The Host fanmix - Ian/Wanda - Now and Forever
Medium: Book.
Fandom: The Host.
Subject: Wanda, Wanda/Ian, hints of other characters. (Mainly Mel.)
Title: Now and Forever.
Warnings: SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE BOOK!
Notes: I've included some quotes from the book, so if you want to read the book and haven't yet, don't look at this unless you don't mind being spoiled.
There are two different sets of covers - one featuring Christian Bale as Ian and Julie Marie Berman as Wanda, the other featuring James Marsden as Ian and Elisabeth Harnois as Wanda.
Please note that I am no longer uploading individual songs.
Muse || Citizen Erased
Break me in / Teach us to cheat / And to lie, to cover up / What shouldn't be shared? / All the truth unwinding / Scraping away / At my mind / Please stop asking me to describe him / For one moment / I wish you'd hold your stage / With no feelings at all / Open minded / I'm sure I used to be so free / Self expressed, exhausting for all / To see and to be / What you want and what you need / The truth unwinding / Scraping away / At my mind / Please stop asking me to describe... / Wash me away / Clean your body of me / Erase all the memories / They will only bring us pain / And I've seen all I'll ever need.
The blackness erased all but this: a face.
The face was as alien to me as the faceless serpentine tentacles of my last host body would be to this new body. I'd seen this kind of face in the images I had been given to prepare for this world. It was hard to tell them apart, to see the tiny variations in color and shape that were the only markers of the individual. So much the same, all of them... Some had more fur lower down on the jaw; those were always males. The colors ranged through the brown scale from pale cream to a deep almost-black. Aside from that, how to know one from the others?
This face, I would have known among millions...
Mine, spoke the alien thought that should not have existed...
Mine, I rebuked her, the power and authority that belonged to me alone flowing through the word. Everything is mine.
[chapter 1, pages 12-13]
Sarah McLachlan || Fear
But I fear / I have nothing to give / I have so much to lose / Here in this lonely place / Tangled up in our embrace / There's nothing I'd like / Better than to fall / But I fear I have nothing to give / Wind in time / Rapes the flower trembling on the vine / Nothing yields to shelter it / From above / They say temptation will destroy our love / The never ending hunger / But I fear / I have nothing to give / I have so much to lose / Here in this lonely place / Tangled up in our embrace / There's nothing I'd like / Better than to fall / But I fear / I have nothing to give...
"You... She... she's still that... present?"
The appalling truth tumbled from my lips. "When she wants to be. Our history bores her. She's more dormant while I'm working. But she's there, all right. Sometimes I feel like she's as present as I am." My voice was only a whisper by the time I was done.... "It's getting worse. Instead of fading, she seems to be growing stronger. It's not as bad as the Healer's case yet - we spoke of Kevin, do you remember? She hasn't taken control. She won't. I won't let that happen!"
....
"... You want me to skip?"
"No one would think badly of that choice, Wanderer. It's understood, if a host is defective-"
"Defective? She's not defective. I am. I'm too weak for this world!"
[chapter 5, page 45]
Maroon 5 || She Will Be Loved
Beauty queen of only eighteen / She had some trouble with herself / He was always there to help her / She always belonged to someone else... / Look for the girl with the broken smile / Ask her if she wants to stay awhile / And she will be loved / She will be loved... / I know I tend to get so insecure / It doesn't matter anymore / It's not always rainbows and butterflies / It's compromise that moves us along / My heart is full and my door's always open / You can come anytime you want.
I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry with me for what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that I'd fallen in love because of the memories she forced on me and then been overthrown by this unruly body? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoy it. Vicious human.
[chapter 30, page 303]
Wanda, open your eyes. He's starting to... How do I explain it so that you'll understand right? To feel about you... the way you feel about Jared. Can't you see that?
I couldn't answer for two heartbeats.
That's impossible, I finally said.
[chapter 37, page 383]
Hannah Fury || Of Longing and Otherness
Instrumental.
I didn't see it coming the way I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, just a second before his lips touched mine.
No!
It wasn't like kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire. No control. A spark to gasoline - inevitable. With Ian, I didn't even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.
His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
"Good or bad?" he whispered against my lips.
Bad! Bad, bad!
