a lot to say.
well after a month long stay in ohio, i finally returned home to seattle yesterday. it sounds ironic saying home to seattle, since i feel like a tourist here still, but none the less. Ohio was interesting..really, really interesting. I started my stay off with steph which i deeply regret. I don't even want to get into the story beacuse my fingers would be numb from both the length and rage while typing. I ended my stay with kelly belly, which should have been my first pick but oh well..i'm super excited because she will be coming to my city oct 15-20 for her 17th birthdayy! :) i'll bake her a cake and take her to dinner in the city or something nice like that! I don't really know where things ended off with jeff..I mean i know we're not together, and our relationship ended probably the worst way possible. He cheated on me with me & kelly. Even thinking about it is too painful to type, so i'll nonchalantly try to move past it even though it kills me inside. I still have the texts on my phone for some reason. I don't look at them anymore, but it's like every time I think it was a bad dream, their there as a reminder. In one way I feel like I should let it all go and it doesn't matter anymore, anyways. In another way I feel like by being so casual about it, it allows him to walk all over me. Oh well, I have no control over him anymore which I'm sure will be of convinience to him considering I'm a control freak in some mens eyes. I said some pretty harsh things to him, but oddly enough I wouldn't take any of them back. It's scary, everything I said to him that day..I meant it. I start school on September 3rd and sometime between now and then I have a 600 page book to read & 4 assignments to do on it. Talk about stresss. The skies here have been cloudy since I got back. Today I had a job interview at forever 21...it went decently well.. I can't help thinking the lady who interviewed me thought I was "stuck up", "bitchy", "just another snob"..you know..the thoughts most people think when they first look/meet me. At least I can be honest with myself, at least I can be honest with other people. I can't believe I've kept this journal for 4 years...crazy. It's crazy to see how my lifes changed. I mean I was in 6th grade in Wadsworth, Ohio. Now i'm getting ready to finish off highschool in 2 years and I live across the country. Never take things for granted, and don't get comfortable with everything. I learned that the hard way. I never in a million years thought jeff would be the guy to do any of this to me, and he was. It hurts more than anything. I mean Kevin's cheated on me before, but Kevin's a tool and somehow getting over that was always easier. I could go back to him and forget about it everytime..with jeff, I can't. Maybe because I thought he had higher standards, or maybe its because I loved him differently. I'll never know, I guess. Maybe one day I'll have a mature relationship. I'm ready for that. One thats filled with lunch dates and studying and late night intelligent talks. I think I'm describing dating a nerd like myself. Because in all actuality, that's exactly what I am. I'm not attracted to jocks or preps at all. There the last people I look at when I go into a room. I always look for the boys that are a little bit different, that's seemed to work horribly for me now though. I feel horrible about myself all over again. I know I'm a pretty girl, I know I'm blessed..but being betrayed by someone you put so much trust in and gave everything to, sucks. I need to write in this thing more, I feel a lot better. My hearts broken in 1000 pieces because he doesn't want me anymore. Well, he says he does. but how could he? So once again, I'll pick up the pieces and find closure somewhere else. I'll try to start over, and eventually like every other guy before jeff..I'll find out how to live without them. I can't think of a single reason I'm still talking to him, but I can't think of a single reason I want to stop either. I love him.