On Comings and Goings
When I wake up on Tuesday morning, back home in my bed after a Thanksgiving weekend in Y-town SK, one of my dearest friends will be too far away to visit for a very long time. Ontario is very far away, as exemplified by the fact that I have seen my grandmother maybe 7 times in my life. But we started out far apart. Dearest Friend and I have been near each other since we met three years ago.
I've had my teary nights, mostly due to lack of sleep and hormones. But the fact of the matter is, I'm not actually sad. I'm sad not to be near her, but it's true about how - if you really love someone - you just want them to be happy. The situation that drew Dearest Friend away drew my other Dearest Friend away too, and ruined their potential friendship. It would be easy to be angry at the person who caused this but...it's hard to be mad at someone for just being screwed up and not having the balls to make a decision and stick to it. I kind of pity the fool, you know, to paraphrase a great mohawk leader. I'm a bit pissy that my two besties got hurt though. Don't get me wrong.
In other news, a rather important player from my past life has re-emerged...before I had a chance to lose a ton of weight and become super-successful and completely fabulous. And when I see this person, who I haven't seen for over four years, my brain gets a bit scrambled for a few days. It's not that my life isn't hooray, it's just that sometimes, you wonder what if...
I got to thinking about these two situations, as they have been the hot topics on my mind this week, while singing loudly to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah in the car the other night, after my Never-Say-Goodbye with Dearest Friend. Although religion has slipped by the wayside, I'm still a firm believer in events having meaning. I mean, in a country full of universities and people, what are the odds I would live in the same city as Unresolved Ex (okay, to be fair I'm not sure there is actually a Resolved Ex, but still) ever again?? Slim to none. He was certainly not expected to be at 10 year this year, so I was in the clear. Surely there is something to learn from his re-emergence.
After some soul-exploring, some good music and a bit of sleep, I finally asked myself: if given the same choice I had 4.5 years ago, would I still pick this path? You know. Marriage is wonderful, and My Heart is wonderful, but frankly, marriage is not all sparks and wahoo. And I looked at all the facts, and the pros and the cons, and the stark differences between easy-going happiness and fun, and trying, desperately, to make someone happy who simply does not want to be, and I realised that Yes, I would make the same choice. I would choose happiness for me.
Because happiness doesn't just happen if we're good people, or live a clean life, or hope for the best, or put others first all the time, does it? Happiness is a conscious choice. We can convince ourselves that our soul-mate awaits over there, and if we were just a bit more this, and a bit more that, if they were a bit more this, and a bit more that, and drama drama drama, we'd be happy. And if that person could just realise that they are a wonderful person, and deserve to be loved, we'd be good to go. But it would have been a lifetime of work, I know that - we would both have struggled with depression, and lack of communication and say what you want about sparks - they can only go so far. You can't give someone self-esteem, or mold them into the person you feel they have the potential to be. We can only do that to ourselves, or at least that's the way I understand it.
So, in a way, I'm glad that Unresolved Ex popped into my life again, out of the blue. Because it made me wake-up and realise how good I really have it, and it also made me realise that - holy hell. I made an important decision back in the day, and I made the right one. And that is a nice boost for the confidence, and for the marriage.
So that's why I'm not crying tonight over Dearest Friend's departure tomorrow. Because she's choosing happiness for herself. She's going to be with the people who love her, to start fresh. She tried, there was plenty of drama, and she was a trooper through it all. And maybe potentials will eventually be reached and we will see her again in oil country, and maybe not. But either way, she's making that conscious decision, and being pro-active, and not just waiting and hoping for things to "work out." And I'm so proud of her, and so excited for her to start the next phase of her life, after some substantial healing time (and turkey, and hugs).
Heart Heart Dearest. Safe travels, and we'll talk soon.
I've had my teary nights, mostly due to lack of sleep and hormones. But the fact of the matter is, I'm not actually sad. I'm sad not to be near her, but it's true about how - if you really love someone - you just want them to be happy. The situation that drew Dearest Friend away drew my other Dearest Friend away too, and ruined their potential friendship. It would be easy to be angry at the person who caused this but...it's hard to be mad at someone for just being screwed up and not having the balls to make a decision and stick to it. I kind of pity the fool, you know, to paraphrase a great mohawk leader. I'm a bit pissy that my two besties got hurt though. Don't get me wrong.
In other news, a rather important player from my past life has re-emerged...before I had a chance to lose a ton of weight and become super-successful and completely fabulous. And when I see this person, who I haven't seen for over four years, my brain gets a bit scrambled for a few days. It's not that my life isn't hooray, it's just that sometimes, you wonder what if...
I got to thinking about these two situations, as they have been the hot topics on my mind this week, while singing loudly to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah in the car the other night, after my Never-Say-Goodbye with Dearest Friend. Although religion has slipped by the wayside, I'm still a firm believer in events having meaning. I mean, in a country full of universities and people, what are the odds I would live in the same city as Unresolved Ex (okay, to be fair I'm not sure there is actually a Resolved Ex, but still) ever again?? Slim to none. He was certainly not expected to be at 10 year this year, so I was in the clear. Surely there is something to learn from his re-emergence.
After some soul-exploring, some good music and a bit of sleep, I finally asked myself: if given the same choice I had 4.5 years ago, would I still pick this path? You know. Marriage is wonderful, and My Heart is wonderful, but frankly, marriage is not all sparks and wahoo. And I looked at all the facts, and the pros and the cons, and the stark differences between easy-going happiness and fun, and trying, desperately, to make someone happy who simply does not want to be, and I realised that Yes, I would make the same choice. I would choose happiness for me.
Because happiness doesn't just happen if we're good people, or live a clean life, or hope for the best, or put others first all the time, does it? Happiness is a conscious choice. We can convince ourselves that our soul-mate awaits over there, and if we were just a bit more this, and a bit more that, if they were a bit more this, and a bit more that, and drama drama drama, we'd be happy. And if that person could just realise that they are a wonderful person, and deserve to be loved, we'd be good to go. But it would have been a lifetime of work, I know that - we would both have struggled with depression, and lack of communication and say what you want about sparks - they can only go so far. You can't give someone self-esteem, or mold them into the person you feel they have the potential to be. We can only do that to ourselves, or at least that's the way I understand it.
So, in a way, I'm glad that Unresolved Ex popped into my life again, out of the blue. Because it made me wake-up and realise how good I really have it, and it also made me realise that - holy hell. I made an important decision back in the day, and I made the right one. And that is a nice boost for the confidence, and for the marriage.
So that's why I'm not crying tonight over Dearest Friend's departure tomorrow. Because she's choosing happiness for herself. She's going to be with the people who love her, to start fresh. She tried, there was plenty of drama, and she was a trooper through it all. And maybe potentials will eventually be reached and we will see her again in oil country, and maybe not. But either way, she's making that conscious decision, and being pro-active, and not just waiting and hoping for things to "work out." And I'm so proud of her, and so excited for her to start the next phase of her life, after some substantial healing time (and turkey, and hugs).
Heart Heart Dearest. Safe travels, and we'll talk soon.