[chapter 38, page 391]
Our Lady Peace || I Loved You All Along
And if I don't make it / Know that I've loved you all along / Just like sunny days that / We ignore because / We're all dumb and jaded / And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong / I walked around my room / Not thinking / Sinking in this box / I blame myself for being too much like somebody else / I never thought that I'd just bend this way.
"But I love you," he whispered. "Doesn't that matter?"
"Of course it matters. So much. Can't you see? That only makes it more... necessary."
His eyes flashed open. "Is it so unbearable to have me love you? Is that it? I can keep my mouth shut, Wanda. I won't say it again. You can be with Jared, if that's what you want. Just stay."
"No, Ian!" I took his face between my hands - his skin felt hard, strained tight over the bones. "No. I - I love you, too. Me, the little silver worm in the back of her head. But my body doesn't love you. It can't love you. I can never love you in this body, Ian. It pulls me in two. It's unbearable."
I could have borne it. But watching him suffer because of my body's limitations? Not that.
He closed his eyes again. His thick black lashes were wet with tears. I could see them glisten.
Oh, go ahead, Mel sighed. Do whatever you need to. I'll... step into the other room, she added dryly.
Thanks.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer to him until my lips touched his.
He curled his arms around me, pulling me tighter against his chest. Our lips moved together, fusing as if they would never divide, as if separation was not the inevitable thing it was, and I could taste the salt of our tears. His and mine.
[chapter 56, page 574]
Coheed and Cambria || Wake Up
The morning will come / In the press of every kiss / With your head upon my chest / Where I will annoy you / With every waking breath / Until you decide to wake up / I've earned through hope and faith / The curves around your face / That I'm the one you'll hold forever / If morning never comes for either one of us / Then this I pray to you wherever / I'll do anything for you / This story is for you / ('Cause I'd do anything you want me to, for you) / I'll do anything for you.
"Wanda? Can you hear me, Wanda?" a familiar voice asked.
....
My hands were warmer than the rest of me, and that was because they were being held. Held in big hands, hands that swallowed them right up.
It smelled odd - stuffy and a little moldy. I remembered the smell... but surely I'd never smelled it before in my life.
I saw nothing but dull red - the insides of my eyelids. I wanted to open them, so I went searching for the right muscles to do that.
"Wanderer? We're all waiting for you, honey. Open your eyes."
This voice, this warm breath against my ear, was even more familiar. A strange feeling tickled through my veins at the sound. A feeling I'd never, ever felt before. The sound made my breath catch and my fingers tremble.
I wanted to see the face that went with that voice.
A color washed through my mind - a color that called to me from a faraway life - a brilliant, glowing blue. The whole universe was bright blue...
...
My searching eyes found the blue I'd been looking for. Sapphire, snow, and midnight.
"Ian?"
[chapter 59, pages 601-602]
Xandria || Now and Forever
Millions of songs all these years in my soul / And when we met I just knew they're for you / Now your voice is singing them all / Your wings at mine we will never fall / On and on / We will fly now and forever / Side to side now and forever my love / Thousands of miles through the cold stormy air / There's really nothing that I wouldn't dare / I climb the eye of the hurricane / When the winds are whispering your name.
He moved his lips to my eyes, but it was too late. It was done. "Don't cry, Wanda. Don't cry. You're staying with me."
"Eight full lives," I whispered against his jaw, my voice breaking. "Eight full lives and I never found anyone I would stay on a planet for, anyone I would follow when they left. I never found a partner. Why now? Why you? You're not of my species. How can you be my partner?"
"It's a strange universe," he murmured.
[chapter 56, page 575]
Orchestra Di Roma || For The First Time (Kissing You)
Instrumental
Something began to change.
When Melanie's body touched Jared's body, it was like a wildfire - a fast burn raced across the surface of the desert and consumed everything in its path.
With Ian, it was different, so very different, because Melanie didn't love him the way I did. So when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heart of it, but it moved inexorably, changing the very foundations of the world with is happening.
It changed me, not her. It was almost a metallurgical process deep inside the core of who I was, something that had already begun, was already nearly forged. But this long, unbroken kiss finished it, searing and sharp edged - it shoved this new creation, all hissing, into the cold water that made it hard and final. Unbreakable.
[chapter 56, page 575]
Sarah McLachlan || Possession (Acoustic)
And I would be the one / To hold you down / Kiss you so hard / I'll take your breath away / And after, I'd wipe away the tears / Just close your eyes dear / Through this world I've stumbled / So many times betrayed / Trying to find an honest word to find / The truth enslaved / Oh you speak to me in riddles / And you speak to me in rhymes / My body aches to breathe your breath / Your words keep me alive.
