misery (god that woman defies belief, she's going to have a film made about her).
I'm going to shoot off now and catch a bus home. My arms ache alot and my head hurts. My heart's bleeding for Nancy too, but that's just melo-romantic tish tosh. I think I made a big big mistake today, and I'm going to regret it forever if I did, but maybe it'll turn out for the best, because somebody needs to know. I have chalk stains on my jacket, oh damn...
Bye bye.
I'm at college now, doing an HNC (Higher National Certificate) in Art and Design. I shouldn't really be there, because I have no real ambitions, but I lied and said I wanted to be an art teacher, so at least now I have something to do. Can't work at Tesco 7 days a week you know! But I'm at college 9-5, 5 days a week now, so I can only work 2 days max, and I have no money. I'm lucky to have about £20 left every week, after paying my rent, commuting, food, art materials... Life is not fun.
Nancy Duckels you say? Yes, I know of her. Funny story actually, I'm very much in love with her. But she doesn't love me. And it's killing me softly, every single day. For 2 weeks I did manage to not really think about her and that was okay. She was seeing Dunk, online after meeting him, talking on the phone...almost what her and I used to have. Except she couldn't love him. I don't know why. Apparently he said he loved her, and she thought he was perfect...but she told me that she told him that she had no heart because of me, and that I'm the kindest person she's ever known and still does know. She also told me that she gave up smoking for me, but that she can't for Dunk, and now she's doing it again. I am very. Very. Scared.
I'll just mention my mental well being now. I had a break down this weekend past, a very bad one. If Nancy or Leigh reads this, I don't want Nance to think that it was All Her Fault. It wasn't. I just kept phoning and texting her because I don't have anyone else, no one I trust quite as much as her. And I do love her after all. But I had a very bad few days, and on Sunday night, when mum asked if I was okay, I just burst into tears. I sobbed on my bed for 2 hours and she sat beside me and I told her (almost) everything. I told her I love Nancy, that I was genuinely Happy in Salisbury, that Nancy is seeing someone else and that I'm worried for both of us. I told her that I hurt Nancy alot without meaning to. She told me what Nancy said to her when she phoned. That she'd Just woken up and read my stupid text, and phoned my mum in a panic. I cried harder then, because hurting Nancy is just...painful. Besides Nancy, I told mum how scared I am of failing college the same as school, how empty I feel inside most of the time and how depressed I am when the weather's bad. I don't know how I actually managed to tell her all that, I never have before. Was just desperate. She got dad to go down to Tesco and buy me some sleeping pills, so I took them and slept all night. Before I talked to mum I texted and rang Nancy so much that she actually answered. But she didn't speak. I just sat there saying "Nancy, Nancy? Hello?" until she hung up, and then she switched her phone off, after which mum found me. Next day I phoned again, because I just wanted to say something to her (and I can't remember what that was), but the line was dead! I mean it was a faint buzz like when the landlines unplugged. I assumed she'd just barred my calls, and I spent the next 6 hours reading and listening to music (mostly The Doors) until I had a doctor's appointment at 5, which mum booked in the morning. I missed my ceramics and sculpture class at college, because I didn't want to try and do that before I saw the doctor. I asked Ryan if I could go over to his house and hang out, but he was ill. I think I freaked him out last week, when I told him about my Nancy troubles. Yeah, he feels awkward with me. Won't even come out with me tonight, and I feel awful for dumping all my worries on him just because I couldn't speak to my parents. I took Snoozer to the vet with mum in the afternoon, and he said she can be let out of the cage now. Still has to stay indoors though, until he knows whether to amputate her tail. So she's a bit crazy right now, not being able to go outside.
I went to the doctor's. Waiting was awful, in a crowded little corridor. Mum went in with me and I didn't know what to say, so she told him I was feeling worried and stuff. Then she left and I spoke fairly easily to Doc Morris about my depression. I didn't mention Nancy though - she does play a part, but i was depressed long before her I know, so I won't just blame her or anything. He seemed a tad sceptical, because I didn't appear very depressed, but he made an appointment with some psychiatrist, who I'm going to see next Monday morning. Yes I am worried, thanks for reminding me... I have some anti-anxiety pills right now, and my sleeping medication. Don't seem to be working though, last night I took my pills at 9 but I was so worried about Nancy's phone not ringing that I didn't drop off until 2 am, when I was just so exhausted. Today, after a boring/worried/tired day at college, Nancy's phone is ringing again. It's too late now, but at least I know she isn't dead, which was starting to frighten me last night. I can't believe I did that to her myself...
I'm not exactly coping right now, with anything. I do work for college in little bursts, but I tend to end up crying after an hour, and then I just watch tv and try not to think about things. I read a hell of alot of Terry Pratchette too, because that's strictly entertaining and doesn't set me off. Meepo. Don't have anyone to talk about this. I only talked to mum because I was so upset and, um, vulnerable, but apart from that I'm alone. None of my friends can help, I can't get online, and Nancy won't speak to me At All... I text Annie intermittently, and she does cheer me up with Yet More Incredible Misery (god that woman defies belief, she's going to have a film made about her).
I'm going to shoot off now and catch a bus home. My arms ache alot and my head hurts. My heart's bleeding for Nancy too, but that's just melo-romantic tish tosh. I think I made a big big mistake today, and I'm going to regret it forever if I did, but maybe it'll turn out for the best, because somebody needs to know. I have chalk stains on my jacket, oh damn...
Bye bye.