"Have you had enough time to sort things out yet? I don't want to rush you. I know it's confusing... with Jared..."
It took me a moment to process what he was saying, but then I giggled quietly. Melanie wasn't much given to giggling, but Pet had been, and her body betrayed me at the most inopportune moment.
"What?" he demanded.
"I was giving you time to sort things out," I explained in a whisper. "I didn't want to rush you - because I know it's confusing with Melanie."
He jumped just a little in surprise. "You thought...? But Melanie isn't you. I was never confused."
I was smiling in the dark now. "And Jared isn't you."
His voice was tighter when he answered. "But he's still Jared. And you love him."
Ian was jealous again? I shouldn't have been pleased by negative emotions, but I had to admit this was encouraging.
"Jared is my past, another life. You are my present."
He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotions. "And your future, if you want that."
"Yes, please."
[epilogue, pages 614-615]
Jimmy Eat World || Polaris
Get down on your knees / Whisper what I need / Something pretty / Something pretty / I feel that when I'm old / I'll look to you and know / The world was beautiful / Then you tell me / You say that love goes anywhere / In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there / When you go, I'll let you be / But you're killing everything in me / I'm done, there's nothing left to show / I try but can't let it go.
"... It's just really... new to me. It's sort of your fault," she added, smiling to show that she was teasing me.
I felt a little guilty anyway. And confused. "What did I do?"
"Nothing," she assured me. "It was Wes's... reaction to you that surprised me... Oh well. He's too young for me, but what does that matter here?" She laughed again. "It's strange how life and love go on. I didn't expect that."
"Yeah. Kind of funny how that happens," Ian agreed. I hadn't heard him return. He slung his arm around my shoulders. "It's nice, though."
[chapter 39, page 401]
It was dark, barely any light from the stars trickling down through the cracked ceiling. I didn't see Lily till I tripped over her in the darkness.
I almost didn't recognize her tear-swollen face. She was curled into a tight, tiny ball in the middle of the passageway. Her eyes were wide, not quite comprehending who I was.
"Why?" she asked me.
I stared at her wordlessly.
"I said that life and love go on. But why do they? They shouldn't. Not anymore. What's the point?"
[chapter 50, pages 507-508]
Rosie Thomas || You and Me
And if tomorrow never comes / Know this twice, just know this once / Knowing you has made me able to go on / You and me, me and you / There couldn't be a better two / To be blessed and know the meaning of true love / And if you leave me I feel scared / Fall apart so unprepared.
Ian sat with me for three days in the darkness.
He left for only a few short minutes at a time, to get us food and water. At first, Ian ate, though I did not. Then, as he realized that it wasn't a loss of appetite that left my tray full, he stopped eating, too.
....
"Please," Ian whispered on the third day - at least I thought it was the third day; there was no way to be sure of the passing time in this dark, silent place. It was the first time he'd spoken.
I knew a tray of food was in front of me. He pushed it closer, till it touched my leg. I cringed away.
"Please, Wanda. Please eat something."
He put his hand on my arm but moved away quickly when I flinched from under it.
"Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. If I'd known... I would have stopped them. I won't let it happen again."
[chapter 41, pages 417-418]
Alanis Morisette || Head Over Feet
You treat me like I'm a princess / I'm not used to liking that / You ask how my day was / You've already won me over in spite of me / And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet / Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are / I couldn't help it / It's all your fault / Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole / You're so much braver than I gave you credit for / That's not lip service / You're already won me over in spite of me.
We were together nearly as much as Kyle and Sunny. Ian constantly touched my face and hair, was always holding my hands. But who did not respond to this body that way? And wasn't it platonic for everyone else? Why didn't he kiss me again, the way he had the first day?
[epilogue, page 612]
Xandira || Forever Yours
It feels like / Keeping and holding a star in the sky / Born to be born again with you / The days of thunder cry their goodbye / And for the first time I know what to do / I just keep on being one with you / Forever yours, forever yours / I'm here to stay / Cause in your arms, in your arms / I feel so save... / And when I kiss you / Your lips are the only food I need / Your fingertips open / Spaces that make me complete / Dearest you're all that I need.
And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I'd been smart enough to lie about my age.
The rains would end, and when they did, Ian and I would be together, partners in the truest sense. This was a promise and an obligation I had never had in all my lives. Thinking of it made me feel joyful and anxious and shy and desperately impatient all at the same time - made me feel human.
[epilogue, page 615]
Mara Carlyle || For Me
Please, let things stay this way / Please, let things stay this way / Let things stay this way / It's all so good / It's all I need / I'm grateful, believe me / It's all so good / It's all I need / I'm grateful, believe me / Please, hold this moment for me / Please, hold this moment for me / Steal this moment, keep this moment / For me, for me.
I took a deep breath and rolled up onto my knees, holding my hands out, palms up, wishing that some magic would appear in them. Something I could give him, something I could say. But my hands were empty.
"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me." His eyes blazed - burning brighter than I had ever seen them, blue flames.
"Ian," I whispered. "You have to see that... that I can't stay. You must see that."
"No!" he shouted at me.
I cringed back, and, abruptly, Ian crumpled forward, falling to his knees, falling into me. He buried his head in my stomach, and his arms locked around my waist. He was shaking, shaking hard, and loud, desperate sobs were breaking out his chest.
"No, Ian, no," I begged. This was so much worse than his anger. "Don't, please. Please, don't."
"Wanda," he moaned.
"Ian, please. Don't feel this way. Don't. I'm so sorry. Please."
I was crying, too, shaking, too, though that might have been him shaking me.
"You can't leave."
[chapter 56, pages 572-573]
Christopher Beck || Close Your Eyes
Instrumental.
"I'll explain in a minute. This isn't fair to you, but... please. Just kiss me."
"It won't upset you? Melanie won't bother you?"
"Ian!" I complained. "Please!"
Still confused, he put his hands on my waist and pulled my body against his. His face was so worried, I wondered if this would even work. I hardly needed the romance, but maybe he did.
He closed his eyes as he leaned toward me, an automatic thing. His lips pressed lightly against mine once, and then he pulled back to look at me with the same worried expression.
Nothing.
[chapter 42, page 428]
Michael Nyman || The Sacrifice
Instrumental.
I'd lived in so many bodies, but never one I loved like this. Never one that I craved in this way. Of course, this would be the one I'd have to give up.
The irony made me laugh, and I concentrated on the feel of the air that popped in little bubbles from my chest and up through my throat. Laughter was like a fresh breeze - it cleaned its way through the body, making everything feel good. Did other species have such a simple healer? I couldn't remember one.
I touched my lips and remembered how it felt to kiss Jared, and how it felt to kiss Ian. Not everyone got to kiss so many other beautiful bodies. I'd had more than some, even in this short time.
It was just so short! Maybe a year now, I wasn't completely sure. Just one quick revolution of a blue green planet around an unexceptional yellow star. The shortest life of any I'd ever lived.
The shortest, the most important, the most heartbreaking of lives. The life that would forever define me. The life that had finally tied me to one star, to one planet, to one small family of strangers.
A little more time... would that be so wrong?
No, Mel whispered. Just take a little more time.
You never know how much time you'll have, I whispered back.
[chapter 50, page 511]
Dido || Life For Rent
I haven't really found a place that I call home / I never stick around quite long enough to make it... / I've always though that I would love to live by the sea / To travel the world alone and live more simply / I have no idea what's happened to that dream.
The beginning would feel like the end. I'd been warned.
But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been. Greater than any end I'd remembered in nine lives. Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft. I had expected no more memories, no more thoughts. What end was this?
....
"We tried not to scare her," Jamie said. "She's so... kind of fragile-looking, you know? ... See, Mel said we had to get someone young - someone who had a bigger percentage of life as a soul or something. But not too young, because she knew you wouldn't want to be a child."
....
"You're not a parasite," Melanie said firmly, touching my hair, pulling up a strand and letting the gold slide between her fingers. "This body didn't belong to Pet, but there's nobody else to claim it. We waited to make sure, Wanda. We tried to wake her up almost as long as we tried with Jodi."
[chapter 59, page 599, 605-606]
[[ .rar file - Christan Bale/Julie Marie Berman ]]
[[ .rar file - James Marsden/Elisabeth Harnois ]]
Fandom: The Host.
Subject: Wanda, Wanda/Ian, hints of other characters. (Mainly Mel.)
Title: Now and Forever.
Warnings: SPOILERS FOR THE ENTIRE BOOK!
Notes: I've included some quotes from the book, so if you want to read the book and haven't yet, don't look at this unless you don't mind being spoiled.
There are two different sets of covers - one featuring Christian Bale as Ian and Julie Marie Berman as Wanda, the other featuring James Marsden as Ian and Elisabeth Harnois as Wanda.
Please note that I am no longer uploading individual songs.
Muse || Citizen Erased
Break me in / Teach us to cheat / And to lie, to cover up / What shouldn't be shared? / All the truth unwinding / Scraping away / At my mind / Please stop asking me to describe him / For one moment / I wish you'd hold your stage / With no feelings at all / Open minded / I'm sure I used to be so free / Self expressed, exhausting for all / To see and to be / What you want and what you need / The truth unwinding / Scraping away / At my mind / Please stop asking me to describe... / Wash me away / Clean your body of me / Erase all the memories / They will only bring us pain / And I've seen all I'll ever need.
The blackness erased all but this: a face.
The face was as alien to me as the faceless serpentine tentacles of my last host body would be to this new body. I'd seen this kind of face in the images I had been given to prepare for this world. It was hard to tell them apart, to see the tiny variations in color and shape that were the only markers of the individual. So much the same, all of them... Some had more fur lower down on the jaw; those were always males. The colors ranged through the brown scale from pale cream to a deep almost-black. Aside from that, how to know one from the others?
This face, I would have known among millions...
Mine, spoke the alien thought that should not have existed...
Mine, I rebuked her, the power and authority that belonged to me alone flowing through the word. Everything is mine.
[chapter 1, pages 12-13]
Sarah McLachlan || Fear
But I fear / I have nothing to give / I have so much to lose / Here in this lonely place / Tangled up in our embrace / There's nothing I'd like / Better than to fall / But I fear I have nothing to give / Wind in time / Rapes the flower trembling on the vine / Nothing yields to shelter it / From above / They say temptation will destroy our love / The never ending hunger / But I fear / I have nothing to give / I have so much to lose / Here in this lonely place / Tangled up in our embrace / There's nothing I'd like / Better than to fall / But I fear / I have nothing to give...
"You... She... she's still that... present?"
The appalling truth tumbled from my lips. "When she wants to be. Our history bores her. She's more dormant while I'm working. But she's there, all right. Sometimes I feel like she's as present as I am." My voice was only a whisper by the time I was done.... "It's getting worse. Instead of fading, she seems to be growing stronger. It's not as bad as the Healer's case yet - we spoke of Kevin, do you remember? She hasn't taken control. She won't. I won't let that happen!"
....
"... You want me to skip?"
"No one would think badly of that choice, Wanderer. It's understood, if a host is defective-"
"Defective? She's not defective. I am. I'm too weak for this world!"
[chapter 5, page 45]
Maroon 5 || She Will Be Loved
Beauty queen of only eighteen / She had some trouble with herself / He was always there to help her / She always belonged to someone else... / Look for the girl with the broken smile / Ask her if she wants to stay awhile / And she will be loved / She will be loved... / I know I tend to get so insecure / It doesn't matter anymore / It's not always rainbows and butterflies / It's compromise that moves us along / My heart is full and my door's always open / You can come anytime you want.
I felt an unfamiliar anger toward her. Not like the beginning, when I feared her and wished for her eradication from my mind. No, I felt my own sense of betrayal now. How could she be angry with me for what had happened? How did that make sense? How was it my fault that I'd fallen in love because of the memories she forced on me and then been overthrown by this unruly body? I cared that she was suffering, yet my pain meant nothing to her. She enjoy it. Vicious human.
[chapter 30, page 303]
Wanda, open your eyes. He's starting to... How do I explain it so that you'll understand right? To feel about you... the way you feel about Jared. Can't you see that?
I couldn't answer for two heartbeats.
That's impossible, I finally said.
[chapter 37, page 383]
Hannah Fury || Of Longing and Otherness
Instrumental.
I didn't see it coming the way I had with Jared. Ian was not as familiar to me. Melanie realized what he was going to do before I did, just a second before his lips touched mine.
No!
It wasn't like kissing Jared. With Jared, there was no thought, only desire. No control. A spark to gasoline - inevitable. With Ian, I didn't even know what I felt. Everything was muddled and confused.
His lips were soft and warm. He pressed them only lightly to mine, and then brushed them back and forth across my mouth.
"Good or bad?" he whispered against my lips.
Bad! Bad, bad!
[chapter 38, page 391]
Our Lady Peace || I Loved You All Along
And if I don't make it / Know that I've loved you all along / Just like sunny days that / We ignore because / We're all dumb and jaded / And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong / I walked around my room / Not thinking / Sinking in this box / I blame myself for being too much like somebody else / I never thought that I'd just bend this way.
"But I love you," he whispered. "Doesn't that matter?"
"Of course it matters. So much. Can't you see? That only makes it more... necessary."
His eyes flashed open. "Is it so unbearable to have me love you? Is that it? I can keep my mouth shut, Wanda. I won't say it again. You can be with Jared, if that's what you want. Just stay."
"No, Ian!" I took his face between my hands - his skin felt hard, strained tight over the bones. "No. I - I love you, too. Me, the little silver worm in the back of her head. But my body doesn't love you. It can't love you. I can never love you in this body, Ian. It pulls me in two. It's unbearable."
I could have borne it. But watching him suffer because of my body's limitations? Not that.
He closed his eyes again. His thick black lashes were wet with tears. I could see them glisten.
Oh, go ahead, Mel sighed. Do whatever you need to. I'll... step into the other room, she added dryly.
Thanks.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer to him until my lips touched his.
He curled his arms around me, pulling me tighter against his chest. Our lips moved together, fusing as if they would never divide, as if separation was not the inevitable thing it was, and I could taste the salt of our tears. His and mine.
[chapter 56, page 574]
Coheed and Cambria || Wake Up
The morning will come / In the press of every kiss / With your head upon my chest / Where I will annoy you / With every waking breath / Until you decide to wake up / I've earned through hope and faith / The curves around your face / That I'm the one you'll hold forever / If morning never comes for either one of us / Then this I pray to you wherever / I'll do anything for you / This story is for you / ('Cause I'd do anything you want me to, for you) / I'll do anything for you.
"Wanda? Can you hear me, Wanda?" a familiar voice asked.
....
My hands were warmer than the rest of me, and that was because they were being held. Held in big hands, hands that swallowed them right up.
It smelled odd - stuffy and a little moldy. I remembered the smell... but surely I'd never smelled it before in my life.
I saw nothing but dull red - the insides of my eyelids. I wanted to open them, so I went searching for the right muscles to do that.
"Wanderer? We're all waiting for you, honey. Open your eyes."
This voice, this warm breath against my ear, was even more familiar. A strange feeling tickled through my veins at the sound. A feeling I'd never, ever felt before. The sound made my breath catch and my fingers tremble.
I wanted to see the face that went with that voice.
A color washed through my mind - a color that called to me from a faraway life - a brilliant, glowing blue. The whole universe was bright blue...
...
My searching eyes found the blue I'd been looking for. Sapphire, snow, and midnight.
"Ian?"
[chapter 59, pages 601-602]
Xandria || Now and Forever
Millions of songs all these years in my soul / And when we met I just knew they're for you / Now your voice is singing them all / Your wings at mine we will never fall / On and on / We will fly now and forever / Side to side now and forever my love / Thousands of miles through the cold stormy air / There's really nothing that I wouldn't dare / I climb the eye of the hurricane / When the winds are whispering your name.
He moved his lips to my eyes, but it was too late. It was done. "Don't cry, Wanda. Don't cry. You're staying with me."
"Eight full lives," I whispered against his jaw, my voice breaking. "Eight full lives and I never found anyone I would stay on a planet for, anyone I would follow when they left. I never found a partner. Why now? Why you? You're not of my species. How can you be my partner?"
"It's a strange universe," he murmured.
[chapter 56, page 575]
Orchestra Di Roma || For The First Time (Kissing You)
Instrumental
Something began to change.
When Melanie's body touched Jared's body, it was like a wildfire - a fast burn raced across the surface of the desert and consumed everything in its path.
With Ian, it was different, so very different, because Melanie didn't love him the way I did. So when he touched me, it was deeper and slower than the wildfire, like the flow of molten rock far beneath the surface of the earth. Too deep to feel the heart of it, but it moved inexorably, changing the very foundations of the world with is happening.
It changed me, not her. It was almost a metallurgical process deep inside the core of who I was, something that had already begun, was already nearly forged. But this long, unbroken kiss finished it, searing and sharp edged - it shoved this new creation, all hissing, into the cold water that made it hard and final. Unbreakable.
[chapter 56, page 575]
Sarah McLachlan || Possession (Acoustic)
And I would be the one / To hold you down / Kiss you so hard / I'll take your breath away / And after, I'd wipe away the tears / Just close your eyes dear / Through this world I've stumbled / So many times betrayed / Trying to find an honest word to find / The truth enslaved / Oh you speak to me in riddles / And you speak to me in rhymes / My body aches to breathe your breath / Your words keep me alive.
"Have you had enough time to sort things out yet? I don't want to rush you. I know it's confusing... with Jared..."
It took me a moment to process what he was saying, but then I giggled quietly. Melanie wasn't much given to giggling, but Pet had been, and her body betrayed me at the most inopportune moment.
"What?" he demanded.
"I was giving you time to sort things out," I explained in a whisper. "I didn't want to rush you - because I know it's confusing with Melanie."
He jumped just a little in surprise. "You thought...? But Melanie isn't you. I was never confused."
I was smiling in the dark now. "And Jared isn't you."
His voice was tighter when he answered. "But he's still Jared. And you love him."
Ian was jealous again? I shouldn't have been pleased by negative emotions, but I had to admit this was encouraging.
"Jared is my past, another life. You are my present."
He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotions. "And your future, if you want that."
"Yes, please."
[epilogue, pages 614-615]
Jimmy Eat World || Polaris
Get down on your knees / Whisper what I need / Something pretty / Something pretty / I feel that when I'm old / I'll look to you and know / The world was beautiful / Then you tell me / You say that love goes anywhere / In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there / When you go, I'll let you be / But you're killing everything in me / I'm done, there's nothing left to show / I try but can't let it go.
"... It's just really... new to me. It's sort of your fault," she added, smiling to show that she was teasing me.
I felt a little guilty anyway. And confused. "What did I do?"
"Nothing," she assured me. "It was Wes's... reaction to you that surprised me... Oh well. He's too young for me, but what does that matter here?" She laughed again. "It's strange how life and love go on. I didn't expect that."
"Yeah. Kind of funny how that happens," Ian agreed. I hadn't heard him return. He slung his arm around my shoulders. "It's nice, though."
[chapter 39, page 401]
It was dark, barely any light from the stars trickling down through the cracked ceiling. I didn't see Lily till I tripped over her in the darkness.
I almost didn't recognize her tear-swollen face. She was curled into a tight, tiny ball in the middle of the passageway. Her eyes were wide, not quite comprehending who I was.
"Why?" she asked me.
I stared at her wordlessly.
"I said that life and love go on. But why do they? They shouldn't. Not anymore. What's the point?"
[chapter 50, pages 507-508]
Rosie Thomas || You and Me
And if tomorrow never comes / Know this twice, just know this once / Knowing you has made me able to go on / You and me, me and you / There couldn't be a better two / To be blessed and know the meaning of true love / And if you leave me I feel scared / Fall apart so unprepared.
Ian sat with me for three days in the darkness.
He left for only a few short minutes at a time, to get us food and water. At first, Ian ate, though I did not. Then, as he realized that it wasn't a loss of appetite that left my tray full, he stopped eating, too.
....
"Please," Ian whispered on the third day - at least I thought it was the third day; there was no way to be sure of the passing time in this dark, silent place. It was the first time he'd spoken.
I knew a tray of food was in front of me. He pushed it closer, till it touched my leg. I cringed away.
"Please, Wanda. Please eat something."
He put his hand on my arm but moved away quickly when I flinched from under it.
"Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. If I'd known... I would have stopped them. I won't let it happen again."
[chapter 41, pages 417-418]
Alanis Morisette || Head Over Feet
You treat me like I'm a princess / I'm not used to liking that / You ask how my day was / You've already won me over in spite of me / And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet / Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are / I couldn't help it / It's all your fault / Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole / You're so much braver than I gave you credit for / That's not lip service / You're already won me over in spite of me.
We were together nearly as much as Kyle and Sunny. Ian constantly touched my face and hair, was always holding my hands. But who did not respond to this body that way? And wasn't it platonic for everyone else? Why didn't he kiss me again, the way he had the first day?
[epilogue, page 612]
Xandira || Forever Yours
It feels like / Keeping and holding a star in the sky / Born to be born again with you / The days of thunder cry their goodbye / And for the first time I know what to do / I just keep on being one with you / Forever yours, forever yours / I'm here to stay / Cause in your arms, in your arms / I feel so save... / And when I kiss you / Your lips are the only food I need / Your fingertips open / Spaces that make me complete / Dearest you're all that I need.
And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I'd been smart enough to lie about my age.
The rains would end, and when they did, Ian and I would be together, partners in the truest sense. This was a promise and an obligation I had never had in all my lives. Thinking of it made me feel joyful and anxious and shy and desperately impatient all at the same time - made me feel human.
[epilogue, page 615]
Mara Carlyle || For Me
Please, let things stay this way / Please, let things stay this way / Let things stay this way / It's all so good / It's all I need / I'm grateful, believe me / It's all so good / It's all I need / I'm grateful, believe me / Please, hold this moment for me / Please, hold this moment for me / Steal this moment, keep this moment / For me, for me.
I took a deep breath and rolled up onto my knees, holding my hands out, palms up, wishing that some magic would appear in them. Something I could give him, something I could say. But my hands were empty.
"You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me." His eyes blazed - burning brighter than I had ever seen them, blue flames.
"Ian," I whispered. "You have to see that... that I can't stay. You must see that."
"No!" he shouted at me.
I cringed back, and, abruptly, Ian crumpled forward, falling to his knees, falling into me. He buried his head in my stomach, and his arms locked around my waist. He was shaking, shaking hard, and loud, desperate sobs were breaking out his chest.
"No, Ian, no," I begged. This was so much worse than his anger. "Don't, please. Please, don't."
"Wanda," he moaned.
"Ian, please. Don't feel this way. Don't. I'm so sorry. Please."
I was crying, too, shaking, too, though that might have been him shaking me.
"You can't leave."
[chapter 56, pages 572-573]
Christopher Beck || Close Your Eyes
Instrumental.
"I'll explain in a minute. This isn't fair to you, but... please. Just kiss me."
"It won't upset you? Melanie won't bother you?"
"Ian!" I complained. "Please!"
Still confused, he put his hands on my waist and pulled my body against his. His face was so worried, I wondered if this would even work. I hardly needed the romance, but maybe he did.
He closed his eyes as he leaned toward me, an automatic thing. His lips pressed lightly against mine once, and then he pulled back to look at me with the same worried expression.
Nothing.
[chapter 42, page 428]
Michael Nyman || The Sacrifice
Instrumental.
I'd lived in so many bodies, but never one I loved like this. Never one that I craved in this way. Of course, this would be the one I'd have to give up.
The irony made me laugh, and I concentrated on the feel of the air that popped in little bubbles from my chest and up through my throat. Laughter was like a fresh breeze - it cleaned its way through the body, making everything feel good. Did other species have such a simple healer? I couldn't remember one.
I touched my lips and remembered how it felt to kiss Jared, and how it felt to kiss Ian. Not everyone got to kiss so many other beautiful bodies. I'd had more than some, even in this short time.
It was just so short! Maybe a year now, I wasn't completely sure. Just one quick revolution of a blue green planet around an unexceptional yellow star. The shortest life of any I'd ever lived.
The shortest, the most important, the most heartbreaking of lives. The life that would forever define me. The life that had finally tied me to one star, to one planet, to one small family of strangers.
A little more time... would that be so wrong?
No, Mel whispered. Just take a little more time.
You never know how much time you'll have, I whispered back.
[chapter 50, page 511]
Dido || Life For Rent
I haven't really found a place that I call home / I never stick around quite long enough to make it... / I've always though that I would love to live by the sea / To travel the world alone and live more simply / I have no idea what's happened to that dream.
The beginning would feel like the end. I'd been warned.
But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been. Greater than any end I'd remembered in nine lives. Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft. I had expected no more memories, no more thoughts. What end was this?
....
"We tried not to scare her," Jamie said. "She's so... kind of fragile-looking, you know? ... See, Mel said we had to get someone young - someone who had a bigger percentage of life as a soul or something. But not too young, because she knew you wouldn't want to be a child."
....
"You're not a parasite," Melanie said firmly, touching my hair, pulling up a strand and letting the gold slide between her fingers. "This body didn't belong to Pet, but there's nobody else to claim it. We waited to make sure, Wanda. We tried to wake her up almost as long as we tried with Jodi."
[chapter 59, page 599, 605-606]
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